On the eve of a verdict.

Weather or not I want to hear it, I will.

As a child, when I was told not to look, as I would pretend, and slightly open my fingers with cracks big enough to let me see. If you don't want someone to pay attention to something, don't tell them not to look-you will cause curiosity.

I was the one who always liked to know what was going on. I have learned much of what I know in life from doing things the hard way.

Although I know I will be OK, as I have had my "revelations" as you might call them, trials, are none-the-less, hard.

I don't really know how to say what I feel, other than I am nervous. Tomorrow I will either be in need of comfort or celebration. Preferably the latter. But I cannot bring myself to be negative, as I am fully aware of the seriousness of my condition, but positivity is the most comfort I can give to myself, and the ones I love.

I will write as soon as I release all the emotions following my appointment.

Extrememly bored-bear with me.

So, you know those silly answer and question quizzes you get off facebook and myspace? I have never really gotten in with that, never really have liked them; woah, slow your mind, I am not converting here OK!! But give me a little breathing room, I am in need of the benefit of the doubt!! I am sick and bored [out of my mind is an understatement],

I remain "impaired"-the most I can do is walk down about 4 houses before I am tired again (all thanks to my malfunctioning brain, need I remind you-man to be able to take me down, my brain deserves a standing ovation *said most sarcastically*) *winks and rolls my eyes while scoffing* and watch TV, movies (and by now, I believe I am lucky to have a few brain cells left up there floating around).

I can read, I have to admit, quiet sparatically. Talk on the phone, text, surf the web, (pretend shopping is very amusing, I mean, it sucks in the end when you wish you could really touch the stuff you like and buy it, but since I have been out of work and my next 2 future paychecks are spent, I'm out of luck on this one-but considering the fact that I have angels on my side, and I am not dead, I guess that calls it even).

Listen to music (and with an inner ear infection, its a crazy weird sensation, I can feel the beats more than I am used to and, it makes me laugh, I didn't know someone could be ticklish in their ear, giving consideration, I am already very ticklish, that is unfair!!) ;)

I like visitors, however, I remember that everyone has a life [*cough* like I used to*], and are a little busy. So, when your not so busy, come play guitar hero, or something with me. Unfortunately I am pretty limited to activities, as my head is still spinning (which in a way amuses my mother because I walk around like I am drunk). Its a little disheartening as I cant drive-which is something I love to do, just drive off to nowhere, blaring the music is always a calming thing for me. Love to think by myself.


If I could drive, I think I might have gone and adopted another kitten this week (without telling my parents), I would have hidden it well as I have been the center of attention, which at first was nice, but now I gotta admit, because I cannot deny how annoying it is to always be in the spotlight, always someone watching (I guess it could just be for my good, since I walk funny, I might fall and trip since I am so clumsy now and then-being dizzy does not help the un-coordinated). Lucky for my parents, I cant drive. ;)

I try to keep the mood here light, humorous, as our family has spent a significant amount of time in the hospitals, especially these last 2 years-everyone already knows us, we call, they know our voices and this makes me laugh, we walk into the hospital, people greet us like were long lost friends. (Inside family jokes). Very funny.

So as I was talking early, I am going to do a kind of "get to know you post" full of those questions that you find randomly off facebook and myspace-if you know me, I have to tweak the questions, as I find many of them useless and meaningless.

1) Whats your favorite color?

Well, this seems to be the timeless question every quiz asks, so I figure I have to answer this one. It really depends on the day. (Right now I am pondering on what color to repaint my room as, and it is so-o hard!!) Because my favorite color changes with the day, unfortunately, I am very unstable on this, but watching me, you will learn very quickly how my moods work.

Most often my favorite color is yellow-this one means I am feeling super duper amazing, happy.
I do love blue, beautiful color. I like this one when I am feeling my best physically. Matches my eyes, which I noted a few weeks back (since my eyes change colors far too often these days) that when my eyes are blue, that is when I am supremely satisfied with life, hormonally. Although I can feel those same feelings and my eyes can be green or grey, blue is a great indicator of my happiness. If I could only make them stay that way!! When I was a baby, I was born with blue eyes, I plan on leaving with them that way too!! My favorite color.

Green, on the rare occasion, I am feeling adventurous and rambunctious.
Red, power day-high energy.
White, peaceful, contemplative, introspection.
Orange, well, plan to go partying on this day-and having a blast!!
Pink, once in a blue moon, it is so overdue, ladies night most definitely.
Purple, upbeat, on the ball.
Black, time to kick it with the boys, bring on the video games and time to train mma baby ;)

Well if life were easily defined by color, I would have it all figured out haha.

2) What are you afraid of?

A few things,

I am not afraid of ruining my body fighting, but I am scared of the dark. Wow.
I am afraid of losing the people I love-enough said.
I am afraid of being alone. Kind of goes along with # 2.

3) Who are your best friend(s)?

Well, I personally don't believe in having a thousand best friends. I have my best friend, and those who are pretty close. Then I have the outer circle, because everyone deserves and needs a friend (yes, you can hear me speaking from experiences), and then just the friendly acquaintances.

Shaina, she is like my big sister. There are never going to be words sufficient to describe how much I adore her. Kelsey, my second closest friend. Heather and Ali and Sadies, all my girls I have them in my heart, too bad I stole them all, no will find them as I hold them captive (yes I am perfectly imagining your faces and reactions to that sentence, I expect a few calls and texts soon regaurding that statement haha.)

My friendship is easily earned, maintaining it a bit harder. Trust is not easily earned, although you will receive my honesty. To be considered as Shaina, takes alot of work. Simple work-as defined by Shaina. She tells me I am too easily pleased. I let people in, but I really don't like to lose things I find and like. ;)

4) Family:

My papa, alright, you all know I am daddy's girl. By far. But I do love my mom. My two younger brothers, I look up to, I am currently in first place, although I fear I will quickly be passed up, height wise, and literally will be looking up to them. I have my dog, half Rot and half German Shep. I have 3 cats. And then I add Shaina in, just for some flavor ;) kidding.

I have always wanted a bigger brother, for several reasons. (One being, I would cease to be the child that is guinea pig tested on). We also have hundreds of exchange students I consider family. My favorite (shhhhuuuuussh!! Its our secret) Tito!! My "chocolate brother" again, inside jokes-man!! You guys are missing out!! I am enjoying this more than I thought!! ;)

5) Pet peeves...

Well I really hate being hairy. I love having smooth skin. I hate not having clean, white, fresh teeth, a 20 G' smile wont be wasted, I might lose some teeth fighting, but hey! Those can be replaced ;) I will grow old everyday anyways ;) I HATE, despise stinking. I am OCD, paranoid about this, my boss jokes as I am the "office air freshener". I enjoy this title.

I also hate finding nasty things in my food. I don't like food touching, well, to a point. Like today my mom made toast with eggs on it, then put a [yummy] orange on the same plate, which meant I was having soggy orange toast (which is supposed to be crunchy and warm...).

And I like clean toilets, bathrooms. Otherwise, I am a happy camper.

6) Dressing/clothes:

OK. So, don't laugh. Underwear clothing is first of course-I am normal, I don't wear my bra and panties outside of my clothing ;) However, I don't like getting dressed until I am done with hair and make up as I don't own a hair thing, you know a sticky roll (thanks to my brain I cant think!! Oh wait-on the tip of my tongue...lint roller!!) I probably should get one, considering I have animals everywhere. Anyways, then my right sock then left, pants and shirt(s)-layering occurs frequently in Utah since we spend a majority of our only 2 seasons winter and summer, in cold freezing weather.

I dress comfortably, what fits me. My mood. My style. I think if you find something that works for you, your attitude can make anything look good (in most cases-that was not a definite answer for anyone). The number on the tag doesn't matter, nor the name. I have moved through my 90's style to skater to gangsta' to now, just me. Defined by a friend: "you dress like a woman". I cant but help laugh at my phases. Oh well.

7) Music!!

Alright, well I am a music fanatic. (Too bad I cant dance and sing as well as much as I like music!!) I currently have 955 songs on my Ipod ranging from a few, seriously I could count the country songs on my Ipod with just my 2 hands, to hip hop, rap, rock, classic, pop - everything. I really love the 80's. To give a taste, I will list a few artists:

Robert Pattinson, Rise Against, Augustana, Beyonce', Bob Marley, Fergie, The Fray, Lady GaGa, Leona Lewis, Marie Digby, Paramore, Rihanna, Shiny Toy Guns-yeah-a good mix I think.

I will admit, I drive (when I actually can) I love turning up the music, zoning out the world tuning into my music and singing my lungs out-quite entertaining for the public I am sure. I wonder if I have ever been recorded on that TV show where they secretly recorded people then in the end told them they were "pranked" and had been recorded. I think I might have been, but, they just didn't tell, me-not that I need a bigger audience seeing as people who work in SLC like me have seen me walking to the Gateway telling me I am a funny driver-ooops ;)

8) Movies

Well, I am a sucker for those romance movies, however, I really hate myself after, seeing as I am in love with being in love, and my lacking of a man; romance movies are most definitely the certain of all genre of movies to be double edged. I don't really like scary movies. Honestly, I am petrified, and tend to hide under the covers and cover my eyes, because once I look I am interested, and then I regret it the as soon as night falls. I love action, anything that deals with fighting-woot! I am so down and in for it!! I am a kid at heart, I have a few classics tucked away.

My favorites, are... Pride the Pregiduce, Never Back Down, Step Up (ohhhh I wish I could dance like that), Twilight (of course, when your dragged by your girlfriends to the movies, the estrogen swoons together over the character a WOMAN made up to make bank *sarcastically noted*). The Incrediables, Finding Nemo, and oldies like the Little Mermaid, Swan Princess...yes, go ahead laugh, I am sure I am entertaining.

9) You get 3 wishes, what are you using them for?

My first would be able to sit with my all my friends and family, be surrounded by all of them, for a day (OK, a week seems more appeasing), both dead and living. I would really love to sit and talk with them, especially my grandpapa. I tend to miss him more than what I should, and its been 8 years now.

Secondly, I would want to be able to cure people. Actually CURE them. If people were not in pain, they would be able to do things, and everyone would function at a higher level, truly living their lives - but then, I don't blame God for making people sick occasionally, we all need those miracles and wake up calls, there always has to be opposition.

Third, I wish everyone could see life perspectively, no judging other for physical appearance (despite the weird things that happen to everyone, like me!! A devils smiley face scarred onto my left knee, with a malfunctioning brain!!); that love would never end, that we would say things we never even dreamt of saying, that there really is more good in this beautiful world than most give credit for, that everyone would have a friend-stuff like that.

10) What do you want to be "when you grow up"?

Well, considering that I am nearly 20, and still playing in parks, I don't think I will ever "grow up".



I most definitely love the Arts, I want to be a fashion designer.

I also want to be a lawyer-I enjoy doing things with law.


I want to go to the moon, travel the world.

I want to play the piano.

I want to play part in a miracle.


Publish a book, preferably my biography.

Get married, have a family.

I want to fight, and obtain the title at least once in my life, the most amazing woman fighter.

*(Refer to a 150 something long list to see some of my life goals, in a previous post, a couple months back I think.)*


11) Love:


I believe love is simple. Being human, we tend to overwhelm, complicate or overreact when we dont need to. I think I am done looking for now, its rather frustrating at times to look and not see it. When love is ready to be found, I am sure it will hit me rather hard. I prefer to take my time, but when I love, I love deep, and not as slow as I would like, and it seemingly takes forever to get over it. I have a few crushes here and there, again, the word crush was intended. But life keeps me preoccupied, work, school, friends and all the stuff in between, not that I wouldnt mind slowing a bit down for love. ;) Love is beautiful, it changes lives. Love is always "there".



Those have to be the most basic I believe... Now time to copy and post!!


If you could have any super power what would it be?
I most definately would be invisable!!
What do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Tehe, this is most definately a long discussion. Physically, I love eyes and smiles-oh goodness, kill me. Once the selfish part of me rears its head, body-wise, I love the broader shoulders, nice definition, not bulky though. Has to be taller-about 6' - I find this very attractive. I love to see a jaw line. OK, I am definately moving on before I sound shallow.
Attributes, I love driven men. Business minded, that dress that way, big turn on. I love sincerity, genuine attention. Affection-of course simple things can make my heart pitter patter...definately done with the question, as I find my self thinking way too hard (it hurts my brain...good excuse right?)
If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Visiting wise, I simply cannot resist Brasil. I would love to go to NYC, Paris, Italy...oh my.
Which would you rather have-true love, or 100 million dollars?
Absolutely and most resolutely, most definately TRUE LOVE.
If money were not an object, what would you do with your life?
Love. Serve. Spread beauty. Live. Play. Make the world better. Did I mention love? ;)
Choose between having a rich husband, who is gone alot, or a husband who is poor and home alot:
Thats an easy one (it makes sense in my mind, I will try to explain). I would have to choose the rich husband-now, now, continue reading, Im not that shallow. I promise. Ok, I have no problems with infedelity. I am one of the most faithful people you will ever meet, especially in my love life. I would choose the rich one so I could provide for my children, and my family. And if he is gone alot, I wouldnt mind flying, driving, taking trains to see him. I am sure we would be fine, I deal with distance fairly well. I can handle phone calls, texts, chatting on the web camera. I can do that.
What is the weirdest thing you will ever admit to having done in the past?
Haha, GOOD question, lol. I am really...different. "Puking" is a very fun past time. Glow sticking...um haha, theres alot more, too fun. No regrets.
What were you like when you were a kid?
Quiet, fun loving...innocent and naive.
What last made you laugh?
Memories, many. :) Most recent, I have to say, was when me and my best friend were already dressed for a wedding reception, and remembered we needed to shave so we both ran to the bath tub, me on the toilet, Shaina on the back of the tub, her skirt getting wet, me almost spraying her with the shower head, her almost slipping and mewiping shaving creame everywhere dying in laughter...what a GRAND memory.
What do you do for school and work?
School, currently in downtown SLC, going to school for my business transfer degree, so I can transfer to fashion school (crossing my fingers!!)
Work, again, downtown SLC, I work for a law office as a criminal paralegal.
Have any nick names?
My My - Heather
Myrda - Shaina
Myrd - Meg's
Sis - my family
Myr-myr - old home ward
Myranda Panda - my mom
What is/was your worst subject in school?
By far MATH :( Reading, English, Art are my strongest points.
Do you currently play any sports? If so, what?
MMA, I like football and basketball.
Do you like to dance?
Sure do, alone. To avoid embarressment, haha kidding. When Im out, its the simple Will Smith white style 1, 2 step. Although I do look forward to some dancing lessons. I can slow dance however, my grandpapa taught me, and I really love dancing. A talent I envy!!
Do people tell you that you act older, younger, or your age?
I am told I look (oldest 23) I usually get 21ish. I act, well, like a mature kid, haha with the park and amusment with simple things-I tend to have my "playful days".
Ever been in a physical fight? If yes how many and who were they with?
Yes, I fight MMA-but outside, I defended my brothers twice, once, I fought with a swarm of Poly's and then 2 boys. Again, I won.
Have you ever cheated in a relationship?
NEVER. I am too loyal, speaking from experiences.
Name 8 of the most important things in your life?
Family, God, Friends, Health, Me, Education, Money, Fun (order not numbered to importance)
Are you a touchy feely person?
Sure am, infact, I have been told I dont belong in America, as I have been given awards for being the bestest hugger-I freaking love hugs!!
Do you take showers in the morning or at night more?
Well, I usually take morning, sometimes I shower twice a day, depending on whats been going on, night showers make me sleep better.
Ever had surgery? If yes, for what reason?
Yep, tore my ACL August 3rd, 2007, had my surgery August 17th, 2007. Almost my 2 year mark.
Ever come close to death?
Yep, and watched it. I used to think it was funny to call 911, now I cringe at the thought of having to dial.
Ever broken any bones?
Pssssh, yeah. My right arm, foot too.
Do you play any instruments? If so, what?
Oh I wish!! Piano, guitar, drums...that would be incrediable!!
Have you been told you can sing well more than once?
Yes, although I find that hard to believe. haha. Shy I guess...?
3 physical features you get complimented on a lot?
Eyes, smile, dimples
Ever been cheated on?
Once too many times. Every relationship, with the exception of one.
Have you ever been in a car accident or seen one?
I have seen so many, are you kidding?! And yes, I have been in 5, all none due to my fault, however, I beg to differ on the definition. They were not "car accidents", rather car crashes.
Till what age would you like to live and why?
I want my lover with me of course, I want to live to be about 100 something and then do something to break a world record being old-that would be a blast!!
Have you ever crawled through a window?
Crawled-no. Snuck out yes, good times, me and my girl cousins (8 of us are my age) were having the usual slumber party, and we snuck out, egged WalMart, toilet papered the house a couple miles down the street that looked like the house from the movie the Ring. I am so totally incriminating myself here. haha oh well!! ;)
Do you have a recurring dream? What happens in it?
I do!! It has only happened twice, but I see my 4 kids (future). Makes me a tad jealous.
What's the bravest thing you've ever done?
Thats a private victory.
What's the biggest personal change you've ever made?
Again, private. Sorry. You will have to personally ask me that one.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Um, yes and no-too often I believe the word properly substituted is lust.
Do you believe in soul mates?
In a way, I believe we all have several soul mates, its up to us to choose the one we want to live with for eternity, and trust me, these words bear a great importance with them.
Is there a secret you've never told anyone?
No.
Do you like yourself?
Yes, of course. Perfection is not done in a day-if it were that easy, someone would have already found how to get there. Everyone is a masterpiece in the making.
Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yes, since I was 12. I like to color instead of cut. But my natural is almost dark brownish red.
Are you an emotional person?
Surely. I am a woman. Real, human. I dont like to cry in front of people, if thats what the question is refering to...
What's something that can always make you feel better?
A good, strong hug.
Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you?
Not just one, several, lost count. I have been called everything in the book to my face and behind. However, last year, I learned a trick I wish I had learned a looooong time ago. :)
Do you think that you’re a good person?
Yes, I struggle inwardly-but who doesnt? But I do believe I am good, again, perfection is an eternal progress.
Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I am happily single now. And will be happily taken in the future, although I would prefer to be taken ;)
What do you enjoy doing?
Lots, talk with me. :)
What do you notice first about a guy?
Eyes, smile, personality.
What do you notice first about a girl?
Well, I am not into girls but I first notice face and clothes.
Explain why you last threw up?
Well, I am not really up for repeating the long story, refer to my last post before this one.
Where did your last hug take place?
Right here, as I sit on my computer-with my mom!! It was nice.
Who was the last person to hold your hand?
My mom, as I walked tonight, I still walk pretty unbalenced. haha.
Do you chew on your straws?
No, I hate that feeling-just thinking about it. Just like scratching nails on a chalk board.
Who was the last person you rode in the car with that was under 21?
I like to be the driver-not for control reasons. I just trust myself, I give people too little credit, but then again, its my life. I have to say, it was Ali!!
The highlight of your week?
Shaina called me!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!
What really makes you mad?
It really takes alot (trust me, Tim tried throwing bread in my hair-epic failure, sorry Timmy!!) And I dont feel like devulging my inner secrets of how to push my buttons, I really dont get mad, more so, hurt.
Ever toilet papered someone’s house?
Yep, many times, many people-and much more. All in good fun!!
Do you want to be married right now?
Despite the feeling I feel, being left out as the rest of my friends are all walking down the asile right after the other, and are having children, even those younger than I, I can wait a couple years or so.
Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Oh gosh, I wish. Another I want to try is in the rain!!
Do you wish someone would call you?
Sure do!!
Are you usually the heart breaker or the heart broken?
Unfortunately I am the broken hearted. If I ever turn into the heart breaker, I know God knows how to mend the hearts he made.
Which is the last song to make you cry?
P. Diddy, Missing you.
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yeah, a few times.
What do you miss more than anything right now?
More like who-people mean more to me than objects. Shaina and my grandpapa especially right now.
Do you give out second chances too easily?
I have been told I am too giving, too forgiving and naive.
When was the last time you saw your grandparents?
My moms parents I have never met, her mom died before I was born, and even my mom hasnt met her dad. On my dads side, I saw my grandpapa about a week before he died on January 9th, 2001 and I dont remember any other time besides the funeral that I saw my grandma before she died March 13th, 2002.
How many speeding tickets have you recieved?
One, on graduation, 58 in a 35. I was in hurry, seriously. That was my first and [hopefully] last. ;)
Have you ever truly been in love?
I believe once.
Who was the last person you said "I love you" to?
Those words are thrown around too much these days, I only tell people I love it when I mean it. I think the last person I said it too was my friend Lily.
What do you have on your bedroom walls?
Hand written quotes, thoughts, pictures, drawn designs, mirriors, more pictures, inspiration pictures and dream boards.
Do you keep a journal?
Yes, I do.
About how many friends from high school do you still talk to?
A few, I had a couple hundred that quickly narrowed once summer fever hit. But I dont care for quantity, only quality.
Are you a lover or a fighter?
Cheesy but I can deal: "I fight for what I love, and I love to fight"
What cologne/perfume do you wear?
Victoria's Secret Dream by Angels and Heavenly Bloom
What size bed do you have in your room?
Queen canopy
How long was your longest relationship?Why did it end?
8 Months, he cheated. Enough said.
Are you outgoing or do you keep to yourself most of the time?
Well I am shy at first, but once I break my shell, I am very outgoing. I know my proper place.
Do you smile with your teeth when getting your picture taken?
Sure do!!
What is your main ring tone on your phone?
Ring tone - She is love, Parachute or Beyonce' Halo (cant remember)
Text - Never think, Robert Pattinson
When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A vet
About how many pairs of jeans do you own?
One...? Yeah, I know. One.
Do you like short or long hair on someone of the opposite sex?
Short, but long enough to be styled.
Do you consider yourself to be religious?
Sort of, yes and no. Complicated, talk to me.
Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
One too many times.
Did you ever wear braces?
Yep :0 Nerdy 12 year old, I have had my teeth worked on since I was 11. But I got me a nice pair of pearly whites!!
Are you artistic and creative?
Yes, sometimes I think too much.
What kind of mood are you in right now?
Sleeeeeepy.
What time is it?
Currently 9:41PM
Last phone call?
My mom, this afternoon.
Text?
Recieved: Teresa
Sent: Daniel
How do you reduce stress?
Cry, fight/train. Drive.
Do you swear?
Occassionally, but I dont like to, I dont think it sounds classy for a lady. Or respectful.
Do you like thunderstorms?
LOVE them. The smell after, reminds me of my grandpapa.
Is the glass half empty or half full?
Half full. (Of Apple Juice that I am craving like crazy-only thing that actually tasted good in the hospital) ;)
Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Hahah, yes. Besides, I am old fashion, guys should pursue the woman first. Although, if its friendly, I dont mind asking.
Hugs or Kisses?
I choose BOTH.
Chocolate or Vanilla?
Vanilla!!
Favorite flower?
I love all them!! Roses are nice, daisies too. Oh, I love flowers.
Have you ever fired a gun?
Airsoft wars count right?!
Right handed or left handed?
Right
How many pillows do you sleep with?
I believe 8...
What five things will you always find on you?
Cell phone, keys, chapstick, perfume, gum.
Ever been on stage?
Lots, dancing and fighting.
What's something you couldn't live without and why?
People.
What family member do you wish you knew better?
My grandma
What experience has changed your outlook on life?
I have had ALOT of those, again, ask me as the answer is REALLY long, plus I like discussing things like this.
What do you love most about your family? Why?
I love how they are all so kind and sticky-never leaving me.
What in life are you most proud of?
I am not so materialistic. I have to really think about this...ask me another time after I have had time to really think.
Who's your most loyal friend?
Shaina
Would you want to be famous? For what?
No, but if yes, for changing the world for better, even a little.
What's your biggest accomplishment?
Not dropping out of high school after I tore my ACL senior year.
What's your earliest childhood memory?
1993, we had 3 feet of snow, my papa had to carefully climb on top of our house and shuvel it off.
What's a life lesson you learned the hard way?
To appreciate what you have NOW, and to make NOW better, instead of wishing.
What's one thing in past like to change?
Nothing.
What's your favorite thing about yourself?
That I am a really good, devoted, caring, loyal friend.
Do you believe in Karma?
YES
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
YES, most definately
What would you say your biggest fear is when it comes to relationships?
Losing them, in every way.
What is your idea of a romantic date?
I dont really mind as long as I am with who I like, simplicity is key. Bon fires, talking, playing and having fun-enjoying each other, literally. If its going to be romatic, its just the two of us.
Loose your sight or sense of hearing?
Considering that I have the chance of going blind already and have had a small taste, I most definately couldnt deal with losing either. I would find a way!!

So, thanks for sticking around while I typed my boredom away, I am tired now. I will still keep you all posted with my broken brain, tehe. A 19 year old with a dysfunctional brain, man I am so going to break records!! ;)

Life-sums that up pretty much, although I like to believe life should bear a sweeter sound.

So, to bring everyone up to date here's the story.

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

I am at work, and out of no where I start to get dizzy;

10:00AM "hmmmm, maybe I just need some water and food-yeah, then I will turn my fan towards me to keep me cool, the office is a little warm today".

11:00AM "ewwww. My tummy hurts, and I am still dizzy...should I take a half day? I need the money...but I really don't feel good....fine-I will go ask Jan."

I got the OK, headed out to my car, and started driving home. I texted my mom, trying not to over exaggerate so I didn't scare my mom, she does tend to "over-react" at times and I am a woman now, I can hold my own. I can do this. She writes back "Why...?"

I blamed the new law, and made a quick excuse, "driving."

I rolled the windows down, turned the heat on, as the rain was coming down and I am always cold; blasted the music and tried to keep my calm. Its only a 20 minute drive from my house to work, if I follow the law, I usually make it in 15, sometimes 10. ;) But that's just between us.

I come in the house, and clumsily walk down stairs to fall on the bed. "Maybe I got food poisoning...it will pass in a day". My mom walks in the house, "dang it, I really just want to sleep, get this over with, I really don't want to tell her, she will kill me knowing I drove home like this". I told my mom I was a little dizzy and felt sick. She bought it, until later that night.

My head was pounding, the migraine was in my eye, pressure seemed to relieve it as best as it couldn't, cold water made the dizziness slow down, and my head hurt less. I begged and begged for a blizzard from D.Q.-wow, they didn't taste as good as I hoped and remembered, but it still calmed me a little, and made everything a little easier to handle.

I didn't get up except once to answer the door to a friend (as I was home alone and my mom had forgotten that I had told her I had a friend coming over), during which I was dizzy as ever, and started to regret eating that blizzard. I stumbled downstairs and we chatted a little here, a little there. Ordered pizza, of course by now, I didn't dare even lick it. I kept my distance and we watched Ferngally. I asked for the garbage can, "you gotta be kidding me!!" he said sarcastically yet still seriously. Soon he left after joking about how I had the swine flu and would be quarantined soon.

I held still the rest of the night. Any movement, sound, touch, slight tilt of my head, someone brushing the bed, I hated the light, especially-I felt sick. Here came the first of the wave of 20 + times of throwing up. Well, I was glad it wasn't chunks, but rather a milky texture, didn't taste so bad, after all, ice cream isn't acidic and it tastes good when its going down.

Relief, only momentarily. Curled in a ball, still dizzy as ever, it was getting worse. Everything was spinning. Now, to give a little example. Go sit in a chair, spin straight for 8 hours, stop. Times that feeling by 50. That's how I felt. Disgusting yes, I know right. *Tilt*, ohhhhh here it comes again, this time, not so much the ice cream...And 15 minutes later, again, now I was throwing up nothing. just my stomach acid.

This continued until later around 10:00PM. I woke again at 2:00AM, it was worse. The thought slipped into my mind-hospitalization...."no, no I cant be hospitalized, its a bug, its food poisoning...something. Maybe swine flu...but wheres the fever??" I called my papa in, threw up again. My papa went back into his room. I couldn't help but cry. It was a living hell. My brain began to kick me for crying. It hurt, I quickly stopped as a result and started breathing heavy. By this time, my mom and papa had come into the room; a fathers blessing quickly administered as I requested. My mom went to the computer to google my symptoms. My mom could be a dictionary I swear. Still nothing. Another time throwing up. I struggled to sleep, yet found relief in doing so.

Thursday, June 11th 2009

That day was a blur. Back to the experiment I gave earlier, spinning in the chair, well now do this, spin for 24 hours, and times that feeling by 100. I hadn't moved in over 24 hours, throwing up anytime I opened my eyes. I was now throwing up anything and everything my stomach could find to produce. I started breathing heavily to help control pain, sickness, dizziness.

As my mom will tell you, my eyes glossed over, a sign I was severely dehydrated. She was worried, which I will forever be grateful for. I held my head, trying to convince myself I was still, but all failed attempts. My mom rushed to find neighbors to help me to the hospital, it seems that many were "too busy" to help, and my father was taking too long to get off work.

The dreaded call 911. I used to think it was funny to call that number when I was a child, got a thrill out of it, I did it when I was baby even. Now I hate, despise even pondering the thought. Soon the paramedics were at my house, I covered my face in the blanket, I was sweating. I hated the light-it hurt so bad. I have never hated the light. I actually love it. I don't like the dark. Silly, I am afraid of the dark, but not now. Dark was comfort, easement. They took my vitals, and of course, whispers are never a good sign.

I don't remember much, my mom says that there were 8 men there just staring at me...wow. In my right mind, I would have died in embarrassment for the way I looked, (probably smelt too). The man taking my vitals offered to take me in the ambulance.

Insurance is greedy. I despise them. I knew they wouldn't cover this. When my papa almost died, they fought to pay his. I opted to take my car and have my mother drive. I was so tired and weak from throwing up.

Nearly in tears now, choking on them I let out a small whisper "I don't want to move. I don't want to throw up." Well the man smirked, "if you throw up, you throw up. You gotta move." Yeah, easy for him to say. Not needing to say, I thought that was pretty insensitive.

I find it funny, no one is busy when they see an ambulance parked in front of your house, I had an audience. How humiliating. I slowly gathered the strength and tenacity to get up. Everything spun. I will NEVER in my life understand why people like to be drunk. The men carried me at first as I quickly stumbled supporting myself on the walls, doors. Sat in my car, "oh man, here it comes again...." My mom soon was driving. Again. And again. And again....

My mom told me that the paramedics said I needed to get to the nearest hospital ASAP, and that I was the worst person they had ever seen. Thank God I didn't hear that one. Maybe I did, but I just couldn't focus as my head hurt. Head ache in my forehead. Every bump hurt my head, my neck was weak, like a babies, I couldn't hold it up, it was too heavy.

Although we are not covered at Pioneer, my mom had to take me there. I wouldn't survive getting to any other hospital. My mom pulled up to the front and ran in to go get me a wheel chair, the paramedics had already called in to get me a room. Before I knew it a man was squeezing my knee (supposedly I had passed out here) I quickly pulled my knee towards me, I hated being touched. He grabbed my arm and pulled me up and sat me in the chair as my knees gave out.

It seemed like forever, he was pushing me in the wheel chair as I covered my face as the movement was killing my head and tummy. Oh here it comes, and it didn't stop for nearly 5 minutes. Finally, my tummy caught a break and they got me in the bed. At least a little relief. I guess.

People were poking and prodding me. Asking me questions. (Which my mom answered on my behalf). They took my vitals, and quite frankly I hated the nurse I got in the ER, supposedly it was a "required" test, they said they would take my vitals laying, sitting and standing. I warned the lady I would throw up if she moved me, and I would pass out if I stood-yet to my pleading and begging, I felt the bed moving. And to no surprise, up came the nasty. And it didn't stop. The stupid lady was asking me questions, as if I were to answer them!! My mom comforted me by saying that I didn't need to answer while I was throwing up. They didn't attempt to make me stand. I don't remember much besides moaning "wheres my medicine" several times. And once I got the nausea medicine, I slept with 5 minutes. Thank God for I.V.'s. Fast, immediate relief. Well, this part where its a little embarrassing.

They required a urine sample, and the lady had asked me to get up, I had my medicine, both the nausea and dizzy medicine, so I agreed to try to walk to the bathroom right next door to my room. I sat up, and was still dizzy, then she pulled me up to have me stand next to the bed, and she saw the look in my eyes, I almost passed out. I laid back down, and asked if she would come back in a few minutes, and she was so rude. She said "Were going to do this now on my time." To try to ease the blow and sound less rude she added in "I don't know when I will get back to you".

To my embarrassment, she pulled out a catheter. Now I have had a pap smear, and having a catheter done hurt far more than a pap smear. Mean, bitter lady. You choose to be a nurse for a reason, if your not happy, then don't blame and take it out on sick, dying in pain patients. (Sorry venting.) I was soon left to rest, in and out of conciseness, I do remember the doctor coming in, prying my eyes open, and explaining something about VERTIGO. Well, off to sleep I went.

Later they came a drug me down to get a cat scan, they swirling red light didnt help, to say the least, and back to room 5 I went.

My family and I were in the ER for 8 hours before they told us they would not let me go home, and that I had to be admitted. (Well, insurance was not happy about that). I got to my room, the wheel chair ride up to room 322 was bumpy, taking the elevator was hellish. I got to my room and literally fell into bed. My family stayed with me as I buzzed and bugged the nurses requesting my medicine for 3 VERY long hours.

I met my doctor, he had me do some odd tests, moving certain body parts, eyes following the fingers, deep breathing, asking lots of questions, things doctors usually do. He gave the order for medicine, music to my ears.

My nurse came in, older lady, sweating profusely. Rushing and clumsy. She had a computer, that unless otherwise said I could have medicine, I would not be receiving it. Which made me more and more agitated, but I was quiet. My brothers were quietly mocking her, laughing as she fished through her fanny pack. (They later told me the humorous joke they had tempted themselves with, pulling the plug on the computer). She finally got and I noted I had over a dozen different medicines, blood thinners, (which are injected through a shot in the stomach, and she literally stabbed me with that one) dizzy medicine, sick medicine, flu medicine, pain medicine, antibiotics and some others. My mom asked what I was taking, which seemed to bother her more.

They quarantined me to my room, always wearing masks, treating me like I swine flu, which of course I knew I did not. As I had no fever. Visiting hours were over, my family was tired as was I. Sleeping in hospitals never occurs, always someone in and out, waking you every hour on the hour, they become more like a thousand power naps. Vitals taken 3 times at night, and probably just as often in the day if not more. The first night I slept alone. Which I didn't even register in my mind. Waking as the clumsy, aggravated nurse shuffled in and out of my room. I threw up 2 more times. I had only sprite, which I would rather take that than the acid.

Now, if I had been in my right mind and I wasn't so weak and sick something might have went down. Right as I slept I felt the nurse swabbing my nose, as I freaked out and pulled back she told me they were testing for the dreaded swine flu. She was rough and harsh as I pushed my head back like a cornered child hiding from her vegetables. My eyes watered, but I didn't care, soon again, I was asleep. Until my machine began beeping.

It was not comfortable sleeping, trying to find something comfortable while keeping the I.V. straight and not moving enough to make me dizzy was hard. I stopped caring about the I.V. - but when I kept buzzing the nurse down she got angry and taped the tube from kinking and threatened to wrap my arm as a reminder to keep my arm straight. I opted for leaving my arm on my side.

Friday, June 12th 2009

"I'm your 6:00AM wake up call!!" A males voice echoed my ear. (I have found that the reason they take your blood so early is so that you don't fidget about, your too tired to care.) If it had been any other time I might have even thought of adding a whispered "yeah that's what she said" joke while laughing at myself, but nothing really penetrated my thought process.

He was nice, I didn't really mind being poked, either because I really didn't feel it, or the medications were really good, or it relieved other pain. I drifted off for another nap and an hour later I woke to a lady and man with a weird looking machine. "We came to take a chest X-Ray", "OK" I muttered, I didn't know why, but didn't care to ask. The woman had to help me take off my bra, I barely could move as my back as sore. I hated having to be so dependant on people, more so when it comes to people I don't know. The deed was done.

I had been put on a clear liquids only diet, so my mom arrived and began to question me about my nights stay. I felt an appetite coming back, I buzzed again, requesting my dizzy medicine and asking if I could have something to drink and eat. I downed 3 small cups of liquid, apple juice was my favorite. Another 2 big drinks and some broth and some jello. I was still hungry and due overwhelming nagging and persistence I finally achieved the very envied for "OK" from the doctor.

I ordered a grilled cheese, a yogurt, carrot cake (which I had desperately been craving) and more apple juice. It finally arrived and my mother cautioned me to eat slowly so I could handle the solids. I didn't care, the curly fries tasted heavenly, oh and the food was wonderful.

I really liked the nurse I had, she was bubbly, nice, funny. "Mel". I asked her if I could get my bed changed. Now I hate stinking, one of my worst pet peeves. I had not showered for...a while (since the number of days is rather embarrassing and gross.) They said while I was showering they would change the bedding. Showering was a hassle, wrapping my arm with suran wrap, unplugging my life support, my I.V. I sat on a chair, which at the time, didn't think to ask if it had been cleaned. I struggled to wash my hair and my body, but the task was accomplished..

Nothing really special happened that day, you know, just repeats of vitals and more requests for medicines. The doctor came in around noon. I was told I had another night to spend here as I still was too dizzy and weak. I wouldn't receive the go-ahead until I could stand and walk without getting dizzy enough to make me faint. Bathroom visits were frequent. Difficult to muster up the strength as I watch my arms shake as I pushed myself up. I had to focus on one thing to dodge the feeling of stepping on a marry-go-round. And I would come back and relieved, collapse back into bed. I watched TV, drifting in and out of sleep. Bored. As my family was.

We had a couple visitors, Terrie brought my mom a 5 guys hamburger, which I envied so badly. And my really wonderful friend Kelsey and her mother. It was nice to have company. We talked politics, life. Very entertaining as I struggled to keep up mentally and not get too excited as we discussed the worlds stupidity and idiocracy. Again, left alone to the night, again, another night was...nicely put, a repeat of the day before.

Oh. Some good news, no swine flu. Ha, told you.

Saturday, June 13th, 2009

I felt a little better that day. My mom had spent the night with me while my papa and brothers camped nearby. There was a fierce thunder storm that night. Kind of frightening when you see the storm from inside the hospital, reminds one of the haunting's and such, however my love of storms and the medicine made me tired. Hospital food didn't taste so good anymore. My appetite was increasing.

My friend Teresa came by, and being the sweet heart she is, did my hair. And shortly another good friend, Daniel came. He had seen me only 5 days earlier as we went out for a yummy lunch at Appleby's. Thank heavens for such kind and generous friends. Had I seen myself in another's eyes, my temptation to laugh at the whole thing, hair, and all. I would probably not been so kind. I was so pale, no makeup as I sweated and washed it all off, and my hair was curly, like an afro. A white girls afro. What a sight to see. My mom nick named me "dopey" and found it amusing how drugged I was. Soon the visitors were gone.

Again, just another boring day in the hospital. And again, no release-but, BUT!! I did sit in a chair for 5 minutes and later that afternoon I walked down the hall to the nurses station, I was proud, excited that my doctor had seen me walk. My papa stayed with me that night. I slept better that night. As long as I had my medicines, I was a happy camper. I struggled to sleep that night, sick of hospitals. I have low tolerance for hospitals, the smell, the situations there, being poked, the dullness and bland food. Although, there was one thing, very entertaining, a woman, she was suicidal, kept trying to wheel herself out of the hospital and the guard would play card games with himself, and as she pushed the elevator buttons he would push her back to her room and yet again, she would attempt again. This amused me more than it should.

I had a family of visitors, an old boxing buddy and my moms friend/co-worker and their family. The drugs got to me, and I was on a laughing spell for a couple hours, and soon I was tuckered out. I wondered if was going to be my last night, and repeated my life again, needles, buzzing, waking, TV and all.


Sunday, June 14th, 2009

I was so sick of hospital food by now. And I needed another shower, which I gladly took as I changed my bedding. It was a little easier. Although I hate greasy hair, I didn't mind, I just wanted to lay. I got some energy, and went for my 2nd walk in over 4 days. Pulling my I.V. along with me as my mom stayed by my side to make sure I didn't stumble and fall-because I walked like I was drunk. Again to the nurses station, I went to personally go out and sarcastically ask for my dizzy medicine. The nurses knew by now, I'm a big joker, trying to lighten the situation. They enjoyed my "dopiness" too. I walked back, again hoping for the doctor to catch a glimpse of me walking, not thinking that he gets reports from nurses and such, I was disappointed not to see him. I walked pass the guard, again he was playing solo with himself. I jokingly said, "hey I can play, I will wager my dizzy medicine, and you can wager your food" he laughed at that. My mom talked with him a bit to see what was the best recommendations for hospital food.

The doctor magically popped in, and had done some blood work done. Good and bad news, bad news is always better for me to hear first. At the time, it didnt really register, I am now pre-diabetic and my thyroid is under functioning. Another medication to add to my quickly growing list of medications. Good news, I was being discharged in an hour!!

Got all the little nitty gritty stuff taken care of. And was soon off in the car. That was pretty tough, not as tough as the ride there though. I got home. Oh that brought new meaning, "Home Sweet Home".

Monday, June 15th, 2009

That day was weird, off the I.V., getting used to doing things for myself, like drinking and not having an I.V. pumping the needed fluid into my veins, and the medication took longer to work-I really didnt mind the weird hay/penny taste that came with the medication as it was shot into my I.V. I loved how fast it worked. I made it through fine. Although, I did wonder how much a of a burden it was to my family, as I remained unable to do many things on my own.

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

My mom and cousin took me to the ear, nose, and throat specialist. Still, the dizziness continued, medications suppressed it, and my sick medication helped with that. I have had a head ache every day since I have been sick, a migrain the first 2 days, and now head aches in my forehead, all on my right side. It causes tooth aches, and of course my inner ear infection hurts, I have even started getting head aches behind my ear. That is new territory.

More tests, he grabbed my face and spun my head as I tried to focus on a spot on his face, as he turned my head left, I was successful, a little more dizzy, turn it right...woah. My eyes fell off the spot and quickly readjusted. Dizzy again. I went and got my hearing tested, it was fine. They told me I had to reschedual to come back for an equalibrium test as my walking skills have apparently diminshed.

Reschedualed and on my way home, my cousin and I hung out for the rest of the day, company is nice. We watched taken, and for once I actually LOVED the food I was eatting. Thank heavens my mom knows how to cook.

P.S. the test I was to take on Thursday, required that I sober up, no [dizzy] medications for 48 hours. I took my last dizzy pill hopeful that it would stay in my system as long as possible, secretly knowing, it probably wouldnt.

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

Another day battling to conquer the inner ear infection and all that it brought with it. Sober. I felt like someone had pounded a nail in my head. But again, medication has a wonderful way of blocking pain. (Wow, I just realized I am starting to sound like a druggy, however, rest assured, I am not.) I made it through that day.

Thursday, June 18th, 2009

Today was the day for the equalibrum test. I got ready and nervously went (as my mom had talked with someone who had previously had the test, and generously explain how hellish it would be). They took me to the back room and put the most groovy looking pair of high fashion glasses on me, no, actually, they looked more like paintball goggles than anything. I sat on the edge of the bed in front of the TV. The goggles record every eye movement. She popped a little dot on the screen, "follow it with your eyes only". I did so as it jumped from point to point, now faster. And now it went side to side. Faster.

You know how when you see a long line of train cars, your eyes follow jumping quickly-well the screen popped up a million little squares that I followed with my eyes. Faster. Her reaction comforted me a little more. This test wasnt as bad as that lady had told my mom. The lady covered my goggles with something and all I saw was black. "Look up...now to the right...now left....now down....straight." Easy enough right.

She helped me lay down with the black cover on still-she quickly turned my head right, ooooops!! There goes the crazy eye, and readjusted. Left! Not as bad. OK. She then took off the cover and had me sit up; you know those things musicians use, to learn the beats and such the "tick-tock-tick-tock" well I had to turn my head to the beat. Nothing really. Still her reaction was fine.

"Now lay down again," she says. "This is going to blow cold air into your ear, we want to check your ear drum". Somehow this cold air made my brain do something-cant explain it. It was cold. Not a bad reaction, she told me I was handling everything pretty well. More comfort. She switched to do my right ear-that was sore. Again, nothing really. She moved to the warm air (I do love anything warm, however, this was hell.) She again filled my ear with air, this time, warm. Woah. Woah. Getting dizzy here...."only ____ seconds left" I didnt care about the seconds, I was dizzy again and just wanted this test over. I began to breathe heavy-I tried to stay calm, my mom held my hand, I didnt want to frighten her.

"Due to your reaction, we cant move to the right ear for a few minutes" She left the room (secretly she went to the doctor...) she came back, and I was not looking forward to this at all. Well, I was only a little dizzy, fine, I just hated having anyone touching my ear. Her voice more solmn than before, more focused. She reveiwed my tapes with me, showing me my eyes; pointing out my problem(s)...my eyes shook like crazy. The test proved, it was not the inner ear infection causing the vertiago and sickness and migrains and slurred and delayed speech...but it was nuerlogical.

"Great. *Keep it together, moms here, dont want to see her cry and fret and worry*...who really wants to hear that at age 19 they have nuerological problems...at any age. Anything that deals with the brain is serious enough." I thought to myself. My head was spinning from the results, not like I needed anymore spinnning.

I got ahold of myself. I asked her waht that meant, it wasnt what she said that scared me, rather the lack of what she said. She told me she didnt want to frighten me and avoided the questions and acted busy. I have seen that reaction only one other time in my life-when I tore my ACL, and had the weeklong dreaded appointment to hear my verdict. You know how they hop around the question, ignoring you until they have to tell you. Same feeling. Good feeling gone. "You cant leave until we get you an MRI set." Firm, resolute. I hung out in the front choking back the tears fighting to come, one escaped as I pretended to be watching outside "yawning". Weak attempt, the nurse quickly caught on and busied my mom with tasks and paperwork.

Now, my mom all my life, with the exception of my knee, has been the one on the table with the medical scares and all the tests. I am no stranger to hospitals. I have spent hours of my life by my mom and papa's side as they have been in, more my mom, but my dad too. And the pain experienced being the one by the bedside, dare I say is worse than the pain, as you watch helplessly as the one you love is hurting and you are helpless and cant do a thing to ease their pain, or take their burden.

Before I left, they had pushed me into LDS hospital for an MRI the following morning-8:30AM. Fun, little machines buzzing in your ear. I had only been in one, for my knee. Never had my head gone in the machiene.

Since I really dont pay attention to time anymore, the days just pass me by. I made it through.

Friday, June 19th, 2009

I am now feeling the stress. I have bills due, and I have been out of work for 10 business days. Introspection occured today as I layed squished in the MRI machiene, alone with my thoughts. I am sleeping less. I arrived today, found a wheel chair, (thank goodness, as we had to take an elevator, wow, that would have been interesting to do without a chair, lethal maybe) at the hospital. Filled out the (at least) questionair of the week. And was quickly taken back for the MRI. It was a tiny little hole to be shoving someone like me in there, but hey, I got in there. At first it scared me, I felt this weird shock in my hands from the magnets or whatever.

I used to be afraid of tight places, before my knee surgery. Just one good thing about it, Im not anymore. I imagined myself like Mr. Incrediable getting stuck, and the man hitting the button repeatedly shouting to suck it in and then pounding the button and finally popping into place. They got me on the machienes bed, layed me down tucked my hair in covered me with my blanket, as I am always cold. Cautioning me and adivsing me. Preping for launch.

I began to question my sanity, I felt a little crazy, as they strapped my head down with a band across my forehead, and then put this, plastic face gaurd over my face locking it in place. The whirring sound of the machiene was fine until the machiene jerked into place. Two yellowish-green lights went all the way up the machiene, reminded me of something like from outter space, or something you see in the movies. "Stay still" a voice from nowhere, somewhere says.

Prayers begin. The clicking frightens me as I feeling the magnets and machiene shaking and swirling. 4 tears roll down my cheeks and the rest swirl in my eyes clouding my vision. I could finally cry without my head kicking me for doing so. I pray and immideately calm sweeps over me. I begin to make fun of the machiene to occupy my mind - "oh that sounds like a farting sound" (ok, so-o off, but comforting at the time). Soon I was pulled out, and I was injected with dye, contrast. (The taste was better than my dizzy medicine), again, I tried kicking the humor in, the nurse was just acting like I was stupid, oh well. Back into the machiene. The whole thing took about 30 minutes and I waited to get a little CD holding my life in pictures. We left and arrived home.

So now, we await to see how quickly my ears, throat and nose specialist can push me in to see a nuerologist, they sure are putting a rush on this (you know, after watching House, when people make your tests and appointments imperative next to the hundreds waiting, you know that somethings got to give).

I am now struggling for my life to survive the worst news ever...bordom. Ok, seriously I have never done nothing...since I was 12. So its a bit of a shock to sit around and do nothing. I have no clue how anyone could like living in this state of life. I try to keep my mind from wandering off too far, my imagination can often get the better of me at times. I dont know weather to expect the worst or best, if I expect the worse, I may go into a dreaded downward spiral and give a self fulfilling prophacy as a lethal gift, but in that case I wont be disappointed or fall. But if I look more positevly, I would in all reality (if the news is not so good) only fall once and still have hope, which I am still fighting to bring back, as life has tried and nearly succeeded in killing all that I already had. I think I pick the best. As I have never picked anything less, and I want to live.

However, I want to say a little about my patreachical blessing, it mentions this "My dear sister, your days on this earth, will not always be easy, for we are sent here to be tried..." I cannot help but wonder if this will be one of my bigger trials, as my life has never really been easy, but never a regret, always worth it.

At least I know God still cares.

But I know I will be fine, through this trial. It always is just but a small season. And my blessing again, tells me I will be married and have kids...well obviously, there is a tiny problem. I am not married, one. And 2, I dont see any of my kids...do you? So, all in all, faith is a great comfort. Prayers are still generously accepted. *cough as well as visitors*

The guessing games are not fun, as my mom talks with people, they suggust tumors... strokes... Im only 19-there is no way I can have a stroke so young. Where has all hope gone. Hope once gone is hard to find, but not impossible. I have learned, that which was lost was never really lost. Anyways, I will keep this post updated as things progress, and we learn more. As long as I am progressing, even in the smallest amount, I am pleased at the end of the day. And God will not abandon us, especially in our darkest hour.

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

I am still here. I can feel I am getting better, slowly, most definately not as quickly as I would like, but I am happy with even the least progression. I am at home, most of the day I am killing my brain cells, I am going into shock overload with TV. I am reading Twilight, the first book. That which I always swore to never be "one of those Twilight fanatics", and I find myself against my will, thanks Jaylee for converting me. ;)

I am very bored, and would love some company (other than my family, as I live with them, although I love them, being around them like this is almost becoming unhealthy (a jokingly smirk crosses my face...now). The ears nose and throat specialist never got ahold of the nuerologist, so they in return have yet to call us, I am sure the call will come Monday. Another one of those "long weekends", the ones no one should ever have to experience.

Well, I am tiring, and it is time for dinner. By the way, did you know that today is the longest day of the year? Yes. I can hear your thoughts now (just like Edward from Twilight-(oh geez, now I am referencing him in my life already?!)...) I think I will attempt a short walk tomorrow. I will talk with you all soon. Again, thank you for the prayers. :) Until tomorrow!!

Sunday, June 21st, 2009

Tomorrow has come!! So, I still feel weird. I dont have any other words to better describe my body, my physical feeling. It is rather frustrating as I mentally think I am better, or I should be better, yet I remain dysfunctional and my brain is mis or underfunctioning.

I went for my first walk today. I would fall over laughing at myself, had I been in a more healthy state the distance I made is pathitic, but giving consideration to my state of health now I am surprised I made it down far as I did. I made it 4 houses down, had to take a small break, visiting with neighbors, and then came back.

We will see how well I can do tomorrow. :) Still bored as ever-I feel like I have been staring at a rock all day, and despite my "craving to drive (which I cant do) and go to a park and swing, teter-toter, and jump on a trampoline (definately not the best of ideas for an already dizzy, tipsy person) I have to write, read, watch TV, sleep, and do nothing. I hate being stuck in a body that wishes for simple things, but still cannot physically accomplish them.

Oh, I finished Twilight. Devoured it actually is probably a better word. My mom could barely pry it from my hands, threatening taking away food as leverage (Which at the time didnt seem so appealing as I wasnt feeling too well), and as food didnt work, she pulled out my medicine and used that. So of course, I gave in. Thank heavens for such a "special" mom. Haha, I love her.

I forgot today was Fathers Day, but hey!! Im drugged, tired and sick!! Can you blame me? I will have to make it up to my papa. I think I have decided to push my father into the facebook world, I am making him a profile...a "fathers day gift", best excuse ever!!

Monday, June 22nd, 2009

I cant believe how fast June as passed, man that hit hard. Still waiting for the phone call...those two words bear much more weight than they usually do. I am fine, still in the same boring state as the day before. I am going for a walk today, I am going to try to go twice the distance I did yesterday, we will see. Man, I cant wait to be better-that will be nice.

So, I just got back from my walk-I made it all the way down my street and back!! I am more than estactic (as much as my brain allows, I tend to get light headed with too much excitment). Had good conversation with my mother, although the topics were not so "light". Still waiting for the doctors to call, I guess their pretty busy...but Im "special" now ;) (pun intended) and I should be first!!

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Today I found out that even being on the emergency list that they (the nuerologist office) cannot get me in until July 1st. I have to be back into work by Monday. I do worry about this, because I have to get my mind from spinning so I can drive down. I refuse to take the trax and bus, for several reasons. I have to admit, I was very disappointed that they cant get me in until that far out.

I did take another walk last night, same distance as the day before.

Wednesday, June 24th, 2009

So, I plan on lengthening my walk today. Still bored. I think I am going to write some of my friends on their missions today.After all I have "free time" on my hands. And honestly, its driving me NUTS.

Well, I am off to do something...whatever that is-a movie, TV, breakfast shower...

Saturday, June 27th, 2009

Well, its been 3 days since I last wrote; but I have had the same stuff going on since then. I have tried pushing to get into the doctor, I cannot get in until July 1st, even on the emergency medical special cancelation list. If I were just "another patient" I wouldnt be in until November. I have been walking a bit more. I can actually sit in a car without getting dizzy, as long as I look forward. I remain unable to return to work until I am cleared from the nuerologist, and I cant drive myself either. Obvisously, I am bored and frustrated with that aspect. I already went through that phase when I hated that I had to ask for someone to drive, with all the waiting and the "15 year old emotions" that come with it.

I did talk with my ears specialist, he said my MRI looked ok in his eyes, however (there always has to be a "but..." he still is saying its imperative that I see the nuerologist. Which I dont blame him, I still would have gone, either by my choice or the by force of my mom.

I am feeling pretty good today, as the doctor had warned, this recovery would be a rather bumpy one, none the less, it is. I had my first down day 2 days ago, but I am doing much better today. I have watched my whole library of movies, I think I hit about 2-3 a day. Wow. Anyways, I will write within the week, most definately after my doctors visit on Wednesday.

Wednesday, July 1st, 2009

Its been 3 weeks since I got sick today. I finally got into the brain doctor today, filled out yet another couple questionaires. It was early, 7:00AM. When they finally called me back into a room, I was struggling, today is one of my down days as the doctor predicted, but its worse than it has been since I got out of the hospital, but not as bad.

I was asked the same old repetitive questions, did some more tests, the P.A. and the doctor threw some fancy words around, ones I unfortunately couldnt catch. We discussed the possibility of having a spinal tap, but opted not to unless I take a majorly bad turn (I was a little more settled after that). I am starting this "inflamatory 'cleanse'" tomorrow. That is suppsoed to help give me relief from my daily headaches. I have also managed to land myself in therapy, again! 3 times in 2 years. That is supposed to help me with my back and neck pain.

I was told to take my dizzy meds at night to help me sleep, since I have been struggling with that, especially lately-to compensate I read Twilight, (my new addiction since my cousin Jay brought me the book due to my extreme bordom) and little naps that come and go throughout the day.

I have been sent out on another chase, Monday, July 6th, I have another MRI schedualed, except for this one is going to check for anuesyms (I know I cant spell correct right now, but it is pronounced an-ur-is-ms)

I am getting pretty tired and I think I am ready for another nap. I will update this if anything changes, and most definately following the MRI and when I hear back from the doctor about the test results-so we will go from there.

Tuesday, July 7th, 2009

Well, tomorrow it will have been 4 weeks since I got "sick", I still dont know how to define what I have...funny. After endless tests and doctors visits, there isnt a thing they can tell me. Just treat the symptoms...

Anyways, I had my 2nd MRI yesterday, it went well. I am starting to feel a little better, I am aiming to go back to work next week and go register for school in the fall. I am really feeling well, alot of things in my life have been put into perspective and I am enjoying the feeling.

I was told that results will be in a week from the MRI, so I will let you know what the results are then.

July 31st, 2009

I am apologize for taking so long to get back to finishing this, I have quite busy. All my test results have come back ok. I havent had a major down day in over 3 weeks, the past 2 days I have had head aches, but not migrains. My head finally reacts to ibrophin and tylonal mixed together. I am off all of my medicines. My lathargicness has passed. It has been almost 2 months since I have been sick, and I am finally glad I am better.

I have decided that the reasoning for the doctors not having a diagnosis are either:

a) they are stupid, and dont care enough about their patients...

or...
b) that a miracle occured thanks to the preisthood blessing I recieved when I was in the ER, and the fathers blessing I had the night before.

I chose B, the better, and lighter of the 2, I have a very good feeling about this experience and my choice.

I am doing fine, and I am living life. I am looking for a job as I got laid off for missing so much work, but I also feel comfort from that experience. I am now preparing for my mothers surgery coming up this next week, and taking care of my brother who is suffering from sever heat stroke. My family tends to get sick by the bunch, and we seem to never be able to stray too far from the doctors office sidewalk.

Anyways, take care, thanks for all the prayers. I am well.