Stalkers...

So...this year I have been stalked by 3 men older than my papa-men old enough to be my dad.


EW.

Ew a million times over and over.

I even made a totally new myspace page and left my old one up so they could think I just stopped getting on...

And now I am a myspace booty call??

How does that work?


I am not even desperate to have a man...although I would be lying if I tried to deny that it is a goal and would be nice, I am not desperate. Heavens no. No.

I am not good at being mean to people, or turning them down, but this honestly is getting ridiculous. I cannot stand it. I am friendly to people all the time, I don't judge off appearance, I like being nice to people, I like having friends...but I don't like men that grovel like the ones who have, and possibly still are stalking me.

Ugh.

I really

miss YOU. I wish you were here.

I would give the whole world to see your face again.

Friends, I love you.

When I was in the hospital, I had alot of time to think...even outside. It took 2 months to get better. That is alot of thinking time.
During which, I realized how many blessings I have, and have had, and I told myself I would thank you, my friends for what you do, who you are.
Life ended up busying me as soon as I could walk a straight line, and I haven't forgotten to say, thank you.

In my patriarchal blessing it states:

"Always seek for good friends and associates who have the same lofty goals in
life that you have, then you will enjoy a feeling of peace and security in your
involvement with them."

Now, some of you maybe getting a repeat, but I feel the need to publicly acknowledge you for sharing your greatness with me. Because I need it in my life.
Also, many of you know, I do not do so well touching on more "emotional subjects", I don't like crying in front of people, so consider this just as genuine as me saying it. Please.






Michael, my my Michael. How I love you. I remember having class with you-oh the fun of accounting and institute. Thank you for being so kind and loving to me. I wish there were more people like you, you always make me smile, and I love seeing you because of that. You are special and I am so happy we are friends. I miss having class with you, playing and joking with you. You have made me better.

By the way, your hugs are awesome!!









Katie my dear, you are so funny!! I love catching up with you, I admire you and unfortunately, I envy what you have. You have helped me through the hardest part of my life, and loved me despite my imperfections. Thank you, for being a good example for me. I love you.











Sadies!! I wish we had more time to get together and hit the gym like we used to. You are so sweet, I love how much you inspire me. I think you are one of the most beautiful people inside and out that I know. Thank you for being my friend.













Timmy Tim Tim, aka: Timmeh!! Thanks for being such a bud to me!! I love swinging with you at parks, talking randomly about life in general, and I love your honest opinion and advice. You humor kills me, and I enjoy sitting in my car eating frosty's with french fries...or just a gallon of ice cream with Ian and us. ha. Thanks for being you.













Oh, my darling Sarah. You always make me laugh!! Thank you for being my friend, for reaching out to me, when that's all I needed. I am glad we have met, your spirit is so tender, and your personality shines.











Alex. Thank you for loving me when I felt unlovable (which happens alot). You are the most giving person I know, and you have impacted my life, and there is no expiration date for that. I am glad we got stuck in that contract together, you make it alot better to get along with.









Oh my goodness, KAY to the LA!! I love having class with you, you are adorable and are the sweetest girl ever!! Thanks for being you, because you stick out in such a special way, it makes me want to stick out too.

p.s. ahem...we need that sleep over asap.















Ali, you are the kindest person I know. I am so glad I met you last year, you have changed my life so much. Thank you for not judging me, for helping me, advising me, and for making time for me. You make me feel loved, regardless of my faults. I wish more girls shared your outlook on life, you are an amazing woman-and you make me a better person each time I talk with you, or spend time with you. Thank you for living the way you do, and encouraging me. I appreciate you.













Andrew. Thanks for being a friend when I really needed it. Your pretty great my friend, pretty great. Even though you kill me when I cannot figure out how to defend myself...
















Deshi - my dear Deshi. You are the most humble person I know, so down to earth and honest and kind. Thank you for being my friend. I admire you, you are amazing!!















Heather boo!! I love talking with you!! You have done so much for me, getting me that crazy job, you have been so generous in buying me dinner several times. I have been more outgoing since we have been hanging out. You are pretty rad, thanks for being the confidence boost I need, you are it baby girl!! I love it!! I love your super compliments too-days with you are always the best!!











Shaina, my love. My twin!! What more can I say to you than I haven't?? Alot. You know me, all of me. And still, you love me, and stay by me. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I love how well we know each other. I cannot wait to see you again, although there is quite a bit of distance between us, I feel closer to you than I have in the past. You change me, and make me better. You are a pillar in my life. Thank you. I love you.











Denny!! You are such a blast to be around!! Your compliments are always so sweet and come exactly when I need them. You give me hope in life, and I think you are awesome!! I absolutely LOVE being friends with you; you are incredible. xoxoxx











Hey Shakira!! Thank you for talking with me. I love it. I love going to the gym with you!! You are totally sweet!! And I will always remember what you said, because it made my day: "I love that I have pretty friends because I can look at them!!"
You are a strong person, who is accepting and generous. I am happy for you!! I am so glad we had "that" talk. We can do this thing, life, together.













Kels, I love how long we have been friends. You have never done anything to betray my trust. Thank you. And when I told you how awful I was, you still loved me. No matter how much I mess up, you still accept me. Thank you for being my friend. We have had a irreplaceable memories in the past, and I hope we will have more. Love you.
















Girl!! Thanks so much for coming and seeing me in the hospital!! It meant so much to me, that you cared enough about me to come see me, and to help me do my phycho hair. You are the kindest and friendliest girl ever!!












Dan Dan the ___________ Looooopy Man.
I absolutely love you!! You have made my day several times. Meeting in Wooley's class was crazy, and I am beyond happy that we are friends. You are such a good influence on me, and I love being in your presence. You can always make me laugh and smile, and are the most accepting person, man I know. Thank you for loving me despite that messed up side of me, and for treating me like nothing is wrong with me. Thank you for your hugs, which I love. You better save me some while your on a mission, I need 2 years supply, and then you can send some in a bottle. Words cannot express how I love our friendship. Your the best. xoxoxx









Braden, last, but not least. (You weren't planned last my friend, its just how it worked!!)
We met in EFY, we were in the same company a few times. I never had the gut to tell you, that I admire your spirit. You are such a good person. I am happy I can tell you that now, and that I have the chance. Since then, you have become someone better, thank you for living righteously. That day we hung out for forever-I really needed a friend that day. Thank you. Thank you for sharing who you are with me. Thank you for being kind, and happy. I love it!!

Figuring things out.

I love writing. It is so therapeutic for me.
I often have so much to write about, to say, to sort through and share, but life gets a bit hectic and crazy and I don't get to. There are things I want to say, and don't know how to word them, or I am just not satisfied with what I have put out there previously. Many things stay bottled up inside me and I wait until the contents are spilling over. Today is not that day, but I can feel that day nearing.

I am happiest in Summer. Not only because I despise the chilling weather. But I get so much sun. It makes me happy. Fall, no denial, is the most exciting of all seasons, the beautiful colors in the trees spark my creativity, my imagination. To me, it signifies a great season of change in my life. Its been a year now. And only a few people will know what that means. A year.

Winter, is stunning. I love how white and beautiful the world is, it is a sight to see. Although I wish I had someone to see it with. To share it with. I love the Christmas lights, the hot chocolate, the closeness families and friends experience.

This year, my family cannot afford to provide Christmas. I am not worried about the gifts-I am fine if I have what I need, and I do. My family has what they need. But Chad, my little brother, still believes in Santa, in fact, humorously, Chad thinks I am Santa's elf. I don't want him to find out that there is no man dressed in red, jolly as can be, sneaking into our home, with flying reindeer awaiting him on the roof, because we cannot afford it.

I wish I knew how to fix this. What to do and say.

There is someone I used to talk to often, who I trusted. Loved. Admired.
Why don't you talk to me anymore? Why don't you care anymore?
I wish you did.
I wanted things to be what I have dreamt of...
I shouldn't be surprised-I have always had to fight a good fight for happiness, it shouldn't be any different for my dreams.
The way you have just left me, makes me feel like I have failed. Like I haven't measured up to what you saw in me.

I makes me think there is something wrong with me. Even when you see the good, and tell me; I get confused. Because of you absence, and silence, I let my mind wonder to where it shouldn't, a place where I analyze me, and look for everything wrong with me-because you cant - wont tell me.

I wish to say to another: I miss you. I miss us.

I have realized that I am worth something. I am discovering that more and more each day. I am now fixing me, because I want to be happy. I want to be better.

I also wish to say to another: do you think of me? I think of you. Do you feel the way I do? I pray so. I am ready, waiting. My part of the bridge is built, I can help you build yours, but you have to let me, help me.

And I wish to scold someone. You are so vain. Never attempt to put people below you, so you can raise yourself on higher ground. That is most definitely not confidence my friend. You are shallow.

I am learning, living, feeling.
And for now, I am done.

Call me visionary

This is seriously starting to annoy me. Dream after dream. But I want to tell you because it is so wonderful.

I see a man, he comes into my life, and I am happiest with him. I am never unhappy. He holds my hand, tells me he thinks I am wonderful, amazing, beautiful. He is willing to give me the world, no matter what.

We do things together, swing on long swings, take hundreds of pictures together, shop together, love, laugh, smile and cry together. He makes me better. Every time I see him. Think of him. Talk about him.

We look into each others eyes all the time, it is what first drew us in. What is on the inside. We cuddle when its cold, under a blanket, watching a movie. We drive for hours just because we can, and we talk of the small things, and things that are imperative to us. What we want to do with our lives, together. Oh, together. How wonderful. Together.

He gets on one knee, its privately public, as I begin to cry, he slides the ring onto my finger, and we embrace, while tender kisses trickle in through the smiles, and stutters as I search for words hopelessly. I see us outside the white beautiful castle, our family and friends are there, I am wearing white, and so is he. We smile, and as always, look into each others eyes and whisper our "I love you's" and then a small "we made it"..."WE made it!!"

Pictures are taken, the reception is only a small part of my dream, because I dream big, the reception is perfect none-the-less. We spend all our time together, happy. And soon, I am with child. I am more than happy. And so is he as he reads the message on my tummy, and I read his face.

We have beautiful, children. Flawless. Like our life together-no matter what, we are together. We are happy.

And that is all I want.

Any other day

My favorite season has passed and wont return for 3 more seasons, I miss it; I have officially moved into fall, all my boxes are unpacked and reality has set in-this is home. Although I despite the cold, ok, hating the cold is an understatement, there is something exciting about it-about the change. I love the red trees, the changing leaves, the sweaters and jackets, gloves and scarves.

The cooler weather brings people closer, both physically and emotionally. Again, this is another post about my longing for love. But this time, it feels different. My intentions are different. I want to be a mother, more than anything. I want to love and be loved. That is not much to ask, these reoccuring dreams of my family, my husband, are driving me insane. It leaves me envying myself, in my restful state, sleeping is something to both look forward to and hide from. Although I am happy with the pictures I see, I feel the sting that I now lack what I desire.

There is a song I adore, it is titled: "Every Season" and it's by Nichole Nordeman. I highly recommend it, and I think it fits perfectly for this post. Here are the lyrics:

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds I will offer thanks for what has been and
was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring.

I have many things to say, but school is taking over my life, as it usually does. Take care, until I post again. xoxoxx