A long goodbye...

I apologize, I know you wanted space…but I had to come see you, talk with you once more. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the near future with this terrifying change. And I don’t know where that change will leave me. So, I was ready and I needed answers, I needed closure. I wanted to make sure I didn’t make a mistake I would forever regret, I wanted you to know that you knew and were sure that “nothing” is what you really wanted. I didn’t want to end what we had on a bad note. I couldn’t live with the regret that I hadn’t done everything I could, and said everything that I needed to say, and hear everything I needed to hear.

It wasn’t a waste of time. I was confused at what had happened and I am still trying to understand what you said and what you do-what happened. But I knew what I was getting into, I knew you weren’t coming back. I just had to know for sure, for me.
You have gone and left me and so many promises and plans – everything and you have done it so effortlessly; you assumed things and didn’t ask me. You think you are doing what’s best for me, and you guarantee it is best for me, but I assure you, you are wrong. I wouldn’t argue with you, because ultimately, you are the one who wins, I might as well not even speak. But I know whats best for me. And if your happy, then I am happy.

You say there is too much there, and you don’t want to hurt me…I remember you said the last thing you wanted was for me to be hurt…why didn’t you think to stop and ask me? I told you, I am an open book, yet you overlooked what could have changed the situation that now exists.

It would be better for you to literally punch a hole through my chest; it would hurt less than this. What we had, was the best I ever had, and saying goes: “These violent delights, have violent ends, and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume them.”

You gave me the title, which I tried to fulfill…you read into what I did and forgot to tell me that I was doing too much. You say its best we let go, that I am better without you. Why do you think you can decide what is good for me? No matter how much I pray, I know things won’t change. There are days when I miss you so much, and there are days I wish I could just meet up for lunch with you and catch up on life and just talk with you, like we did. There are days I wish we could go back, but I don’t want to go back. I was only willing to move forward, and you are moving forward, but we’re both going on different paths. I really wish we could still be friends.

You changed my life, made it so much better. I still love you, and always will. I don’t think I will ever let go, I don’t have it in me. I am a ride or die, and you are always welcome here. I could never wish anything bad for you; in fact, I wish only the best for you. I wish we could be a part of each other’s lives, but I see it won’t be that way. I hope someday we can be, in time. It may take a couple of years, and only time will tell. But I am not waiting around.

So now I am tearing down that future I should have never built, promises and words can be so empty. I am flying on my own and building my life in the here and now. Oh how I wish things could be different, but wishful thinking gets us nowhere. And I know no matter how much I pray, the heavens won’t change things between us.

Last night was our long goodbye, but there is never a good time for goodbyes, and I hate them. I despise them. I didn’t really say goodbye. I never do, and probably never will. Like you said, “there is too much there”…there is always that hope, even if it takes a life time, you made a promise, that we would always be friends…I’m sad you forgot that.

Give me time, I have heard and expereienced so much, I need time. Time will tell. I will be better in time.

It has all been done and said. I wonder if I waited too long, because you seem to have used that time to have me replaced. I can longer silence myself, my grief over losing the one thing I wanted most is like experiencing a death, I am just waiting for your funeral invite. So go ahead, tell the world what I hoped for and how it is impossible. If someone had told me 3 years from now, you would be long gone; I would have stood up and punched them out. Every memory I will cherish, until we meet again, and one day, everything will be right. But I keep you locked in my memory…