THE best dreams-ever!!

For the past 3 nights in a row, I have been dreaming about getting married, or engaged-in the past I have dreamt twice of my kids. I have no idea why I have become obsessed and consumed by these subjects, these desires, of course, there is no doubt there has been a dream, a small desire to be married and have kids, but right now, more than anything, I want to fully experience these two blessings.

The first night I dreamt of getting married, the feeling I felt, just in the dream alone, was overwhelming. It felt so good it hurt. I was beyond joyful. And then again, last night...I cannot get over these dreams. I am not sure weather they mean anything or if it just an expression of my innermost desires right now.

I have in the past, had a great desire for a relationship. Last winter I thought of it, almost unbearable...for some reason, it [my desire] feels apparent for a different reason. Maybe it comes with the cooling of the weather, I don't know. But all I know is I want to be happy and married.

I want to have a family, have children. But there is one point I want to make as well. I have always desired to be a fashion designer. This talent of mine, will not go to waste, but if I am to get married before I accomplish my professional goals, I most certainly will start my family. After I have gotten back on my feet, I still plan on pursuing my education.

Will love keep me in its gravity forever?? Surely, it will. I am in love with being in love. Its part of being me.

My never

I just needed to write something today, now.

You keep on hurting me-and you probably don't know, because I don't dare say, and because you don't care. False and empty promises-I have fulfilled my part of the bargain, but it seems now, more than ever, it is me you have an issue with, and are making attempts to assure my failure in this contract. Though we didn't sign with ink, or even blood. We signed with our words, and that should mean everything.

Too often, everything means nothing.

There are things I wish I could say to you, but know that I probably never will, as this is more of my private world, one you don't care to visit any longer. I don't want to hurt you-ever. I am even willing to accept my pain instead of causing yours.

I wish I could say that I miss you, so much-because I really do. But I don't want to.
I want to tell you how much I love you, I always will.
I wish I could erase everything, just so it wouldn't hurt anymore, but then again, I would probably lock those "erased" memories away, because I cant bear to part with them, some were the best in my life.
I wish I could tell you to be here with me, for me.
I wish I could go back to that one night, after we had the best day.
I wish that you had kept your promises.
I wish I was something of more worth to you. Like I used to be.
I wish that you didnt change.
I wish that I didnt pull away so quickly from the pain you are causing me, but I have to-for me, for once.
I wish you made me happy, instead of what I feel now.
I wish I didn't want to say any of this.
I still want you to be a part of my life. But I am not sure how much.
I'm sorry.
I want to know if you will think of me, 10, 15, even 60 years down the road. I know I will.


I don't regret anything we have done together, it was good. Then.
I don't have anything more to say right now...I try not to think about it, you too often.

How do you

Say goodbye?? I haven't ever been goodbyes. No matter how firmly I set it in my mind that it is the final goodbye, even for my best interest-I cant let go. You, he, she, they, them. All mean something to me, there is a part of my life that you touched, that you influenced that made me who I am today.

Maybe I feel as if I am saying goodbye to myself-and I don't want to lose myself. Where do "you" go if you lose yourself...you would think that you couldn't lose yourself since you live, sleep, eat, breathe with yourself...but often times I find myself seeking for me; or maybe more of me. I am not sure.

I hate how people come into my life, and bring such a sparkle into it, and then disappear. It is worse when they came very close to you, and you no longer sparkle for them either. I don't want you to go. I hate losing friends, despite how inevitable it is in life. It. Isn't. Fair. Make me forget, please. It might be better that way.

I hate how the expected daily texts and messages come to slow end. There are no more phone calls with your face appearing with your number. I miss the sound of your voice. There is no more giggles and deep conversations late at night. No more secrets. Nothing new worth sharing. Don't you get that it isn't me who changed?? Its you.

I can make the time despite my long list of things, you used to. You used to do alot for me. Words will never be able to begin how much you have done. My life has changed immensely because of you. I don't know how often I cross your thoughts...but you still cross mine, everyday. I still keep all the pictures, the ones where we made silly faces, the ones that have great significance because of what happened when those photos took place.

Oh how I wish I could change what we have become. I love you. So much. You have been so much a part of my life.

"Friendships may not last. Friendships can lose importance and die gradually.
Some friendships end abruptly with unresolved conflict. The worst enemy of
friendships is change by one or both friends. There is usually pain with the
loss of friendship.In fact, friendships end with pain and change."

I just want to know if you even care.

One knee

I have dreamt of the day when a man would walk into my life, and be so enthralled with ME. He would love and adore me, take time for me, talk with me, do things with me. When I would be giddy, and overwhelmed with love and romance that every song I heard would remind me of him, every word would make me remember some inside joke we had. We would live life together. I have dreamt of the day he would get down on one knee, and tell me how deeply he loves me, and wants to spend life and all of eternity with me. I have dreamt of the day I would be in a white dress, walking out of the castle in down town Salt Lake City, when I would be made the queen for the day publicly, and privately through all of time.

Every girl has. Our barbies get married to Ken. They honeymoon in someplace only our minds can view. We all have watched the movies, and went to bed wishing "that was me". Songs remind us of what we so fiercely seek. We read books like Twilight, and fall in love with another womans fantasy. Alright, so I am a Twilight fan...oh well. I am a fan of other things, but I really love the photography that they [Twilight] provides. It is beautiful and communicates alot of what I feel and long for. So, if you don't like it, sorry.

Why is it that lately, it [relationships] have been on my mind?? The weddings and engagements and baby announcements have calmed down. I haven't had this desire for a long time. I am almost 20...in Utah-man I am be-hind on getting on the couples ride...luckily there isn't one bus.

I want so badly to find love, or be found-however it works. Love is so powerful. I love being in love. That feeling you get, and yes, I know you know what I am talking about.

Maybe my love is at my school, and maybe I met him today, and didn't know it. Or maybe he is some odd 5053 miles away I don't know; I wish to discuss this one that is so far away. I have never met one who made me instantly feel loved-and if it isn't love, then tell me what it is. I felt electricity when we touched, there is no exaggeration, or make-up-believe. I think he felt it too. It made want him so bad it hurt. I don't know what will happen with this. I haven't heard from him in over a year. I still live my life, although, he still intrigues me, my attention, is still his-in the back of my mind.

I just want to be married. (OK, so it wouldn't hurt to have someone like Edward Cullen, who makes Bella weak in the knees with a breathe.) Now. But I don't want to settle. So, I will give life and love a try again.