Still.

I don’t know why you think you can control destiny. Or why you think you know what’s best for me, and can tell me how to live my life.

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing I will ever do…but I don’t think I can. It’s impossible. What I gave is yours to keep, like I give to others…and I am incomplete without that piece in my heart, I would rather experience that pain, than the pain of being empty. Once you write on my heart, it never fades away, you didn’t use a pencil, you choose the sharpie.

I don’t know how you can ask me to let go…impossible. I can move on, but I don’t know if I can let you go. I don’t want to…and I really don’t think I can. I am not that type of person, and I won’t make an exception for you.

How do you?

How do you say goodbye to someone when you dont know what the future holds?
When they have been a big part of your life?
When you have built a future of promises and plans together?

What do you say? Whats right or wrong?

Who knows if they'll die the next day, or if they will end up being the happiest person on the earth? When you want to be there for everything, and its impossible.

How do you say goodbye, period?

I hope one day we can both meet up sometime and just be friends, but for now, that is a vain hope.

Sometimes I wish I could relive the start, maybe then, we would remember to slow down at all of our favorite parts.

Promise me you will think of me when your out there...

A long goodbye...

I apologize, I know you wanted space…but I had to come see you, talk with you once more. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me in the near future with this terrifying change. And I don’t know where that change will leave me. So, I was ready and I needed answers, I needed closure. I wanted to make sure I didn’t make a mistake I would forever regret, I wanted you to know that you knew and were sure that “nothing” is what you really wanted. I didn’t want to end what we had on a bad note. I couldn’t live with the regret that I hadn’t done everything I could, and said everything that I needed to say, and hear everything I needed to hear.

It wasn’t a waste of time. I was confused at what had happened and I am still trying to understand what you said and what you do-what happened. But I knew what I was getting into, I knew you weren’t coming back. I just had to know for sure, for me.
You have gone and left me and so many promises and plans – everything and you have done it so effortlessly; you assumed things and didn’t ask me. You think you are doing what’s best for me, and you guarantee it is best for me, but I assure you, you are wrong. I wouldn’t argue with you, because ultimately, you are the one who wins, I might as well not even speak. But I know whats best for me. And if your happy, then I am happy.

You say there is too much there, and you don’t want to hurt me…I remember you said the last thing you wanted was for me to be hurt…why didn’t you think to stop and ask me? I told you, I am an open book, yet you overlooked what could have changed the situation that now exists.

It would be better for you to literally punch a hole through my chest; it would hurt less than this. What we had, was the best I ever had, and saying goes: “These violent delights, have violent ends, and in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume them.”

You gave me the title, which I tried to fulfill…you read into what I did and forgot to tell me that I was doing too much. You say its best we let go, that I am better without you. Why do you think you can decide what is good for me? No matter how much I pray, I know things won’t change. There are days when I miss you so much, and there are days I wish I could just meet up for lunch with you and catch up on life and just talk with you, like we did. There are days I wish we could go back, but I don’t want to go back. I was only willing to move forward, and you are moving forward, but we’re both going on different paths. I really wish we could still be friends.

You changed my life, made it so much better. I still love you, and always will. I don’t think I will ever let go, I don’t have it in me. I am a ride or die, and you are always welcome here. I could never wish anything bad for you; in fact, I wish only the best for you. I wish we could be a part of each other’s lives, but I see it won’t be that way. I hope someday we can be, in time. It may take a couple of years, and only time will tell. But I am not waiting around.

So now I am tearing down that future I should have never built, promises and words can be so empty. I am flying on my own and building my life in the here and now. Oh how I wish things could be different, but wishful thinking gets us nowhere. And I know no matter how much I pray, the heavens won’t change things between us.

Last night was our long goodbye, but there is never a good time for goodbyes, and I hate them. I despise them. I didn’t really say goodbye. I never do, and probably never will. Like you said, “there is too much there”…there is always that hope, even if it takes a life time, you made a promise, that we would always be friends…I’m sad you forgot that.

Give me time, I have heard and expereienced so much, I need time. Time will tell. I will be better in time.

It has all been done and said. I wonder if I waited too long, because you seem to have used that time to have me replaced. I can longer silence myself, my grief over losing the one thing I wanted most is like experiencing a death, I am just waiting for your funeral invite. So go ahead, tell the world what I hoped for and how it is impossible. If someone had told me 3 years from now, you would be long gone; I would have stood up and punched them out. Every memory I will cherish, until we meet again, and one day, everything will be right. But I keep you locked in my memory…

Tonight I need answers.

You said we needed time, that we needed space. It’s funny how you have used that time to have me replaced. You have left me here with so many unanswered questions. I kept them inside, didn’t say a word, respected you because you asked me to…but it’s time for me, I deserve answers, after all we have been through and after all I have done for you, it’s the least you can do.

I haven’t seen you in two months. I haven’t heard from you in a month and a half…what happened? We used to be friends, we used to be cool, now you done flipped and switched and changed and I am left standing here wondering why and what just happened.

I hear one thing from someone who would know, and another thing from someone who wouldn’t…then there is what you did and said to me…I am so confused. I want to know where we stand, because I had my foot out the door, and maybe by divine intervention, someone made me think twice.

My friends tell me it’s a waste of time; I am just coming to see, what you would do if I give you a chance to make things right. I am sure their right. But once again, I defend you, the last time…I give you the benefit of the doubt-because I have seen your potential, maybe I am dumb and naïve but I am not stupid and that’s why I am doing what I am. It’s silly for me to keep holding on…

You cant possibly be the one I once adored. You don't seem to know, seem to care what your heart is for...Well I don't know you anymore. I'm all out of faith, I have nothing left to give, and this is how I feel.

What you have done isn’t right. The problem here is you. I am willing to go, but I am also willing to forgive and stay…tonight will prove who is right. You don’t know what you have lost and you won’t realize til’ I am gone, which one of us is really done?

Learn to appeciate what you have...dont take it for granted. Its easy to do...and soon you will realize what you had and it will be too a little to late. Im not who I used to be, I love me, genuinely, and I have to do this for me.

These are my girls!!

These are my ladies, and I love them. Im proud of them and I think their all absolutely gorgeous and I lov that I can look at them in such a lovely light.

I appreciate all of you for being such a big part of my life, I love you, and dont ever want you to leave. You all have blessed my life so abunadantly, my life would be so different without you. I love you.

I miss you!!

Today I really miss the one man in my life I could utterly trust with my life and know he wouldn’t break my heart or my trust. I miss the one who taught me to love, to live, to aspire, to dream. I miss my grandpapa. And I would give anything and everything I had to see him, I would move heaven and earth to get one hour with him.


Our song came on, it’s the one he taught me how to slow dance to. Its a lot different than the dancing I do now. Its old fashioned dancing. And I love it.






I remember you got out of your wheelchair and twirled me around in my yellow dress. I miss you. I miss how you were here and we would talk and do things together. I wish I could see you today, I wish you could see me. I have so many questions for you, I wish we could talk. What I would do for one more dance with you, 2 minutes and 32 seconds.

He is my angel.

Naked

I think I am getting a little closer.






For the first time since I was about 10, I went out in public with no make up on.
And there was no problem, in fact, I was walking out of the store and a guy was on his phone and he stopped when he saw me, dropped his phone to his side and said "woah!"...

I guess I have natural beauty. Its just a default, I look beautiful without even trying. My beauty is effortless. Gorgeous, flawless.

I am learning I dont have to wear makeup, I can do less and I am beautiful anyways.
I dont need make up.

Chicago, brace yourself!! Here we come!!

A road trip, just us girls!!



A handful of reasons...






It couldnt come any quicker, Friday May 21st, 2010.

Chicago, here we come, you are beautiful, so are we. We will be beautiful together no matter what adventures we take.





So, new lessons memories and so much excitment and fun!!

The "I miss Carlie tantrum"

Sunday morning was nothing different. I miss people, especially the people I am close to often, and terribly.

But Sunday, it was all about Carlie.



I had just finished taking a shower, and my hair was still wet. My phone goes off, I recieved 2 texts from Carlie Christopher.

I read it, and felt the overwhelming lack of Carlie, I immediately put my phone down, walked over to my bed, and face planted into my pillow and began to cry, sob is actually probably more accurate.



I sobbed for 10 minutes.

The thing that made me stop...my mom.

She walked in and asked "What in the heck is wrong?!"

My reply: "I really just miss Carlie."



My moms reply as she came over to hug me was a out burst of "oh you poor baby" laughter, followed by "you act and talk like a 2 year old."



Carlie, I miss you. My life isnt the same with you s far away. I hate this. I hate the 1500 miles between us. I hate every mile in its own singlarity.

Lesson learned.

A friend is a possession we earn, not a gift.

It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.

Its true that we dont know what we had until we lose it, but its also true that we didnt know what we were missing until it arrives.

You have to learn to love what is good for you.

Love is lost, not let go.

It takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Find someone who makes your heart smile.

You can only push someone so far away before their gone...on their own.

I deserve the respect of a woman, not a girl.

I know whats best for me.

I am not a possession. I am a butterfly.