There are some things I just wish did not make me, me.

I dont want to be the one who falls in love so easily.
Whose heart strings can be so easily pulled.
I hate how vunerable my heart is.


I think I will always be in love with love. Love, real love has never hurt me, the lack of love has.

The case of love at first sight, is nourished by my desire to want to believe what I did.
The cae of the high school romance.
The case of the accidnetal romance.
the case of the big win. (Holding down the playa')


There are other qualities I wish I could change, or that did not exist in my entity. But those will be saved for a new post, my New Years post. With my resolutions and such.

Abandonment.

I told you once it hurt, you apologized-awhile after.
I accepted and forgave and quickly forgot.

I kept at it, trying to gain a little bit of your attention.
Dont you hear my cries anymore?

Do you not hear me saying I need you?


Excuses are not legit anymore. I have given all I have to make this a worthwhile relationship, I remind you to call, I ask you to do things...yet I never hear back from you...but others do.

Why am I the one to be neglected if I have so much value to you?

I am already numb from all the pain I bear, last year you were willing to help, we grew close...i guess my burdens are too much for you to bear.
What happened? Did you find people more interesting? People who were not such problems? People who did more for you than I could? People who can replace me...

My papa once told me, take advantage of the ones you love, for they may not be here tomorrow, but be careful to not take them for granted. Maybe because I give to you so freely it is easy to be taken for granted.

I miss the phone calls we used to have, the texts you used to send me everyday...now I am lucky to hear from you once a month. After I have taken the steps to get ahold of you.

Surely, you have your own life, you have offered me a peice, but I am not one to be left on a shelf to never be talked to, adored, worried about, etc...I want to be a part of your life. Give me the chance. Reach out to me.

Have you been poisioned and blinded by someone?

There's a possibility.

They say politeness is the biggest sign of hypocrisy and dislike...

I am tempted to just not try anymore and see when, wait, scratch that, if you ever noticed my absence. Would you?

Louisiana

Today my best [guy] friend is leaving to begin a 2 year journey. He is going to Louisiana, and I am going to miss him dearly.


He came and saw me when I was hospitalized. He held my hand as I took my first steps outside after being diagnosed with vertigo. He has been a listening ear in times of need, without judgement; and has shared my joy in the brighter things in life.

We met in Wooley's class our junior year of high school. And then we ended up going our separate ways. A year later I thought about him one day and decided to see if I could find him on myspace, and so our friendship began to blossom.

I went and watched a soccer game of his senior year. We talked on myspace and found we had things in common, like our knees, and our belief's we even found out that we would be attending the same college.

i never intended to go to the LDSBC, it was the last choice i would have ever picked, but I did, and his support made it easier to go. Except the first year he was not there. I ran into him the freshman party night. We went to temple square and drove within the avenues. That was a good night.

He ended up going to Brasil to have knee surgery, and I didnt see him until this summer, right before I got vertigo. We went to lunch at AppleBy's-he paid.

He gives the best hugs I have ever got. Days when I think my world might fall apart if someone does not quickly squeeze back together, Daniel is there to be the squeeze I need. He is the warm smile I need to see that life is ok. He is the friend I need.

He has many qualities I admire about him, he is a good generous person. And I love him. I love our friendship.

I am going to miss him. If I end up serving a mission, I wouldnt see him for 3 years. i really do not deal well with time and distance.

I hope that these 2 years go by quickly, and are filled with letters and pictures. Until we meet again, all my love.

no love

I sit in my room alone.

another fight. no surprise here.

i am tired of the air being rank with hypocrisy.

and my oppinion is quickly silenced because "she is always right"...then i am quick to be blamed for everything and i am the center of attention to have all my imperfections picked out and spotlighted and then critized. no wonder i dont tell you things.

whatever hold she is using on my "father" is not a fair one...he has never agreed with her to the extent he does now...honestly, suicide seems like a good way out right now. there is no consideration for my feelings.

suicide.

no more emotional torment.
no more worries about bills and such.
no more difficulites.

i wouldnt be missed. especially by people in this house, only for a day or two, then they would move on, find someone more better than me. but only chad and my father.
friends would move on-they have heir own lives, people to love them, more friends, more important people than things to worry about than me. there would be one less unemployeed, messed up person in this world.

the pressure to cry is building, i clench my jaw to prevent the hurt from falling from behind my eyes. i have no one to wipe them or catch them. like i said, alienated.

life is hard enough...why does she have to complicate it even more?

i will never do this to my children. ever.
if i ever get there.

of course, i will probably wake up tomorrow...althuogh i dont want to...why must i go on in a battle i feel i am losing? are not the people you call "family" to make things easier?

well, i dont have that.
not even one.

Sophomore once again?

Yes, I am a sophomore in college, but I am talking about feeling like a high school sophomore. I have no car, so I am forced either to car pool and borrow a car, or be picked up and dropped off, or take the bus.

But the biggest thing right now, is that all my friends are leaving...and it is getting lonely.

Shaina is off in Cedar...I havent seen her in over 6 months...miserable.
Ali, she in Orem, getting ready for school to start.
Sarah, she has gone back to Georgia and will be leaving to go on her mission soon, in the latter part of January, she will only be about 6 hours away...but I am forbidden to see her. Sadies is always busy. Heather is always working or dancing. And not to mention we live about an hour apart. Daniel leaves to go on his mission in about a day...

With all my closest friends leaving to go on missions, moving, going to college, working, getting married, starting a family, I must confess, it is a little more than lonely. I often sit alone in my room as to avoid the contention in our home...i am growing tired of such stupid and meaningless arguments.

I have to force myself to make newfriends against my body's restrainment and "better judgement" or rather lack of. SAD cause people not to reach out...so it is harder right now.

I am done for the day, back to job searching, cleaning, homework...life. I guess....

(I think its sad that "life" is no longer referred to as something happy, but rather a chore, or a burden, like when you ask someone what is wrong they reply "oh its just life"...is there any other better words to describe hard and trying times?)

If walls could talk...

My room would tell you the stories of how many times I have cried because of boys breaking my heart, because of the mean words spoken to my face and behind my back by "friends" and enemies.

They would tell you of the betrayals by friends. They would tell you the things I have muttered under my breathe at my parents. They would tell you the tears cried over hurtful words, screaming and hot, red faces with emotions boiling to the surface.

They would tell you of the isolation, loneliness and disappointment I feel on a daily basis.

They would tell you of the longing i have for so many good things, for a better, happier life.

They would tell you of the nights when I could barely sleep because of excitement; they would tell you of my dreams and nightmares, of my disappointed hopes and buried emotions and thoughts.

They would tell you my darkest, most deep secrets.

They would tell you of the countless phones calls I had with those whom I have loved, love and will forever love.

They would tell you of my fears.

They would tell you of sleep overs filled with whispers, giggles and moments of extreme happiness.

They would tell you my most memorable moments. Both the good and the bad.
They would tell you of my insecurities. They would tell you how to wrap me around your finger, to make me happy, and secure. They would tell you what I really want.

They would tell you how sick and tired I am of pretending we have a picture perfect family. That those only exist in portraits.

They would tell you how I want a worthwhile relationship with my mother, the ones I envy from my friends. They would tell you of my regrets. They would tell you how sorry I am. They would tell you how much I hate the fighting, and then quickly putting on my mask to hide the hurt and the imperfection. They would tell you how I want to be able to be remotely civil with Justin everyday.

They would tell you of unspoken words. They would tell you how hard I have had to work, when I have given up, or moved on.

They would tell you the truth.

They would tell you who I am. Who I want to be. What I want to do.

My living room...oh boy. The living room.
The living room would tell stories of why my family is the way it is now. They would tell you of how many fights have been fought and remain unclaimed. It would tell you the painful stories of emotions no one should feel.

It would tell you of the rare nights where no one is willing to put up a fight and can just go with the flow, and watch AFV or something, then they would tell of the laughter to follow the shows.

They would tell you of phone conversations and choice of music listened to.

They would tell you of frustrations, healing, disappointment, happiness, tragedy,

They would tell you of my mistakes, along with Justin's, Chad's, my papa's and my mothers.

They could tell you the hours spent fighting over meaningless things, the painful words thrown around, the mental and emotional abuse that has gone on because of things.

They would tell you alot about the personalities of my family.

They would tell you time after time of all the ridiculous things we get riled up over. They would tell you doubts, sarcasm, tears cried, feelings hurt, of desperation, and the longing to help another.

They would tell you of the anger, animosity, bitterness, and hypocrisy here.

They would tell you of words needing to be said, but not. They would tell you of the [unfair] judgements passed, sneaky deeds, the loss of control, the stress and fear and struggle.

They would tell you about everyone's life who has live here-they have seen and heard everything at least once, if not more than a dozen times.

They would tell you because they listen.

New Years resolutions?

Maybe this is the best time of year, it is a timefor introspection, and a time for goal setting; because during the year I tend to lose sight of my goals with life's sorrows acting as my blinders.

I sit here and think...what do I want? What do I need? What were my dreams and goals?

I used to be so happy, I used to know...I used to see.

I want to be married soon...
I want to serve a mission.
I want to be temple worthy again.
I want to move out of my parents house and provide for myself.
I want to lose my weight.
I want to be rid of negativity in my life...

(This list is starting to seem a little intimidating)

I want to travel.
I want to be a fashion designer.
I want to work on SVU.
I want be someone great.
I want to change a life.
I want to wear a swimming suit and not care about my imperfections, but embrace them.
I want to be debt free.
I want to be independant.
I want to have a stable job.
I want to move out of this neighborhood.
I want to help people, weather it be through my funds, talents or time.
i want to adopt a child or two from another country.
I want to do more than what was expected and excell.
I want to prove myself wrong.
I want to shame those who have hurt me through success.
I want a relationship with my brother and my mom,].

I want to open my own place and provide my services.
I want to go to hair school.
i want to be financially stable.

for now, I am drained, it is difficult to have dreams and watch them get closer, and then watch them burst into a a smoke screen. I dont want to fail.

December 7th, 2009

The cold white powder begins to settle in my mind. Winter is here.
I watch the old lonely man walking across the street, no lover to hold and warm his hand,
and heart.

I wonder if I will end up like that. After only 19 years, the pangs of being single still haunt me. Christmas songs fill the air, and oh...why must I imagine such scenes...

Moving on.

I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with, a good family, amazing friends...I have a home [that I must add, is literally falling apart]. I have a car [that too quickly empty's of all that is good]. The bills are high, my name is on collections lists'...sometimes, its a little hard to stay happy when you keep remembering what is making you stay awake at night.

There is too much month left at the end of the money. There is never enough time. Ever.

I dont remember my first intentions of writing. Dang!! I will just write what I may until it comes back to me.

Yesterday was one of the most spiritually edifying Sabbaths I have had in a long time, it has given me much hope that I can make my life and future brighter, happier. That things will be ok.
"Chains shall he break...in his name all oppression shall cease..." all I know is we will be ok because we are in his hands.

There are 2 blessings I am especially grateful for today.
1) ron Morelli, he is a wonderful man, friend and inspiration may God bless him!!
2) My family and I were blessed with $5000 gift card to R.C. Willey, as my papa said, there are others who deserved it as well, indeed it is a blessing. We have a couch. A new fridge and freezer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!