How many woman unknownly relate

A friend of mine posted this from a friend of hers- and I fell in love with it- as it reflects everything my mind is wrapped around."Why do love levels rarely seem to match? Why do we want the ones we can't have? And why don't we want the ones who want us? Why does one want, while the other pushes away? It's because we like the erotic dance of the chase. You do, and I do, which is ultimately silly, because strongly - loudly even - I've proclaimed, "I don't play games!" But we all do, to some degree. Men have wanted me; I've sidestepped, dodged, and squirmed away. Meanwhile, I have longed for a soul or two and have been put aside to face my aloneness while their lives have gone on. Why can't two good people just find each other and get on with life? I want to find something real, something of substance, something I can depend on. I'm desperately trying to be open, but terrified to be vulnerable. But all this online stuff too is all a game, and there's a fine line between stalking and adoring, but I'm only guilty of one.
I’m not looking for a perfect man, but I am looking for someone who is perfect for me. I am not going to settle and neither should anyone else. I'd much rather stay single than to settle and get married just to end the loneliness of being by myself. I still believe that marriage is sacred. I think many people forget that. It's not only about the passion, romance, fun, and frills. It's about foraging our way through the tangles and vines of a messy, growing, lush, beautiful life - together! It's about getting through it. Climbing on top of it, and working our way around it and through it all to ultimately end up next to the one we chose in the beginning. Far too many people give up on marriage when things aren't bliss. I plan on choosing wisely in the first place, and I plan on hanging in there with tough nails and gritted teeth, if necessary. I believe that it is worth fighting for.So what exactly am I looking for?…. Well…I want to find someone who really wants to make a life with me, someone who can handle how much love I have to show him and to give him. (I'm a devoted, loving creature, just to warn you.) I want someone who's confident, outspoken, has original thoughts and can express his ideas well. I don't need money or things. I need kisses and commitment! Struggling doesn't scare me at all; most of my life has been difficult, but I choose to still smile.I'd love to talk to an intelligent man who's wit and sarcasm sometimes makes my nose scrunch up because he's so weird that I have to work to fully "get him". I need someone who stretches me. I dig entrepreneurs, thinkers, inventive and creative minds. What he does isn't so important to me, just that he's passionate about really truly living life.So if you can……Hold my hand always when we're together anywhere. Give me the security of knowing that the man I'm with is proud to be with me and not ashamed to show it. Drag me outside in the pouring rain and make out with me. Create a moment worth remembering.Stay home with me on a quiet Friday night. Please read books to me in the kitchen as I fix dinner. Watch a movie with me under the same blanket.Make me laugh often and hard until my belly hurts. Sing to me a random moments, whisper sweet things in my ear, make me smile and blush.Travel with me. Pack my bags and take me somewhere, take me to a new place to explore, even if it's the next town over (if we're poor). Go to the store with me and be silly while we’re there. Call home at mid-day, just to say hi or to tell me something funny. Let me pull pranks on you. Pull some on me! Write me love notes. Photograph me, when I'm not posing for the camera. Give me a pet name. Let me spoil you, but don't take me for granted. Bathe with me in the big bubble tub. Adore me when I don't know you're watching. Wake me up to kiss me at midnight on New Years if I happen to fall asleep.Be dependable. Be sensitive. Go beyond your duty. Have integrity. Honor the promises we make together. Be a good dad, son, husband and brother. Kiss our babies. Let me take care of our house for you. Let me keep the laundry clean, but pinch my bum when I vacuum. And please would you mow the lawn for me.Let me be real, let me be faulty. Tell me where I can improve. Be gentle when reprimanding me. Be soft, be tough, and be careful not to squish my feelings. Don’t swear at me. Don't yell at me. Put me in my place if that's what's needed. Playfully throw a soft pillow at me when I act dumb, call me on my stuff when I'm being stupid or irrational, but respect me. Make me respect you. Never belittle me out of cruelty. Be aggressive when you need to be, but be patient. Don't brush me off. Don't push me away. I'll let you be you. Let me be me. I'll improve myself. Improve yourself. Please always forgive me, and pray for me.Show yourself to me. Teach me something about your passions. Let me teach you something about what I love. Depend on me when you don't feel strong. Ask for my help, and for my opinion. Confide in me. Look me in the eyes and reconnect with me if things get hard. Be emotional if you feel it. If you don't, let me know you love me in other ways. Never be afraid to say "I love you" EVER!Build with me. Work with me. If you’re getting pudgy, work out with me (I'll reward you handsomely.) . When we argue, be open and willing to talk and really figure out the issues, solve the problems not ignore them, even though I maybe intensely stubborn, we'll work through it, whatever it is. Don't sleep on the couch without me - let's make up!Let me wear your shirts to bed (or not) J Tell me I'm beautiful but not too often that it sounds insincere. Gently move the hair away from my eyes so I can feel your tender touch and then kiss me. Tuck me in at night, hold me, while I fall asleep laying on your chest. Lullaby me, wish with me, and dream with me. Please make me feel taken care of, protected and safe.Love my body - its womanly form, scent, taste and feel, and please be expressive in language and in touch. Kiss ME - not just my lips. Touch ME - not just my body. Crave me, want me, miss me, think about me, reach for me, chase me, catch me. Talk saucy to me. Tease me. Be bold, salty and edgy. Be robust and drinkable, let me take you in and savor you sip by sip. Let me please you. Lay on my chest or lap when we talk or in quiet moments after making love. Let me touch you.And...I'll love you fiercely.You will never doubt my love, because you'll have it and you will know it.”

A jumble of my 60,000 thoughts, and this is only a handful!

I have been wanting to talk about many things, as I have been beyond busy, I have gone in debt with my time. So I want to hit these points rather quickly as that is all my time will permit.

Myspace/facebook: A social calamity. Why is it that people who really are not your friends still like to have your face inside a little box? I for one do not like being patronized, and I will not be just "another number". This is the epitome of ego.

Boys: As for me, I feel like I have closed that chapter of my life. I am done looking. My love needs to come find me! Yes it may be out of the selfishness of my heart, yet I find that it does me much better as it was previously driving me crazy to notice that I was lacking while others were enjoying that which was so abundant.

Family and friends: They are so special to me. As the painful reminder of just how delicate the veil is, I want to hold on to those close to me, even tighter. However, I find it difficult as many are beyond my touch.

Sobriety: As mine nears 3 months, I find it getting a little more difficult as it was before. However I find it more imperative to abstain from such behavior as I would quickly sink back to into the slum, and my heart would stop beating there.

Yes VS. No, where to draw the invisable line?

When we are little we are taught to stop saying "no", at times, maybe even punished. Why is it so difficult for people to say "no" to things that their not happy with? One must learn the importance of saying no, otherwise people will take you for granted (I believe it is OK to take advantage of someone, as it gives them the feeling of being needed, something we all long for).

We must also learn to say yes. Yes to life, and the beauties, splendors, and joys it brings to us. Why do we hide and deny our self the good things in life?

The instances where we say yes or no, are usually opposite, let me explain.

A girl who has boyfriend A, doesn't feel like he deserves her, that he isn't treating her the way she deserves to be treated, so she says no to the relationship, (or talks it out and sees if it'll work out through change).

That same girl has left boyfriend A and moves on to a boy she is highly interested in, and he in her. He has asked her to be his girlfriend, yet she feels inferior to him, that she doesn't deserve him. It would be in her best interest to be with him, as it would better her.

Pin pointing the fine line is next to impossible, as there are millions of millions of different scenarios and such. But I guess you will have to find which works best for you, but either way, just don't sell yourself short, after all, you were born to be more.

After a period of mourning, another shove...

They say that time heals everything. I don't believe that time can heal everything, as everything is an absolute, and time in all honesty cannot heal everything. But I believe it heals many things, maybe not to the full definition of heal, but it does a good job mending. But it is a double edged sword.

A broken heart can heal with time, although different things can hurt the heart, the ripple effect usually comes back. Or karma, because how you react is what your karma is, you can indeed hurt yourself. The heart which is continuously under siege, is also always in the process of healing. There are many layers to heart, especially that of a woman; too many times it is intimidating to peel back those layers and look inside, or to be the one on the inside letting others in.

I have recently revived a friendship. Taken the leap that most times I fear. My heart is fixing the pain of death and sorrow, but it will never forget it. I don't believe that God could be so cruel that he would leave us suffering, I believe that he is the one healing my heart, because after I have been stripped of pride and ego, I finally admitted that I couldn't do it all on my own. He still stands by me even when I am blinded through my own eyes.

Where do tears come from?

I am not looking for the "scientific answer", I know that one. The question goes deeper than that. When you seem to have cried all you have, and your eyes hurt and are red and swollen, and then come more tears, where are they coming from?
I despise having the heart of a woman, my heart is a bottomless pit, (which can go both ways, as it can be full of love, yet not full enough, or full of lonliness, hurt, despair...)
I will not deny that today my heart is black, the grief and sorrow are overwhelming to me, for if I did, I would be lying.

R.I.P. Tuesday, January 6th, 2009

Butterball, my little man, died this morning at 2:20AM, he has gone where I cant follow. I have stayed up all night, despite my lack of energy already and my heavy weighted eyelids. I hope I eased his passing. I hasn't even been over 30 minutes and I miss him already. He was a great comfort to me many times. And to see him suffer so, breaks my already broken heart. Maybe for selfish reasons I fought so fiercely to keep him here. I tried denying that he was dying, until the undeniable finally came as I watch him walk the fine line of a life here, and a life in the spiritual realm.

I told him I wouldn't ever give up on him. Hope seems to be an illusion. I am so far beyond exhaustion, I cannot bear to sleep. Death is bitter-sweet. Leaving family and friends behind, while, for the sufferer, it is sweet. I miss him so much-I want him back! There is no amount of crying or pleading that can do so. I prayed for a miracle, I wanted that miracle.

I cannot write no more, as the grief and sorrow of my heart is weighing this computer down too much as it might break the boards. It wanders if it is strong enough to pull though this.

Butter, I love you, I appreciate everything you have done for me, you will be missed.

Food for thought...

Ever wonder why people ask:
"Why does this always happen to me?"

Never when something is good, only when it is bad.
Now why is that, everything is always happening to you, to me, to us.
Yet we only pose the question to God when something "bad" is happening to us.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you get something good, when in all honesty, your undeserving?
Try asking God that question when something good happens.
Your awareness of your blessings will amaze you, right before your very eyes, the results will manifest themselves.

Did you chew and swallow that whole? Yum.

My begining of 2009, re-realization of the fragility of life

My little man, Butter (my kitty, who really is not so much a kitty as he is almost 7 years old now, but still my little baby), is sick. He almost died. I should have known about this, picked up the signs. My ignorance will haunt me for the years to come. We still don't know whats wrong with him, but I have been sitting up with him all night, drifting in and out sleep, leaving me half dead. I want the old him back. The question is, will I get it?

New Years Eve, we hospitalized him. New years day we were only permitted 2 visits. A baby cannot heal without love and attention. We brought him home last night. Still...

My heart is heavy with sorrow, but as my mother weeps quietly, I weep privately. I feel it is my calling to be strong, so that others may have burdens lightened. I will continue to spread myself thin as long as I can. But playing mother, on top of going back to school just might kill me. I don't know if I am strong enough to play this part. Please pray for me.

As I woke after a long, tiring first night of intensive care this morning, my family informed me that the dreaded, yet hoped for phone call from the doctor, had come. And so had the judgement. The prognosis: my baby has acute kidney failure.

He is dying.

The worst part of it all is, is that I could very much be the reason for this without even knowing I had played a part in it. I wonder how much harder it will be to sleep tonight. The cruelty of memory.

We have already put so much into keeping him alive. We have a chance at possibly starting his kidneys back up. Which will require 24/4 intensive care. And I will be the one to take care of him. At this point it is do or die. There is no turning back.

Oh how my heart aches because of my idiocy and stupidity. I feel his pain.

I wont give up on him. I will treat my baby as a little king everyday. I pray that as we invest more into him, that the new test results will be something positive. I pray that he begins to eat on his own. I want my little stud muffin to stay here, and be like how he was.

I wish he could talk, I would like to know what he is thinking. I wish I could speak his language. A conversation with those who are dying are quite meaningful and insightful.

I stay up with him, watch him constantly in the day, I am a servant to his every whim and need, all he need to do, is meow. His meow sounds full of pain, grief. It is hard watching him die. While I sit idly by and cannot do a thing. How awful. I cannot relieve his pain. I check on him every waking second. What will I do with myself when he is gone? Who can I talk to? He is irreplaceable. He may just be an animal, but he is my friend. And I will not give up on him. Not until I have exhausted every possible attempt, and then again. He has nursed my broken heart, I will nurse his hurting body.

Death is bitter. I do not know how much more of this my heart can take. How much sorrow can one heart deal with before it the strings finally snap, and the heart falls through the souls walls and breaks? Sometimes, I wish I could just have no strings so that it couldn't hurt.

There is much I could say about my little man, but words would never do him justice.