I...

Speechless.

I am trying to clear the windows through which I veiw my life, it seems lately, the rain storms have fogged the glass enough to cause confusion.

I am not usually this way, this is not who I want to be, nor who I am meant to be, so I must change. And change now.

I dont know where to begin.

School, it is overwhelming, I am falling behind. I either sleep too much, and miss doing the homework I need to do; or I sleep so little I cant function. Either way, its ruining my goals-I want to go to BYU for school, I want to be a psycologist, but it feels like heaven and earth are combining up against me to stop me...or is it just hell. Heaven is my aid. My teachers are noticing...and so am I.

I dont like providing excuses, I believe in taking responsibility for what happens, both the good and the bad, although, taking the credit for something good is harder than taking the blame for something less good, actually, it is easy for me to accept that I am the one at fault, and I will admit, at times I may not be...but I find a way to connect myself to things, and the guilt sets in. But you know why I do provide explainations? Because this is life. It isnt picture perfect.

I dont like saying I am depressed, it makes me feel like I am having a pity party and starved for attention. I dont want to seem needy...or like I need people to listen to me, and I am self important...But I am not. I can usually deal, but most recently, it seems like it only rains on me...even when I am aware of my friends situations and I know there are worse things out there. I am always trying to be positive, its how I want to be, and I can usually get there, but right now, I feel fake...the smiles I have to reach deep down and force out, its like a tug of war game. But I cannot control the physical chemicals that my body does or doesnt produce.

So what? I am crying more than usual. Its part of the disorder. I have higher anxiety-I am dealing with it the best I can.

I hate that I feel like I havent been a good friend to people, and that I am selfish. i hate that my family relationships are failing, I am just not happy with where I am now. Time for change.

I feel like all my friends are leaving, and I am scared. I love the people in my life, it is very easy for me to love you. Once I do, I dont want to be left, abandoned....I dont stop loving people. I dont - cant, let go. Its just who I am so take it or leave it. They all have their own lives to live, and their so special to me. Maybe i just dont want to be forgetten and replaced? Maybe I am selfish. Their all going on missions, getting married, graduating from school-so much is changing.

So, I am trying something new. This summer, I maybe moving to Mississippi.

There is so much that is intimidating about this to me, although I do love adventure, and need to be out, on my own...i need this life expereience...
I love the people I have now, I love being around them, spending time with them, but I dont depend on people anymore-i dont think I can take the let downs anymore, my box is too full...All i can say is God is going to take care of me. I know that.

I am independant, and I am pursuing my own source of happiness. I worry I wont be strong enough for so many things, life. So, right now I am just taking one day, one step at a time. I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Because, it is hard to feel alive and pain is the only reminder I have for now.

If you care, like I hope you do, stick around. Please.
I promise, I am going to change this, I am going to make the best of what I have...i am going to be better. I am going to smile, when I think I cant. I am going to be strong when i feel like the last ounce of strength I have is spent, and will thank those who have helped me carry my burden. My life is going to be hectic for a small season, but when you are truely loved, and truely a good person, you have to deal with truely difficult things...the only way to grow.

Valentines day...give or take...

I was just thinking about the aspect of love.

I have spent 20 years alone on Valentines day, and every year it has bothered me that I haven't had someone to share it with. Although, I the thought that I was never really alone has entered my mind:

Love always exists. love is eternal because it is from God, it is God, and with God, there is no beginning and no end.

I have had some wonderful friends in my life, and there has been a great love between us. I have a family. I have Christ.

It humbles me that there is so much love that often goes unrecognized. So, whether you are single, taken, whatever, just remember Valentines day is not ALL about a significant other, it is about LOVE. Love between you and all those in your life who care about you, and about those you care about.

Love freely, just for a day, its going to change you life. Be kind, that is the ultimate sign of love.

My heart goes out to the happy family I met over Christmas break, a wonderful mother of two beautiful little children. She was about to be married, and have another child...then she was murdered out of selfishness.

I pray that the violence can stop, that children and wives will no longer be afriad of the one they call father and husband...

My heart also goes out to those who have lost someone to an overdose...

This week has hit me with many surprises...I dont know why God has allowed such tragedy's to occur, but all I know is that He has a plan. He has a purpose that until we meet Him once again, we will never know or understand. But He cares, and loves us, and trials are a way to remind us that He hasnt forgotten us, but that He wants us to turn to Him in humility to be healed.

I pray for those of you who know who you are, I love you.

My friends are beautiful.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

If your picture is here, I just want to tell you thank you. You have touched, altered, and bettered my life in some way, even if you think it is small & insignifcant, you have made a big difference to me. And that makes your presence in my life very special, thank you for being a friend to me.

Closure.

I want to let go, I know I should, I know it would make me happier...But I cant handle what you do to me. Its too bad your making me decide.

You never call me anymore. What happened? You have left my life and our friendship in the dust and have deserted me,giving excuses to justify your lack of involvement in my life; if it makes you feel better and helps you sleep at night, go ahead and repeat the lies you once told me, but everything else, please, I just dont want to know.

The letters you wrote me, saying how much you loved me, and thought of me as your sister...how can you act like I dont exist? You made so many empty promises. It devastates me to lose such a friend like you...or the friend you used to be.

We texted everyday, we had our secret inside jokes...we had our spot where we could leave everything after good heart to heart talks and where we would take 400 hundred pictures in an hour.

You knew me better than anyone else did. You knew how bad it hurt me with what happened in my past. You knew how emotionally attached I had become, you knew that I love deeply, passionately, fully, intimately, unconditionally, fiercely....and yet you took me for granted...you can only push me away so far before I just turn around and walk away. I wont waste my time fighting against you, i just want you to be happy-and I want to be happy.

I miss YOU.

I wish you cared. I wish you weren't different. But I cant change you, or change your mind. It makes me sad you changed, and that we have grown apart. I only wish I could know why-you fulfill my insecurities.

So, why bother? Maybe because I need to just say it, speak whats on my heart. I just need to say goodbye.

in contrast to me.

right when I reach a point in my life where I am ok being single, and enjoying it, someone comes around and plants a thought into my mind, and I begin to question my sanity on both sides. The "should I or should I not" whole ordeal. I just am tired of being hurt and if something is going to come from it, I want to be real.

Here is a pretty good song in relation to what I am feeling right now:

Knocks you down byKeri Hilson ft. Neyo

Heh, not again
Ohh, this ain't supposed to happen to me

Keep rockin', and keep knockin'
Whether you Louis Vuitton it up or Reebokin'
You see the hate, that they're servin' on a platter
So what we gon' have, dessert or disaster?

I never thought I'd be in love like this
When I look at you my mind goes on a trip
Then you came in, and knocked me on my face
Feels like in I'm a race
But I already won first place

I never thought I'd fall for you as hard as I did
(As hard as I did, yeah)
You got me thinkin' bout our life our house and kids, yeah
Every mornin' I look at you and smile
'Cause boy you came around and you knocked me down
Knocked me down

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

I never thought I'd, hear myself say, ooh, ya'll gon' head
I think I'm gonna kick it wit my girl today, kick it wit my girl today
I used to be commander and chief
Of my pimp ship flyin' high, flyin' high)
Til I met this pretty little missile that shot me out the sky
(Oh shot me out the sky)

Hey, now I'm crashing, don't know how it happened
But I know it feels so damn good
Said if I could back, and make it happen faster
Don't you know I would baby if I could
Miss Independent, ohh, to the fullest, the load never too much
She helpin' me pull it
She shot the bullet that ended that life
I swear to you the pimp in me just died tonight
Girl sometimes love

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

Tell me now can you make it past your Caspers
So we can finally fly off into NASA
You was always the cheerleader of my dreams that
Seem to only date the head of football teams
And I was the class clown that, always kept you laughin'

We, were never meant to be baby we just happen
So please, don't mess up the trick, hey young world I'm the new slick rick
They say I move too quick, but we can't let the moment pass us
Let the hourglass pass right into ashes

Let the wind blow the ash right before my glasses
So I wrote this love letter right before my classes
How could a goddess ask, someone that's only average
For advice, OMG, you listen to that b****?
Whoa, it's me, baby this is tragic
'Cause we had it, we was magic

I was flyin', now I'm crashin'
This is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson
Now I'm mad, real mad, Joe Jackson
You should leave your boyfriend now, I'mma ask him

Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So will u bring a better future than I had in the past
Oh Cause, I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don't wanna fall back on my face again
Whoa, whoa, I'll admit it, I was scared to answer love's call
Whoa, whoa, and if it hits better make it worth the fall
(When it comes around)

Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)
Sometimes love comes around
(Love comes around)
And it knocks you down
Just get back up
When it knocks you down
(Knocks you down)

Won't see it coming when it happens, hey
But when it happens you're gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down

Won't see it coming when it happens
But when it happens you're gonna feel it, let me tell you now
You see when love knocks you down
Yeah

I. LOVE. YOU.

Those three words are thrown around too often, with carelessness.
Don't say something you don't mean.
I don't need to be patronized, I don't want to be either.
I deserve something better than that, as I freely love,
deeply, fully, passionately, and fiercely.

I think that is fair to ask in return.

But if you do love someone, say it. don't wait. Why not now?



Who knows if tomorrow morning you will lose that person, or they will lose you?
You cant say you know what is in the future.

Save yourself the regret and pain of waiting.

Enough said.

The money you have invested in me is deeply appreciated-but it is not what I want. I want you to invest your time and your love in me. I wish I could say this to you, although I doubt you would really listen to the depth of those words.

I am sorry I fall short of what you want. But I can only be me, and I have to make me happy, because no matter what I do, you'll never be happy with what I do for you.

Although it hurts, it is going to heal. I want you here, but only if you WANT to be here, and be able to love and accept me as I am. Just support me, I am figuring life out.

Decisions, decisions....

I have decided I am going to be ok with being a hopeful romantic. It doesnt bother me anymore. Being in love with love, is fun. It is excting, invigorating.

Ih have decided that I am ok being single. That I am capable bein happy single. I actually enjoy being single.