oh life.

I really should learn to take my own advice.
I should learn my place.

My world has been turned upsides down and around, I have learned my lessons the hard way and have more to learn; I now have a long road to face on my own.

I have never come across anything I couldnt handle. I have always had someone to be my super hero, no matter what.

I am a woman. I am a grown up.

I gotta fall and learn to get up on my own. And I cant let anyone in, I have to be alone. I have to fight this battle on my own. This is my fight, let me fight it on my own.

How will I ever learn to protect my heart? Or the price of my heart?

I have to do whats hard, but right. The Lord will have His way with me. The Lords will be done.

I lost my ground, now I need to find something to stand on and rebuild my life and walk through all the mountains...its takes more than everything to break my soul, but it would be a lie if I told you I wasnt close to breaking.

I better that this ending, is only the begining.

Curbside

We call and text, still its not enough.
Time is hard to come by, but we still bend the rules when it comes to each other.
We've been best friends for a long time, 14 years, but we're not counting,
because everytime we are together, we have a good time.

Good conversation, good laughs...and even cries. Stories of boys, school, boys, work, boys, news, boys, hardships, boys, good things, boys, bad things, boys, life.

No matter how far away we are, no matter the time, we're ride or die and we need each other. Always and forever.



We have been through alot together, seen and heard it all and everything in between-we're crazy and sweet, we love life despite the negativity because we know we always have a friend no matter what, so come what may.

Last night, the whispers and accidental loud laughs sitting on my curb side on my U of U blanket, watching as people amusedly drove past at 2:00AM...the conversation and watching videos and taking pictures, its all that comes with us, we got the whole package.

I love you Heather babe. Lets be bessssst friendssss for forever plus some...

If I were a boy

I would lie to you, even about the small things because I dont think they matter.
I would expect you to be loyal while I went out and tested the waters.
I would lead you on.
I wouldnt really care about YOU, I would be selfish and take you for granted.
I would say and do things to make you feel unstable and insecure.
I would put myself first and make the rules up as I go.
I would tell you what you want to hear, just so you wouldnt leave.
I would think you wouldnt be strong enough, or smart enough to leave - because when women arent treated right, they think its because the man loves them, but is being stupid and will change.

If a man is a real man, he will get it right the first time.

Over it.

I have a heart of gold, but it has been refined by many people, by many events, and by many circumstances. I could never regret or try to change my life contents, because they have made me who I am. I am much more muchier with them - but who I am and how I act is dependable on how I play the cards I have been dealt.

I was done a favor. Surely, it hurt me - there was pain involved, you know, but recognizing the amount or kind is impossible because of arrogance and ignorance; but it has made me better, and I am glad it is completely over. It took me time, you cant blame me for that. All the pictures are gone now, even the number too. I did my part and gave my all to try and end it on a good note. I wouldn't change a thing, its been hard, but anything worth something is worth the fight. Nothing lingers.

Now I am loving me for me, letting everything that doesn't belong go. I need and deserve to be happy. I am putting myself first, and loving me first, genuinely. I am new, and there is new. A good new. Thank you.

I miss everything.

I miss my crew.



I miss Sean. I miss your hugs. I flat out miss you period.



I miss Elicia, even though I see you on occassion, it is so different than what it was Winter semester.



I miss Carlie. I miss the sleep overs, the skype sessions, the late runs to Wal-Mart, the webcam video's and who-hair make overs. I really miss you.



I miss Daryl. I miss us being ditzy together. I miss photoshoots with you. I miss Juicy Berry runs!!



I miss Dennis. I miss the ho-love. I miss the ghetto-booty calls. I miss seeing you in the commons almost everyday. I miss being baptized by you in the temple.



I miss Aaron in all his craziness. I miss the millions of pictures you took of yourself and everyone else. I miss your humor.



I miss our temple days and I miss "our spot". I miss kicking it at Juicy Berry. I miss it all. We have been through so much together. I am so happy I have such wonderful friends, you are blessings and angels to me. I love you all. You are all such a big part of me.

Still.

I don’t know why you think you can control destiny. Or why you think you know what’s best for me, and can tell me how to live my life.

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing I will ever do…but I don’t think I can. It’s impossible. What I gave is yours to keep, like I give to others…and I am incomplete without that piece in my heart, I would rather experience that pain, than the pain of being empty. Once you write on my heart, it never fades away, you didn’t use a pencil, you choose the sharpie.

I don’t know how you can ask me to let go…impossible. I can move on, but I don’t know if I can let you go. I don’t want to…and I really don’t think I can. I am not that type of person, and I won’t make an exception for you.

How do you?

How do you say goodbye to someone when you dont know what the future holds?
When they have been a big part of your life?
When you have built a future of promises and plans together?

What do you say? Whats right or wrong?

Who knows if they'll die the next day, or if they will end up being the happiest person on the earth? When you want to be there for everything, and its impossible.

How do you say goodbye, period?

I hope one day we can both meet up sometime and just be friends, but for now, that is a vain hope.

Sometimes I wish I could relive the start, maybe then, we would remember to slow down at all of our favorite parts.

Promise me you will think of me when your out there...

A long goodbye...

I apologize, I know you wanted space…but I had to come see you, talk with you once more. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the near future with this terrifying change. And I don’t know where that change will leave me. So, I was ready and I needed answers, I needed closure. I wanted to make sure I didn’t make a mistake I would forever regret, I wanted you to know that you knew and were sure that “nothing” is what you really wanted. I didn’t want to end what we had on a bad note. I couldn’t live with the regret that I hadn’t done everything I could, and said everything that I needed to say, and hear everything I needed to hear.

It wasn’t a waste of time. I was confused at what had happened and I am still trying to understand what you said and what you do-what happened. But I knew what I was getting into, I knew you weren’t coming back. I just had to know for sure, for me.
You have gone and left me and so many promises and plans – everything and you have done it so effortlessly; you assumed things and didn’t ask me. You think you are doing what’s best for me, and you guarantee it is best for me, but I assure you, you are wrong. I wouldn’t argue with you, because ultimately, you are the one who wins, I might as well not even speak. But I know whats best for me. And if your happy, then I am happy.

You say there is too much there, and you don’t want to hurt me…I remember you said the last thing you wanted was for me to be hurt…why didn’t you think to stop and ask me? I told you, I am an open book, yet you overlooked what could have changed the situation that now exists.

It would be better for you to literally punch a hole through my chest; it would hurt less than this. What we had, was the best I ever had, and saying goes: “These violent delights, have violent ends, and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume them.”

You gave me the title, which I tried to fulfill…you read into what I did and forgot to tell me that I was doing too much. You say its best we let go, that I am better without you. Why do you think you can decide what is good for me? No matter how much I pray, I know things won’t change. There are days when I miss you so much, and there are days I wish I could just meet up for lunch with you and catch up on life and just talk with you, like we did. There are days I wish we could go back, but I don’t want to go back. I was only willing to move forward, and you are moving forward, but we’re both going on different paths. I really wish we could still be friends.

You changed my life, made it so much better. I still love you, and always will. I don’t think I will ever let go, I don’t have it in me. I am a ride or die, and you are always welcome here. I could never wish anything bad for you; in fact, I wish only the best for you. I wish we could be a part of each other’s lives, but I see it won’t be that way. I hope someday we can be, in time. It may take a couple of years, and only time will tell. But I am not waiting around.

So now I am tearing down that future I should have never built, promises and words can be so empty. I am flying on my own and building my life in the here and now. Oh how I wish things could be different, but wishful thinking gets us nowhere. And I know no matter how much I pray, the heavens won’t change things between us.

Last night was our long goodbye, but there is never a good time for goodbyes, and I hate them. I despise them. I didn’t really say goodbye. I never do, and probably never will. Like you said, “there is too much there”…there is always that hope, even if it takes a life time, you made a promise, that we would always be friends…I’m sad you forgot that.

Give me time, I have heard and expereienced so much, I need time. Time will tell. I will be better in time.

It has all been done and said. I wonder if I waited too long, because you seem to have used that time to have me replaced. I can longer silence myself, my grief over losing the one thing I wanted most is like experiencing a death, I am just waiting for your funeral invite. So go ahead, tell the world what I hoped for and how it is impossible. If someone had told me 3 years from now, you would be long gone; I would have stood up and punched them out. Every memory I will cherish, until we meet again, and one day, everything will be right. But I keep you locked in my memory…

Tonight I need answers.

You said we needed time, that we needed space. It’s funny how you have used that time to have me replaced. You have left me here with so many unanswered questions. I kept them inside, didn’t say a word, respected you because you asked me to…but it’s time for me, I deserve answers, after all we have been through and after all I have done for you, it’s the least you can do.

I haven’t seen you in two months. I haven’t heard from you in a month and a half…what happened? We used to be friends, we used to be cool, now you done flipped and switched and changed and I am left standing here wondering why and what just happened.

I hear one thing from someone who would know, and another thing from someone who wouldn’t…then there is what you did and said to me…I am so confused. I want to know where we stand, because I had my foot out the door, and maybe by divine intervention, someone made me think twice.

My friends tell me it’s a waste of time; I am just coming to see, what you would do if I give you a chance to make things right. I am sure their right. But once again, I defend you, the last time…I give you the benefit of the doubt-because I have seen your potential, maybe I am dumb and naïve but I am not stupid and that’s why I am doing what I am. It’s silly for me to keep holding on…

You cant possibly be the one I once adored. You don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for...Well I don't know you anymore. I'm all out of faith, I have nothing left to give, and this is how I feel.

What you have done isn’t right. The problem here is you. I am willing to go, but I am also willing to forgive and stay…tonight will prove who is right. You don’t know what you have lost and you won’t realize til’ I am gone, which one of us is really done?

Learn to appeciate what you have...dont take it for granted. Its easy to do...and soon you will realize what you had and it will be too a little to late. Im not who I used to be, I love me, genuinely, and I have to do this for me.

These are my girls!!

These are my ladies, and I love them. Im proud of them and I think their all absolutely gorgeous and I lov that I can look at them in such a lovely light.

I appreciate all of you for being such a big part of my life, I love you, and dont ever want you to leave. You all have blessed my life so abunadantly, my life would be so different without you. I love you.

I miss you!!

Today I really miss the one man in my life I could utterly trust with my life and know he wouldn’t break my heart or my trust. I miss the one who taught me to love, to live, to aspire, to dream. I miss my grandpapa. And I would give anything and everything I had to see him, I would move heaven and earth to get one hour with him.


Our song came on, it’s the one he taught me how to slow dance to. Its a lot different than the dancing I do now. Its old fashioned dancing. And I love it.






I remember you got out of your wheelchair and twirled me around in my yellow dress. I miss you. I miss how you were here and we would talk and do things together. I wish I could see you today, I wish you could see me. I have so many questions for you, I wish we could talk. What I would do for one more dance with you, 2 minutes and 32 seconds.

He is my angel.

Naked

I think I am getting a little closer.






For the first time since I was about 10, I went out in public with no make up on.
And there was no problem, in fact, I was walking out of the store and a guy was on his phone and he stopped when he saw me, dropped his phone to his side and said "woah!"...

I guess I have natural beauty. Its just a default, I look beautiful without even trying. My beauty is effortless. Gorgeous, flawless.

I am learning I dont have to wear makeup, I can do less and I am beautiful anyways.
I dont need make up.

Chicago, brace yourself!! Here we come!!

A road trip, just us girls!!



A handful of reasons...






It couldnt come any quicker, Friday May 21st, 2010.

Chicago, here we come, you are beautiful, so are we. We will be beautiful together no matter what adventures we take.





So, new lessons memories and so much excitment and fun!!

The "I miss Carlie tantrum"

Sunday morning was nothing different. I miss people, especially the people I am close to often, and terribly.

But Sunday, it was all about Carlie.



I had just finished taking a shower, and my hair was still wet. My phone goes off, I recieved 2 texts from Carlie Christopher.

I read it, and felt the overwhelming lack of Carlie, I immediately put my phone down, walked over to my bed, and face planted into my pillow and began to cry, sob is actually probably more accurate.



I sobbed for 10 minutes.

The thing that made me stop...my mom.

She walked in and asked "What in the heck is wrong?!"

My reply: "I really just miss Carlie."



My moms reply as she came over to hug me was a out burst of "oh you poor baby" laughter, followed by "you act and talk like a 2 year old."



Carlie, I miss you. My life isnt the same with you s far away. I hate this. I hate the 1500 miles between us. I hate every mile in its own singlarity.

Lesson learned.

A friend is a possession we earn, not a gift.

It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.

Its true that we dont know what we had until we lose it, but its also true that we didnt know what we were missing until it arrives.

You have to learn to love what is good for you.

Love is lost, not let go.

It takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Find someone who makes your heart smile.

You can only push someone so far away before their gone...on their own.

I deserve the respect of a woman, not a girl.

I know whats best for me.

I am not a possession. I am a butterfly.

What is uttered from the heart alone, will win the hearts of others to your own; so I will bleed, and I wont close off any veins.

Can I make you fall in love with me? With who I am?
Am I captivating?
Inviting?
Exciting?

Am I worth your time, your effort?
Will you invest in me?


My feeble heart tries to muster the courage to find the light in who I am...I have been told I am good, I am an angel, I am beautiful, genuine, real, comparable to Christ...many people have said overly generous things to me...I see no reason for them to lie...but wonder if they are blinded by something, by some fake persona I put on, although, I feel like I wear no mask, I feel vulnerable; so my "logic" doesn't make sense, I have to break down the walls of lies I have believed and built along with the critics...my friends and family, everyone has not seen my dark past, and so it becomes easy to dismiss what everyone says, although, I try not to, and I am learning.

The issue is that I easily believe what has been said about me, the negativity in my life, because it is easy to see my faults. If life was black and white, it would be easy, because all the black could be picked apart and thrown away to allow me to see the good white. But there is grey, and several shades in me. Introspection becomes difficult when you are looking for the good, because you always feel like you fall short.

Attempt one was an epic fail...

So I will try to silence the voices that repeat in my memory, and silence my demons, and just let Christ speak. I want to see His countenance in me.

I am learning:

That I am learning. I am too young to decide that I have ruined the rest of my life.

I was made to love, and love freely, deeply, passionately, fiercely, unconditionally.

I have alot to give.

I am not a failure.

I am the glue that holds my relationships together...and I don't mind.

I have faith, hope and a testimony.

I am understanding, patient, willing, mature, honest, funny, free spirited, considerate, bold, and sweet.

I don't have to be perfect, I just do my best, because that's all I can do, and I have to be content with that.

I am new. I am ever changing. I hold on to past experiences so I know how to decide what is true, right, and good. But I wont live in the past, I cant do that.

I am me, I making my own choices, and despite the consequences, both acceptable and not so welcomed, I am dealing with life the best way I know how and that's all I can do.

I am fearless.

I am selfless.

I would rather love and lose than to never have loved at all. I learn so much. And maybe after enough heart ache and heart break, I will be good enough for some man.

I am good enough.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I am important.

I have to depend on myself, but be willing to let others in, and let them help me...I have to be the place where I find my self esteem, I have to be my own home. So its time to clear out the clutter.

I just have to love and accept me, all of me, all my faults, and see my potential and love it all. Embrace myself, because I am not stuck being a lesser version of me, like I said, I am ever changing.

I will never really be able to say goodbye to people in my life, especially the people I care for...and I care for alot. My heart can only get bigger, luckily, its not a glass or stone heart...its elastic, so it can expand and grow...and the worth is that of gold.

I am one of the best friends a person can have, because I am not a convenient friend, because I truly and genuinely care, because I want to be the best, so I am. I will do anything for someone I love, even die.

I am strong, because I am weak.

I am humble, but I am proud. I don't think anything more of me than I do of others, and I don't compare, because there is no validity in the comparison. I am me, and I am measuring up against who I used to be to who I am today, and hoping for who I want to be tomorrow.

I wont play a victim, or allow others to hurt me. I will not just hold on, but will be more than what I think I am. I will push my limits, and let Christ make up for all the rest I am lacking.

I have to find humor, smile and laugh...it makes life so much easier.

I have to count my blessings. Enough said.

I am nothing without Christ, but with him, I am everything, and I can do anything. I trust him completely. He is my best friend, and never lets me down. He is constant and stable, what I need. He is the center of my life.

I have alot of imperfections, I am the epitome of imperfection. Those flaws make me beautiful and interesting. The scars and dents can be transformed by only one...and he makes everything beautiful, and he most certainly doesn't make mistakes.

People and situations don't make me who I am... I need only Christ and myself, because we make a great team. But I want you here.

I can never hurt too long before Christ saves me and sends me an angel.

I am never really alone. Ever, in any way.

I make myself happy, if I want to be some way, then I need to BE that way. I am the only one who hinders myself.

I hate drama, so if I am not happy anymore or I am stressing and there is nothing I can do, and I am no longer in control of the situation, I will withdrawal and let God do his work. He fixes everything.

I want to be better. I want to be wonderful. So I am becoming, and that is beautiful.

If my heart were a house, you would be home.

I'm getting my stuff together. I can walk against the rain. And tomorrow will be better, I will make my today's my tomorrows if I don't feel like I can handle my today.

I can move on.

Being happy should always come naturally. So I will naturally always be happy.

Christ is fixing me. I am under construction, in the fire...swimming in deep waters...better than not.

I am really good at being thoughtful, and nurturing. I am intuitive, and I am woman.

I may stumble and fall, but that makes me nothing less. Period.
I am humble enough to ask Christ for help, strong enough to push myself up, and brave enough to move on.

I am moving on. I am changing. I am facing my fears. I am brave.

I keep a smile when I have every right to break down.

I have seen alot of things in my life, and everything has given me experience so I can help others along the way.

I see people, I see them for who they are. I find the good in people and in life.

I love to help people. I love to love people.

I am super affectionate with people. And I easily become attached, and it is impossible for me to become unattached.

I am sensitive to peoples feelings.

I am easy to work with.

I am dependable, loyal, compassionate, selfless, dedicated, loyal, charitable.

I am a good friend. I am a good listener, and teacher.

My emotions are very real, very strong and overwhelming, I am starting to see the gift in that curse.

I am real.

I am playing my role.

I don't care about all the pain in front of me, so what if I break down, the world throws me off the edge, and my feet run out of ground? Things will always work out for the better because God is over all. And he takes care of me.

I have alot of depth to me.

I am incredible, irresistible and irreplaceable.

I am finding my place, hearing my sound-playing my song and changing my vision to that of eternal perspective. "Heavenly eyes".

I am going to dance, and I will shine. I am not going to settle. I will take chances, I will write my own book. I wont regret that I didnt try.





...


I may not fully grasp that I am intelligent, wise, beautiful, virtuous, or morally strong, but I wont give up trying to understand, believe and embrace that knowledge. Its gotta be there if people are pointing it out.I need to know I am good, I need to know my heritage. I need to know I am a child of God, with all the qualities of one who is grand, precious.

I'll get back to you when I know that I know, finally.


I just want to be happy. So I will make my way.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best...I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

-Marilyn Monroe

Words of wisdom.

If you want to be happier, BE happier. If you want to be better, then BE better. Its alot about choice my friends, and there is nothing hindering your progress but you.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.

"People dont make you who are, YOU make who you are."

Count your blessings before their long gone. It makes life easier. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.

"Your a girl who knows how to be happy even when you're sad. And that’s important—you know..." I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit.

If a woman is sufficiently ambitious, determined and gifted - there is practically nothing she can't do.

For the rest of my life, I promise myself I will love me first genuinely. I dont have the power, but I never say never.

What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward; laughter gives us distance and allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

Light up!! Light up, as if you have a choice....

A very well known quote no doubt, I have loved it since I heard it when I was 14, and it has been one of my favorite quotes since, but not until now, have I understood it in this light.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

I am 20 years old, I am so young in comparison to the whole picture. I am at the age in my life where I am finding that the impossible is possible, where I am excelling and being beyond joyful at ever aspect of my life.

Now surely, I am more satisfied with my life now, than when I was younger, but I do miss those days when everything was easier...I used to think high school was hard, man was I wrong. I used to think growing up would fix and rid my problems, wrong again. I used to think that being between the ages of 12-18 were the hardest, and oh my goodness, was I wrong about that too. Those days, the Lord was preparing me for what was to come, with the severity of those trials, I should have taken into consideration the depth of my future trials.

Now, upon the decision after talking with a dear friend of mine, he encouraged me to go and find the good in me. Not the type of egostatiscal people make up, but genuinely, what other people see in me, the good God sees in me, that He has given me.

I was somewhere thinking about this aspect of my life, and how I want to go about it, then I realized how absolutely terrified I was of looking inside, finding that good, and bringing that knowledge into my light. I wonder how it will change me, if it will make me less humble...introspection is not as intimidating when you are looking for what s wong with you...that is easy. You know its there, but you wonder if you really have anything good in there, or if your buket is empty, or if it has something in it...if it is truly real, and genuine.

What if I dont love ME? I surely love and absolutely adore others, that is easy...but me. Me of all people...this is going to be hard, surely emotionally straining...I will try.I will work it out.

I will get back to you when I ahave figured it out, and once I know for myself.

The smiling old man next to me. The only exception.

I finally have a moment to write and release my emotions, my stories.

Earlier this week I had reached my breaking point, for numerous various reasons. I was in need of a good cry, I had let everything build up, and my cup was about to overflow with a seemingly endless amount of tears. I found out my new mascara wasn't too good at being water proof.

Something about me, I don't cry in front of people, if you have seen me cry, count yourself lucky, as I only have cried in front of my ward family being touched by the spirit, or I have cried in front of very few of my closest friends, as I become most vulnerable at that moment as all the emotions and my life become shared. Rarely will I cry at home, but my car, now that is a different story. My car has heard everything. If only my car could talk...

I find no fault in crying, tears magnify the one within. I believe it is the only way God has allowed women to release all they feel. It is the only outlet we have, I have to let all the emotions I feel out. I cry when I am ultimately happy, touched by the spirit, or sad. I just don't know how to otherwise communicate my feelings, as such my feelings tend to grow to overwhelming amounts, my feelings are very strong, and I don't only feel them mentally and emotionally, but they are enough to radiate through my entire being.

I was driving somewhere, and I pulled up next to a car, and I didn't pay attention to who was sitting next to me, I was consumed by the many reasons I was experiencing every emotion you could possibly put into one person. Something caught the corner of my eye, and it was an older grandpa, he had his face plastered to the window of his car, and was sending me the utmost cheesiest smile someone could muster up.

This of course stopped me dead in my tracks and forced a small chuckle from my mouth. He kept smiling, and slowly removed his face from the glass so he could wave at me and sign to me to smile. There was something familiar about him, his kind, old yet wise knowing eyes, his warm inviting smile, I was enraptured at the beauty a grandpa could produce, it makes me miss my grandpapa even more than ever thinking about-I can only wonder and dream how it would be if he was here. What would it be like if he was here? Who would I be? Would he be proud of me?

Anyways, as I sheepishly wiped away my mascara filled tears from my face, I found in me, the strength forced from every fiber of my being, to smile. I wish it had been more genuine, but it was there.

The light turned green and I took off heading in opposite directions with both of us waving and smiling at each other. Whoever that man is, I wish to thank him for what he did, it made all the difference.

"Love you"

I have been sitting with my papa since 5:00PM, working on this and that, multitasking is doable for now. I probably bug him as I consistently ask him how he is every 5 minutes. I talk with him a little, his migraine is horrific. I change his ice packs, clean up messes in the room, make sure it is safe for him to make a trip to the bathroom, I cook him food, I mostly just watch in anxiousness as he sleeps, wondering if he will wake. I regulate his timing with medication, and make sure he is doing everything he should be to help him keep his promise he made me 3 years ago, "to be at my wedding"....I am starting to regret not making it a bit more lengthy of a promise...

My friend Amanda, tells me I hen my papa...I beg to differ. I say it is just genuine concern and cautioning....I refuse to relive that past; I hate watching him feel the way he does, I would rather have to deal with his pain than watch him go through this again. I would rather hurt than have anyone I love hurt in any way. If it were possible, I would do it. I am more silent than I have ever been, mostly just consumed with the thoughts in my head...sometimes I wish I could just silence myself entirely, where is the "off switch" to myself...to life?

I wont turn off my phone, in fear that if I do, I will miss a call, and will have an everlasting guilt filled regret. To even fall asleep is quite the strenuous effort. I consider taking some type of sleeping aid just to get the sleep I need, and want.

I bend over to hug his weak body, and give him a kiss, I tell him I love him and wish him a goodnight, and to feel better; I begin to walk out, and turn off the lights, I take advantage of the moment, because I don't know if I will get another chance to say it, as I shut the door the weight of the importance of what i am about to say lingers and presses on my mind, my entire entity. I say it entirely with my heart and soul, "I love you".

Its raining....

I am drained in every way possible, luckily, I have my family and friends who are such big blessings to get my by.

I sit by my papa for my "time shift" and watch movies with him, try to make him laugh and forget the pain he feels all over. I cook him food, and I sit in silence as he sleeps. I wonder, I count my blessings and I pray.

This poor man is exhausted. And although his tongue wont utter a complaint, I can read it on his face. The worst thing is to watch someone you love and someone who you would rather take their pain on you, instead of having them go through it, and not being able to do anything.

He is very dehydrated, the medicines he is taking are making him very sick, and he can barely keep anything down for 2 minutes. So, apparently I need to cook less hearty meals. My mom took him to the doctor this morning, they are checking his blood thinning levels, he will also get new pain medication,and anti-sick pills.

He has given us a couple close scares where he has almost passed out. We got him showered today, in spite of how weak he is. We will keep hoping and praying that all is well, trusting in the Lord with all we have-all I have, which is insignificant when you look at the big picture.

I have decided....

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I have decided to bow out gracefully, my life is no longer stable, and the world is spinning at an unforgiving pace...and maybe I allowed myself to be consumed, but now I know that nothing ever stays the same, but that's OK, because not all change is bad, and we have to learn what is good for us.

I have had alot to deal with, and the weight of the world, I have felt has been placed on my shoulders, and I have felt a tremendous weakness, and I know I cant do this on my own,and that in order to be happy, which is my ultimate goal, I need to let Christ carry me, and lead me.

Not only will I face my battles, but I will also "mourn with those who mourn, comfort those who stand in need of comfort, and stand as a witness of God, at all times and in all places."

I have cried enough, I have lived in the past...and I cant live in the past, I could never cry or beg enough to change the heavens. So I will trust in God, that He knows what He is doing, that He is moving me, and molding me. I will trust that He is right when He says I am strong enough to handle everything, because He wont give us anything we cant handle because we are not set up for failure.

God has placed a special and sacred trust in me, and I cannot fail him, giving up is not an option. and in return a promise, through endurance, no blessing will ever be withheld from me that would be for my everlasting good.

I wish to share a talk that has influenced my decision:

And upon the Handmaids in Those Days Will I Pour Out My Spirit
By: Julie B. Beck



In the past year I have met thousands of Latter-day Saint women in many countries. The list of challenges these sisters face is lengthy and sobering. There are family troubles, economic tests, calamities, accidents, and illnesses. There is much distraction and not enough peace and joy. Despite popular media messages to the contrary, no one is rich enough, beautiful enough, or clever enough to avoid a mortal experience.

The questions sisters ask are serious and insightful. They articulate uneasiness about the future, sorrow for unrealized expectations, some indecision, and diminished feelings of self-worth. They also reflect a deep desire to do what is right.

There has grown in me an overwhelming testimony of the value of daughters of God. So much depends on them. In my visits with the sisters, I have felt that there has never been a greater need for increased faith and personal righteousness. There has never been a greater need for strong families and homes. There has never been more that could be done to help others who are in need. How does one increase faith, strengthen families, and provide relief?1 How does a woman in our day find answers to her own questions and stand strong and immovable against incredible opposition and difficulty?


Personal Revelation

A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important. A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence. But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently.

The ability to qualify for, receive, and act on personal revelation is the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life. Qualifying for the Lord’s Spirit begins with a desire for that Spirit and implies a certain degree of worthiness. Keeping the commandments, repenting, and renewing covenants made at baptism lead to the blessing of always having the Lord’s Spirit with us.2 Making and keeping temple covenants also adds spiritual strength and power to a woman’s life. Many answers to difficult questions are found by reading the scriptures because the scriptures are an aid to revelation.3 Insight found in scripture accumulates over time, so it is important to spend some time in the scriptures every day. Daily prayer is also essential to having the Lord’s Spirit with us.4 Those who earnestly seek help through prayer and scripture study often have a paper and pencil nearby to write questions and record impressions and ideas.

Revelation can come hour by hour and moment by moment as we do the right things. When women nurture as Christ nurtured, a power and peace can descend to guide when help is needed. For instance, mothers can feel help from the Spirit even when tired, noisy children are clamoring for attention, but they can be distanced from the Spirit if they lose their temper with children. Being in the right places allows us to receive guidance. It requires a conscious effort to diminish distractions, but having the Spirit of revelation makes it possible to prevail over opposition and persist in faith through difficult days and essential routine tasks. Personal revelation gives us the understanding of what to do every day to increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek those who need our help. Because personal revelation is a constantly renewable source of strength, it is possible to feel bathed in help even during turbulent times.

We are told to put our trust in that Spirit which leads us “to do justly, to walk humbly, to judge righteously.”5 We are also told that this Spirit will enlighten our minds, fill our souls with joy, and help us know all things we should do.6 Promised personal revelation comes when we ask for it, prepare for it, and go forward in faith, trusting that it will be poured out upon us.


Relief Society—Teaching, Inspiring, and Strengthening

Additionally, the Lord in His wisdom has provided a Relief Society to help His daughters in these latter days. When Relief Society functions in an inspired way, it lifts women up and out of a troubled world and into a way of living that prepares them for the blessings of eternal life. This society has at its very core the responsibility to help sisters increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek out and help others who are in need. Through Relief Society, sisters can receive answers to their questions and be blessed by the combined spiritual power of all the sisters. Relief Society validates the true and eternal nature of daughters of God. It is a sacred trust, a guiding light, and a system of watchcare that teaches and inspires women to be strong and immovable. Its motto, “Charity never faileth,”7 is embodied in all good women.

When a girl advances into Relief Society or when a woman is baptized into the Church, she becomes part of a sisterhood that strengthens her in her preparation for eternal life. Entrance into Relief Society signifies that a woman can be trusted and relied upon to make a significant contribution in the Church. She continues to progress as an individual without receiving much outward credit or praise.

The second general Relief Society president, Eliza R. Snow, said this to the sisters: “We want to be ladies in very deed, not according to the term of the word as the world judges, but fit companions of the Gods and Holy Ones. In an organized capacity we can assist each other in not only doing good but in refining ourselves, and whether few or many come forward and help to prosecute this great work, they will be those that will fill honorable positions in the Kingdom of God. . . . Women should be women and not babies that need petting and correction all the time. I know we like to be appreciated but if we do not get all the appreciation which we think is our due, what matters? We know the Lord has laid high responsibility upon us, and there is not a wish or desire that the Lord has implanted in our hearts in righteousness but will be realized, and the greatest good we can do to ourselves and each other is to refine and cultivate ourselves in everything that is good and ennobling to qualify us for those responsibilities.”8


Measuring Success

Good women always have a desire to know if they are succeeding. In a world where the measures of success are often distorted, it is important to seek appreciation and affirmation from proper sources. To paraphrase a list found in Preach My Gospel, we are doing well when we develop attributes of Christ and strive to obey His gospel with exactness. We are doing well when we seek to improve ourselves and do our best. We are doing well when we increase faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and seek out and help others who are in need. We know we are successful if we live so that we qualify for, receive, and know how to follow the Spirit. When we have done our very best, we may still experience disappointments, but we will not be disappointed in ourselves. We can feel certain that the Lord is pleased when we feel the Spirit working through us.9 Peace, joy, and hope are available to those who measure success properly.

A revelation in the book of Joel states that in the last days, sons and daughters of God will prophesy and the Lord will pour out His Spirit upon His servants and His handmaids.10 President Spencer W. Kimball echoed this prophecy when he said:

“Much of the major growth that is coming to the Church in the last days will come because many of the good women of the world (in whom there is often such an inner sense of spirituality) will be drawn to the Church in large numbers. This will happen to the degree that the women of the Church reflect righteousness and articulateness in their lives and to the degree that the women of the Church are seen as distinct and different—in happy ways—from the women of the world. . . .

“Thus it will be that female exemplars of the Church will be a significant force in both the numerical and spiritual growth of the Church in the last days.”11

I bear my witness that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true. The Lord depends on His daughters to do their part to strengthen the homes of Zion and build His kingdom on the earth. As they seek and qualify for personal revelation, the Lord will pour out His Spirit upon His handmaids in these latter days. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The last time....

The last time this happened,

I was 17.
I woke to an unexpected call, where I missed all the signs.
I rushed, I cried, made him promise me a promise he cant entirely control.
I watched him nearly die, I watched them put him in the ambulence.
I woke early everday, I was drained in every aspect a person can be.
I went back and forth, it was all I thought about. I lived in the hospital for 3 months.

Time after time, we repeated the process...we are no longer strangers to the hospitals, or 911 - their on my speed dial.

Now, as we prepare to watch my papa undergo the same surgery, every past experience replays through my mind, vividly.
Now my dreams have turned into nightmares, a repeat of the past, except worse.
Now I'm not ready. I dont want to have face that possibility again.

I dont think I am strong enough.

Now I am sick, now I dont eat, I dont sleep. I see his body laying in a casket every time lay to sleep.

For today, reality is better than my dreams, although, reality is hard to deal with.

God will have His way. He is over all. Eternal perspective is what I try to remember.
I guess if one feels weak, and wants to be better - God will give us the trials, disappointments and tribulations that will make us grow. Apparently He trusts me ALOT, and has hit my inadequacy's and fears and brought them to the light. I should be a little more careful what I ask for next time...

Only one knows howo I feel, and that is who will get me by. All I know I can do is pray, fast, and hope. No one can take away my hope and faith. I just need to not take counsel from my fears.

Reliving fears

I remember everything so clearly.

My papa called me 15 minutes before my usual time to wake up, at 4:30

It was about 6:00AM, I always had to wake up significantly earlier than I wanted due to my recent knee surgery. It took me 3 hours to get ready for high school, I was already a month behind in all my homework and was struggling to catch up, it was senior year, and I wanted to make sure I had the best grades at graduation.

I had just finished my make up when my mother came in and asked me when I would be done. Of course, being a girl, unless it was rather important, I would be taking my time. I told her "well, depends what it is..." she told me she believed my papa was having a heart attack and needed me to drive him to the hospital.

That changed everything, I would be ready in 3 minutes or less. I no longer care what I looked like, I pulled my hair into a ponytail and ran downstairs.

My papa was in his bed, and I rushed over to help him up, he too had just had knee surgery, and was on crutch's. I got him up and helped him to the bathroom, he didn't use his crutches, it was too hard for him. I waited for him to finish, and when the door opened, he could barely make it to the computer chair 3 feet from him before he collapsed.

He passed out once, and started having seizures. He stopped and slowly woke up then quickly once again, repeated. I was crying uncontrollably now, as my mother ran down and yelled for both of my little brothers to come quickly, Chad came down the stairs, Justin from his room down the hall. Chad was crying, Justin went up to comfort him, my mother was on the phone with 911 and I was holding my father up as much as I could, when he woke another time, I made him promise me something.

Grasping at anything I could to keep him with me, I choked out "papa, promise me you will be at my wedding" and he said he would. My mind rushed through what were the last things I had said to my papa, and I had told him that I loved him, that I was sure of.

Waiting those 5 minutes for the ambulance to come to our home were the longest, most terrifying moments of my life.

They arrived and eventually got my papa into the ambulance. I rode with my papa to the hospital, I wasn't allowed in the back of the ambulance where my papa was, I rode shot gun to the hospital, the driver tried consoling me through my silence and quiet sobs, I kept checking back through the tiny window until we arrived at the hospital.

We stayed in the ER for hours, they hooked my papa up to machines, and took him off for testing. My world was crashing down all around me. We waited,and waited....for what seemed to be forever. The doctor finally came and told us my papa had numerous blood clots in his heart and lungs.

The whole next week, I woke up an hour earlier than I had been, and would go visit my papa in the hospital with every free moment I had. We brought him home, and the next day we were back in the ER again. He stayed another couple of days. And released him again, an within the month he was back again, and staying a couple more days, then he as released once more.

Doctors visits, therapy...it all was a blur. I am surprised I made it through, I felt and still feel weak at the thought.

My papa is having the same surgery, except this time, it will be on his other knee....I cat help but replay the same scenario in my head, but more extreme for this upcoming surgery this Wednesday. Fear, worry, sadness, guilt, nerves...

It weighs heavily on my mind.
It creates a burdened soul, that is quickly crumbling under the pressure.
I need to be hugged to be kept together.

It is up to me to be the one in the family to be strong, I am oldest, I am the one my family will have to lean on, so my pain, my fear, my loneliness must all be silenced for that of my family. Oh, the weight of the world is once again mine to bear. And I don't mind, it is just hard. Very hard. What an understatement.

I don't say goodbyes, but what if I am forced?

I am already exhausted and weak. I dont know if I am strong enough to handle this.

The nightmare is reoccurring....lets hope my reality stays better than my dreams.

No goodbyes...

The past few months have been absolutely unreal to me. My reality has been far better than that of my dreams for the first time in my life. And I have many people to thank for that. I have made many memories with many wonderful people, and although some of you, I have spent little time with, and others significant amounts of time with, but the memories we have made mean the world to me, and will last forever (thanks to my many pictures, that you all tolerate me taking!!)

I want to tell all of you, all my friends, my special friends that I love you so, so very much. And with the coming of this summer, and everyone all leaving to do their own thing, pursue their own dreams, that I hope I can always be the type of friend you have been to me, I want to express my gratitude to all of you for being my friend, and for being so kind to me, you have all touched my life, and the imprint is permanent, I have had the time of my life and will miss you entirely too much for my own good.

I LOVE YOU!! What I have is worth more than gold, and I hope I have done my part in earning it, and if I have fallen short at any time, please forgive me. Once again, i echo my affections for you. Here is where I would hug you very tightly, so imagine it being done NOW.

Tell me when you hear my heart stop...theres a possibility you wouldnt know.

A woman's heart bears the weight of the world.
Often feeling alone, until the reminder that Christ too, shares the load.

The pain felt within that heart may never be spoken of,
and for many reasons.

One, no one should have to feel that pain.
Two, she shouldn't remind herself of that pain by tying to communicate it, because it can only be felt by the one experiencing it.
Three, its not fair to share that pain with anyone, as only joy should be shared.
Lastly, it might kill the one who is watching.

It amazes me that Christ would die for me, I have sinned beyond what I would have forgiven myself of, I have experienced so much pain and disappointment in my life, both self inflicted and caused by others doing, either knowingly or unknowingly.

Barely being able to hold my own, with Christ's help, astounds me that he willingly died for me, and took upon him, everything wrong with me, everything I have ever felt, every sin...I can only imagine how much he bleed...because sometimes it feels like I could bleed.

My pain, my hurt...it radiates through my body, pulsing through my veins, most painful from the source, my heart. I am still alive and still breathing, but it is painful. My physical body feels the pain from my emotions, it a double edged gift. Strong intuition, strong emotions...its absolutely lethal - you can feel the negative impact or the positive lifting; and to such extremes.

Knowing that only one other person has ever felt my pain is enough to know that more than ever, I need him. This is a unique pain.

There are some whose eyes are not blind and can catch the feeling of your pain as you walk by with a smile plastered on your face covered up with the loud laughter that no longer comes naturally and easily, but has to be forced from every fiber of your being.

For those individuals, I am grateful, for they show they really care.

And the only way to say anything, at all, the only way to deal with everything, is to cry. And so cry I will, until I am healed, and I have cried away all my pain.

A long goodbye.

The past 4 months of my life have been unreal to me.

And a majorly enormous part of that has been because of the people in my life, who I wish to commend and thank now, for everything. My friends are all so beautiful. What a special word “friend” is to me. You have all changed my life, affected in many small and big ways, even unknowingly; I don’t stand a chance of trying to pinpoint every moment, every situation, with every person, because you all are absolutely incredible to me. This experience has been indescribable; this life is one of the sweetest things I have ever known. I have known true joy, the type that runs through your veins continuously, even through trials, thank you for being such a support group to me, you have helped me so much.

To some, I have spent only a little time with you, others significant amounts of time with, but to me, all and all, those gifts and blessings you have given me, have meant the world to me. A smile, a hug, a touch, a laugh, a simple hello, a picture, Juicy Berry runs, sharing dinner together, temple trips, sleep over’s, playing out in the snow…everything and anything. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. I have had so much fun with all of you, I have made so many memories with you, and this has definitely been one of my highlights in life. These memories have been imprinted in my mind and heart for eternity, and I have the pictures to remind me of it all.

They say a friend is not a possession, but a gift we earn; I hope I have done well earning your friendship.

I have come to accept that nothing ever stays the same, but change does not always mean something in a lesser light. We must all go live our lives, we must be happy. That is my wish for you, to be happy, and to smile, without trying, but for it to come because you know who you are, you know what your doing is right, and because you are loved and thought of, often. I hope I get to see you again, in this life, soon. I enjoy my time with you, for it is well spent. Now, I am terrible with goodbyes-I could barely raise my voice enough to speak…it makes me so sad that I know that I may never see or hear from any of you ever again, in the life. I already am experiencing withdrawals. I love you all so much.

So, instead, I will say something I find more comforting, that I will see you later; when that is, I do not know and cannot say, but an “I will see you later” will suffice; I want to leave you with my testimony that because of Christ, I will see you all again, someday.

So, light up, as if you have a choice; however, if you find yourself struggling to do so, you know where to find me, I am always here, as a friend and confident. I love you!!

dedicated to many from a few.

Hate That I Love You


As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I cant stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No....)


You wont let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forgive (that I was upset)
Can't remember what you did


But I hate...
You know exactly what to do
So that I cant stay mad at you
For too long thats wrong


But I hate...
You know exactly how to touch
So that I dont want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that i adore you


And i hate how much i love you boy (yeah...)
I cant stand how much I need you (I need you...)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oooh whoa..)
But I just cant let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)


You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh


Said its not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I..will be under reason why
And it just aint right


And I hate how much I love you girl
I cant stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just cant let you go
But I hate that I love you so


One of these days maybe your magic wont affect me
And your kiss wont make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...


As much i love you (as much as I need you)
As much as I need you (oooh..)
As much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you


And I hate that i love you soooo
And I hate how much i love you boy
I cant stand how much I need ya (cant stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just cant let you go (but I just cant let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. soo.....

A heart must speak and be heard.

I have much to say on the topic of relationships, any and every relationship.

Love. Oh love, glorious love. I love, love. There is never anything wrong with love. Love is from God. It is the greatest gift one person can give another. Love is beautiful.

Now, love is not a game to be played. When there is someones heart involved, someones soul and emotions...there is never anything to justify playing games with someone. Mentally or emotionally. Love is not a game.

Love should not be put on hold due to fears, restraints or time restrictions. If you love someone tell them. Only if you mean it, and if you do, make sure you tell them alot. Time doesnt wait, everyday changes and if you dont take what chances you have now, you will only lose them, and never get them back, you will be lucky to get more in the future. People need to be told they are loved-no one can read minds.

Appreciate the person who you love and who loves you in the first place. It isnt easy putting your heart out and giving it to someone. That is the hardest thing in life to do. So respect that person. If you have feelings for that person, stop playing it like you dont, you can only hurt yourself and them.

I am not a convenient lover, nor a convenient friend. I am a ride or die type of person and I dont appreciate not being taken advantage of, only being taken for granted. I offer my honest and real love. I am patient with you because I know people need time, and they arent perfect. I follow my intuition.

If I have told you I dont need or want you in my life, I mean it. Once I trusted you almost completely and you said one thing and did another. Your actions scream one thing and your words only whisper another. I am not giving you a second (millionth) chance because I know you havent changed. I am sorry, but you are not what I want nor need and I know you will never be able to give me that. I have forgiven you, but there is nothing left for me to give you, and even if there was, I wouldnt do it again. I learned my lesson, and for that I thank you.

I need to do what makes me happy, and lately that has been a struggle for me. So I am changing, and making sure I eliminate what doesnt make me happy. I cant be scared or afriad of loving someone, that isnt love. So now you understand, we can never be.

I have a new life, and I am a new person. I am living that life. So feel free to watch.

1558 miles

Thats how far away you are from me.

Saying I miss you is never going to be enough.
Your my home, I need you. I miss you.
My heart is not in Salt Lake, it is with you.

Please, come home.
I really miss you.

I really miss you.

If words were sufficent to even begin to touch on the depth of my emotions, I doubt I would even begin to know where to look to find them.

Grandpapa, its been 9 years...and in 3 days, Grandma, it will be 8. You both left my world so suddenly. I remember the way you smelt, the way your kisses tasted...your vocies, I am sad to say, I dont remember. I remember your embraces...I would give anything to spend an hour with you. Anything.

I wish you were here, I wish you could see me, I wish I could drive the 3 hours to come see you, because if I could I would. Its hard not having you around. I wish I could know what you thought about me, my life...I wonder if I make you proud, or if you turn your head in shame...I wish I could hear you tell me you love me, I wish I could hear you tell me I was your favorite...

It almost a decade, that sounds like a long time, and I still feel like you left me yesterday. I remember when I got the news you had passed, those memories are so vivid. I wish I could have one more moment with you, I should have run back for one more hug and kiss.

I am impatient for the day to come when I will see you once again, and feel your safe embraces. I miss you so much, and there is nothing to cure it, I cant write you a letter, I cant call you, I cant drive up and come see you-nothing but wait. I love you.

the fork.

I now stand about a month away from school ending.

I am barely making it through school, nerves...anxiety...their not leaving me alone.
But I am dealing, I am trying and thats all I can do for now. I can only offer my best.

My best friend will soon be leaving to go on his mission.
My other best friend wants me to go to Washington with her for summer sales...
And my other best friend wants me to join her in going to Texas or Mississippi for summer sales.

Oh man, there is going to be some major praying going on. The time is quickly coming and I will need to decide. I wish I could split myself into several people so I could do everything. Time for God to answer, He didnt ask me to ask Him with no intention of answering.

Oh man.

I...

Speechless.

I am trying to clear the windows through which I veiw my life, it seems lately, the rain storms have fogged the glass enough to cause confusion.

I am not usually this way, this is not who I want to be, nor who I am meant to be, so I must change. And change now.

I dont know where to begin.

School, it is overwhelming, I am falling behind. I either sleep too much, and miss doing the homework I need to do; or I sleep so little I cant function. Either way, its ruining my goals-I want to go to BYU for school, I want to be a psycologist, but it feels like heaven and earth are combining up against me to stop me...or is it just hell. Heaven is my aid. My teachers are noticing...and so am I.

I dont like providing excuses, I believe in taking responsibility for what happens, both the good and the bad, although, taking the credit for something good is harder than taking the blame for something less good, actually, it is easy for me to accept that I am the one at fault, and I will admit, at times I may not be...but I find a way to connect myself to things, and the guilt sets in. But you know why I do provide explainations? Because this is life. It isnt picture perfect.

I dont like saying I am depressed, it makes me feel like I am having a pity party and starved for attention. I dont want to seem needy...or like I need people to listen to me, and I am self important...But I am not. I can usually deal, but most recently, it seems like it only rains on me...even when I am aware of my friends situations and I know there are worse things out there. I am always trying to be positive, its how I want to be, and I can usually get there, but right now, I feel fake...the smiles I have to reach deep down and force out, its like a tug of war game. But I cannot control the physical chemicals that my body does or doesnt produce.

So what? I am crying more than usual. Its part of the disorder. I have higher anxiety-I am dealing with it the best I can.

I hate that I feel like I havent been a good friend to people, and that I am selfish. i hate that my family relationships are failing, I am just not happy with where I am now. Time for change.

I feel like all my friends are leaving, and I am scared. I love the people in my life, it is very easy for me to love you. Once I do, I dont want to be left, abandoned....I dont stop loving people. I dont - cant, let go. Its just who I am so take it or leave it. They all have their own lives to live, and their so special to me. Maybe i just dont want to be forgetten and replaced? Maybe I am selfish. Their all going on missions, getting married, graduating from school-so much is changing.

So, I am trying something new. This summer, I maybe moving to Mississippi.

There is so much that is intimidating about this to me, although I do love adventure, and need to be out, on my own...i need this life expereience...
I love the people I have now, I love being around them, spending time with them, but I dont depend on people anymore-i dont think I can take the let downs anymore, my box is too full...All i can say is God is going to take care of me. I know that.

I am independant, and I am pursuing my own source of happiness. I worry I wont be strong enough for so many things, life. So, right now I am just taking one day, one step at a time. I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Because, it is hard to feel alive and pain is the only reminder I have for now.

If you care, like I hope you do, stick around. Please.
I promise, I am going to change this, I am going to make the best of what I have...i am going to be better. I am going to smile, when I think I cant. I am going to be strong when i feel like the last ounce of strength I have is spent, and will thank those who have helped me carry my burden. My life is going to be hectic for a small season, but when you are truely loved, and truely a good person, you have to deal with truely difficult things...the only way to grow.

Valentines day...give or take...

I was just thinking about the aspect of love.

I have spent 20 years alone on Valentines day, and every year it has bothered me that I haven't had someone to share it with. Although, I the thought that I was never really alone has entered my mind:

Love always exists. love is eternal because it is from God, it is God, and with God, there is no beginning and no end.

I have had some wonderful friends in my life, and there has been a great love between us. I have a family. I have Christ.

It humbles me that there is so much love that often goes unrecognized. So, whether you are single, taken, whatever, just remember Valentines day is not ALL about a significant other, it is about LOVE. Love between you and all those in your life who care about you, and about those you care about.

Love freely, just for a day, its going to change you life. Be kind, that is the ultimate sign of love.

My heart goes out to the happy family I met over Christmas break, a wonderful mother of two beautiful little children. She was about to be married, and have another child...then she was murdered out of selfishness.

I pray that the violence can stop, that children and wives will no longer be afriad of the one they call father and husband...

My heart also goes out to those who have lost someone to an overdose...

This week has hit me with many surprises...I dont know why God has allowed such tragedy's to occur, but all I know is that He has a plan. He has a purpose that until we meet Him once again, we will never know or understand. But He cares, and loves us, and trials are a way to remind us that He hasnt forgotten us, but that He wants us to turn to Him in humility to be healed.

I pray for those of you who know who you are, I love you.