I...

Speechless.

I am trying to clear the windows through which I veiw my life, it seems lately, the rain storms have fogged the glass enough to cause confusion.

I am not usually this way, this is not who I want to be, nor who I am meant to be, so I must change. And change now.

I dont know where to begin.

School, it is overwhelming, I am falling behind. I either sleep too much, and miss doing the homework I need to do; or I sleep so little I cant function. Either way, its ruining my goals-I want to go to BYU for school, I want to be a psycologist, but it feels like heaven and earth are combining up against me to stop me...or is it just hell. Heaven is my aid. My teachers are noticing...and so am I.

I dont like providing excuses, I believe in taking responsibility for what happens, both the good and the bad, although, taking the credit for something good is harder than taking the blame for something less good, actually, it is easy for me to accept that I am the one at fault, and I will admit, at times I may not be...but I find a way to connect myself to things, and the guilt sets in. But you know why I do provide explainations? Because this is life. It isnt picture perfect.

I dont like saying I am depressed, it makes me feel like I am having a pity party and starved for attention. I dont want to seem needy...or like I need people to listen to me, and I am self important...But I am not. I can usually deal, but most recently, it seems like it only rains on me...even when I am aware of my friends situations and I know there are worse things out there. I am always trying to be positive, its how I want to be, and I can usually get there, but right now, I feel fake...the smiles I have to reach deep down and force out, its like a tug of war game. But I cannot control the physical chemicals that my body does or doesnt produce.

So what? I am crying more than usual. Its part of the disorder. I have higher anxiety-I am dealing with it the best I can.

I hate that I feel like I havent been a good friend to people, and that I am selfish. i hate that my family relationships are failing, I am just not happy with where I am now. Time for change.

I feel like all my friends are leaving, and I am scared. I love the people in my life, it is very easy for me to love you. Once I do, I dont want to be left, abandoned....I dont stop loving people. I dont - cant, let go. Its just who I am so take it or leave it. They all have their own lives to live, and their so special to me. Maybe i just dont want to be forgetten and replaced? Maybe I am selfish. Their all going on missions, getting married, graduating from school-so much is changing.

So, I am trying something new. This summer, I maybe moving to Mississippi.

There is so much that is intimidating about this to me, although I do love adventure, and need to be out, on my own...i need this life expereience...
I love the people I have now, I love being around them, spending time with them, but I dont depend on people anymore-i dont think I can take the let downs anymore, my box is too full...All i can say is God is going to take care of me. I know that.

I am independant, and I am pursuing my own source of happiness. I worry I wont be strong enough for so many things, life. So, right now I am just taking one day, one step at a time. I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. Because, it is hard to feel alive and pain is the only reminder I have for now.

If you care, like I hope you do, stick around. Please.
I promise, I am going to change this, I am going to make the best of what I have...i am going to be better. I am going to smile, when I think I cant. I am going to be strong when i feel like the last ounce of strength I have is spent, and will thank those who have helped me carry my burden. My life is going to be hectic for a small season, but when you are truely loved, and truely a good person, you have to deal with truely difficult things...the only way to grow.