Doing things we dont want to do...

there are things in this life we will have to do no matter how much we dont want to do them.

i am too lonely and keep allowing things, people...even myself to continually hurt me. and I really cant do it anymore.

I have to start choosing better for myself. and i am, another new begining.

i dont like goodbyes, i tend to hold on long after they have been said.
i dont like people bouncing in and out of my life like they arent going to alter me in any way by doing so.
i dont like being lonely.
i dont like it when people dont keep their promises.

but when i remember how hard it is to change myself, i understand that i cant change others, although, i continually hope that change will come.

I am a hopeful lover.
I am a hopeful person.

dont lead me along...knowing you wont keep your promises.
i easily believe people, i easily see the good in you...dont take that for granted. take advantage of my kindness...

now i must learn to let things, people, situations go so i can heal, be happy and whole. i have to face what pain i know will come, and i must not falter, i have been hurt in my past, so i know i can do this...

so what. sue me.

My uncle although he barely warrants that name, had a heart attack this past week. He called yesterday to talk to my family.

After not talking to any of us except my papa for over a decade.




Things happen. People do things that are wrong. They mess up.
It’s all part of life.

And considering that I am not one to judge because I am going to need as much mercy and grace as I can get, and the fact that I can usually get over things pretty quickly, more quickly than many others 99% of the time, the situation has frustrated me.

But then the emotional is quick to shut up, as my logical side begins its argument.

He hasn’t been a part of my life for over a decade. He hasn’t cared to even remotely make an effort to say anything to me. He didn’t care about anything I have done, and be assured my step grandmother has talked...she makes sure she catches up on her Sunday gossip.

I have done some pretty great things in my life and he still hasn’t said a single word to me.

Now I do have issues of abandonment I deal with. I don’t want someone to bounce in and out of my life as if there is nothing that will be lost or hurt. So sue me if I am not just joyous about him coming in the summer. It shouldn’t take a heart attack for someone to care.

Apparently it does.


Old habits die hard; I have a feeling that it will be no surprise if he does the same thing again. So excuse me for not throwing a party in honor of his return.

I am sure with some time I may get over these feelings, but for now I am entitled to feel the way I do. Come what may and things may be different, I will be polite and kind, but I don’t feel like there is spot for him in my life where he will wreck whatever chaos he can and then turn away and act as if nothing happened and I do not exist.

Just because a woman can pop a child out of her body does not mean she is a mother. She is merely a parent. It takes a lot more to be given the title of a mother. And the same principles apply to being anyone in my life.

So let’s see what he has to offer.

Clarity

The more and more I think about switching my major, the more and more, it feels right. The more and more I feel at peace.

Ok, so I am switching my major.

Pyscolgy.

[Of course I still love fashion designing. I love design period. That is apparent. However, it is a gift that comes so naturally to me, I dont feel like I need schooling that will cost me a leg and an arm. I can read about what I need to about fashion and designing, I also have friends who I can turn to who have resources I do not.]

I am deciding between the University of Utah and BYU.
The two riveralires.

I dont care what colors I "bleed" I just want a good education and a good expereince along the way. I want to be happy, and I want to make others happy. After a small and quick discussion with my amazing papa, I think the best of the two choices is BYU.

The reason being,

I love the LDSBC, I love how I feel safe there. I love how there is a spirit there. Its what I need in my life. Its imperative to my vitality in life.

Now more details.

This would mean I would have to have a job, and be moved out on my own, to Provo. I think I would love moving out, I have been needing to move out, and been planning it. I was thinking I would move to Michigan, which I would love to do, the people there would be a tremdous blessing in my life. However, maybe I can afford a short visit instead.

When is the right time to go? This is still undecided...

Should I transfer credits or get a degree at the LDSBC? Again, this remains undecided, but I feel like I need to transfer my credits and transfer. I want to get started on my degree and get out in the work force, to start helping people.

I still have yet to pray to the Lord and ask for His imput.
I think I will tonight.

President James E. Faust: Self esteem

Worth and Potential of Christ’s Disciples

When the Savior called His disciples, He was not looking for men and women of status, property, or fame. He was looking for those of worth and potential. They were an interesting group, those early disciples: the fishermen, the tax gatherer, and the others. After they were called to be Apostles, they did not become puffed up or think they were superior. On one occasion, after some of them were beaten, they went on their way “rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer shame for his name” (Acts 5:41).

Worth has little to do with age. It has everything to do with service. The Lord has made it clear that worthiness is built upon service, not just to family and friends but also to strangers and even enemies.


Six Keys for Healthy Self-Esteem

First: Keep Your Agency

I would like to suggest six essential keys to keep a healthy self-esteem. The first key is to keep your agency. This means that we must not surrender self-control nor yield to habits that bind, to addiction that enslaves, nor to conduct that destroys. To keep our agency we must avoid the deadly traps and pitfalls from which there may be no escape. Some, having been ensnared, spend the best years of their life trying to escape and so exhaust themselves in the process that in the end, even though they ultimately find themselves freed from the addiction, they are spent, burned out, their nerves shot, and their brains dulled forever.

How much better off we would be and how much more complete our agency, if we were able to say with the Psalmist: “I have refrained my feet from every evil way” (Psalm 119:101).

Second: Humility

The second key to an adequate self-esteem is humility. I do not mean the breast-beating, sackcloth-and-ashes kind of humility. I mean the humility that comes with inner strength and peace. It is the humility that allows us to accept and live with our own warts, without cosmetics to hide them. It is important to learn to live with our uncorrectable physical and mental defects without complaint or explanation. Some months ago I had a back operation, and I’ve never been the same since, and I may never be. But the first time I spoke over in the Conference Center with a little pulpit like this, one of our granddaughters said, “Oh, Grandpa, you looked so comfortable up there; I just wanted to come up and crawl on your lap.”

Some years ago I became acquainted with a delightful and wonderful new friend. He is a successful businessman—charming, outgoing, and well groomed. His spirituality shines through his countenance. A few months later I noticed a slight limp in his walk which had not been obvious before. That led to a closer observation. When I looked past the gracious smile, I noticed that my friend was slightly hunchbacked, with a somewhat misshapen spine. These physical defects were so well hidden by the natural goodness, warmth, and great charm that they were as nothing in the total man. My friend accepts his physical defects with humility and strength and completely compensates for them with his natural personality.

There is another dimension of humility that must be mentioned—that of being teachable. The prophet Samuel counsels, “Now therefore stand still, that I may reason with you” (1 Samuel 12:7). Proverbs reminds us that “whoso loveth instruction loveth knowledge” (Proverbs 12:1).

Third: Honesty

The third key to self-esteem is honesty. Honesty begins with being true to one’s own self. Some years ago I sat as a spectator in a heartrending courtroom drama concerning the custody of some children. The contention was that the natural mother was not a good housekeeper, which was intended to add fuel to the claim that she was an unfit mother. A caseworker had testified that when she visited the family home, it was in a shambles and that the kitchen was dirty.

The natural mother, seeking to keep custody of her children, was called to the witness stand. A middle-aged, heavy, physically unattractive lady came forward, took the oath, and sat in the witness stand. The attorney for the father (this father had remarried and wanted custody of the children) followed up relentlessly on the testimony already provided by the caseworker. His questions to the beleaguered mother were penetrating.

“Isn’t it a fact,” he asked, “that your house was as dirty as a pigpen the day the caseworker came?” What drama! How could the mother answer in her own best interest and protect her custody of the children? What should she say? There was electricity in the air! She hesitated for a tense moment, and then she responded calmly, with complete self-assurance: “Yes, my house certainly was a mess that day.”

Her honesty obviously surprised even the judge, and he leaned over the bench and asked, “What do you mean that day?”

“Well, your honor,” she replied, “earlier that morning when the caseworker came I had been bottling peaches. I had peeled, cooked, and bottled two bushels of peaches. I had not finished cleaning up the mess when the caseworker came. My sink was still sticky from the syrup that had spilled over that I was trying to pour into the bottles before they were sealed. My house certainly was a mess that day. I try to be a good housekeeper, but with three children I can’t possibly keep it straight all the time.”

Her frankness and candor was absolutely disarming and devastating to the opposition. When she finished speaking, everyone in the courtroom knew the judge would rule in her favor. As she arose and stepped down from the witness stand, she had the bearing and the self-assurance of a queen. Being true to one’s own self is the essence of honesty and a keystone of self-esteem.

Fourth: Love of Work

The fourth key to self-esteem is the love of work. The most gifted athlete at our university excelled in every sport. He played football and ran the hurdles—in fact, he held the conference record in the low hurdles. Our coach, Ike Armstrong, required that the sprinters run once a week with the quarter-milers for 300 yards to increase the stamina of the sprinters and increase the speed of the quarter-milers. My friend—this great athlete—would lead all of the runners for about 275 yards, but as soon as the first quarter-miler passed him, he would quit and wouldn’t even finish. His natural talent and ability was such that he never had to extend himself to excel. He married, but the marriage failed. He went on into professional football and was something of a star until he got into the drug scene and died from the debilitating effects of drugs and alcohol. Others with much less talent have achieved far more.

In my experience, there are very few people who are of true genius. While there are those who are gifted, most of the world’s work and some of the greatest contributions come from ordinary people with a talent which they have developed. An ordinary, garden-variety talent can be nurtured and nourished into a great gift through hard work. Some of the artisans of China spend years making just one exquisite object of art of unbelievable grace and beauty. We do not all have a talent for the arts, such as painting, sculpture, or music. There are many gifts that are not showcased. Some may have a natural gift to make others feel important, happy, and special. Such a gift should be developed and strengthened.

Spiritual gifts, likewise, can be refined and enlarged by attentive application to righteous living, to prayer, to study of the scriptures, and to obedience. A line attributed to George Lucas suggests, “It doesn’t matter what people say about me, or what I say; what matters is what I accomplish.” What we accomplish helps our self-esteem. Sometimes we may think, “The work I do is unimportant,” or “I’m only this or that.” Every job that has to be done is important, no matter how minimal it seems; someone has to do it.

Fifth: Ability to Love

The fifth key to building self-esteem is the ability to love. The commandment given by the Savior was to love others and yourself.3 Am I secure enough in my love of myself to laugh at myself, to admit mistakes, to graciously accept a compliment? Am I secure in my love of others to smile and say hello to a perfect stranger?

Years ago in seminary, our class was taught:

I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know;

I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men’s respect;

I never can hide myself from me,
I see what others may never see,

I never can fool myself—and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.4

Sixth: Love of God

The sixth and most essential key to self-esteem is the love of God. King Benjamin reminds us, “How knoweth a man the master whom he has not served . . . ?” (Mosiah 5:13). In Paul’s epistle to Titus he reminds us that there are many who “profess that they know God; but in works they deny him” (Titus 1:16).

The Apostle John gives us a valuable key: “And hereby we know that he abideth in us, by the Spirit which he hath given us” (1 John 3:24).

John makes an important point about obedience when he states: “And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments.

“He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him” (1 John 2:3–4).

There are many whose self-esteem has been so devastated by the loss of loved ones, by divorce, or by other personal misfortunes. Some carry an extra burden of guilt from grievous sins. Transgression is so devastating to self-esteem. After transgression so often comes rationalization and even lying. This is what makes justice so violent to the offender.

Fortunately we have the great principle of repentance whereby sins that are “as scarlet” can become “white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18). I am grateful for this principle and pray no one will hesitate to find the peace that comes from repentance. It is important to remember and never forget that all of us, male and female, were created in the image of God and created by God. Mankind is the noblest of all creations.

“What is man,” asked the Psalmist, “that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?

“For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.

“Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet” (Psalm 8:4–6).

Frequently in my ministry as I have set apart a stake president or a mission president, the distinct impression has come to me that the person upon whose head I have laid my hands was foreordained to that calling. The prophet Jeremiah had this assurance come to him from the Lord: “Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5).

All of us are not called to leadership in the kingdom. Yet is there a greater work than that of being a teacher, father, mother? So it is that nobody is a nobody. The seeds of divinity are in all of us. The day will come when we will all have to account to God for what we have done with that portion of divinity that is within us.

It is a lovely evening, and it would be nice for you young people to have some time to spend with each other, so I’m going to conclude. I want to teach you something else that I taught the General Authorities in conference—meetings do not have to be endless to be eternal.

I testify that God loves each of us—warts and all. I testify that he knows each of our names. I testify that each of us has a potential in this life and beyond the grave that exceeds our fondest dreams. I testify through the gifts of the Holy Spirit that we are engaged in His holy work.

And I wish to invoke an apostolic blessing of heaven upon all of you and pray that we may come to know who we truly are, the sons and daughters of God. The blessing I should like to invoke upon you is the blessing that the Lord gave to Nephi, but I’m going to substitute each of your names, Bill and Henry and Katherine and Ellen, all of you, each one of you:

“Blessed art thou, [Bill and Henry and all of you], for those things which thou hast done; for I have beheld how thou hast with unwearyingness declared the word, which I have given unto thee, unto this people. And thou hast not feared them, and hast not sought thine own life, but hast sought my will, and to keep my commandments.” Now here comes the blessing: “Because thou hast done this with such unwearyingness, behold, I will bless thee forever; and I will make thee mighty in word and in deed, in faith and in works” (Helaman 10:4–5). In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Maybe I am...

Ready to bleed.

Ready to address the issues which have been pushed down into the darkest, deepest part of me...

Its time to dust myself completly, like spring cleaning.

I'm nervous.
But I am ready.
And willing.

Lonely

I can barely bring myself to smile these days.
When I go to bed the emotions flow,
I am lonely.

No, not just your regular "oh man, today was off, tomorrow it will be better".
Im talking the one that grabs your heart,
and echos the pains through your chest.

This is the meaning of being lonely.

Lonely despite the billions of people in the world.
Lonely despite being constantly surrounded by friends or family.

I miss the better days.
I miss the people I was close to.

I wish I had someone to hug me and hold me tightly so I dont fall into the million peices I am tempted to...

I just want someone to care.

But I will never say it. I will never admit it.

Friends...

Be careful what you do with what you have learned.
Something simple like words is insufficent.
If you say something and mean it, then act like it.

A friendship is something special, something to be fought for.
It is much like a garden, it needs the weeds picked, and it needs to be watered.
Or else the flowers begin to wilt, and bend their heads to help the tears to fall more easily as to prevent as much pain as possible.

What else matters when you will end up alone because you never reach out when others call your name?

Prove yourself. I just need TIME.

A long time.

I try to sit next to my youngest brother, in control of my emotions.
I am trying not to cry.

Things are just hard.

I cannot sit in one aptitude for so long. I need out. I need to see other people. I need to not feel alone.

Which is quite hard to accomplish. I can be surrounded by a thousand people and feel as lonely as ever.

It is just hard sometimes.

Goals and dreams

My life has been...well, honestly a mess. And it still is, in some areas, although, putting it that way makes it sound like they're only small areas, but they feel and look like really big parts of my life; and I am sure most would agree if they really knew.

The negative parts in my life have done well blurring my vision and stealing and hiding my goals and dreams. After last night, I awoke to a glimpse of hope.

So here is my list so I don't forget.

I want to move out of Utah. Preferably to Michigan, at least for 3 months.
I want to have a job by the end of January.
I want to bike to Cedar either this summer or next.
I want to travel, next year, I want to go to Italy. And New York. And Brasil.
In 2010, I want to lose 150 pounds, minimum. This year is the year to focus on ME. To start loving ME. Discovering ME.
In 2011, whatever remains of my weight, I want to lose 75 pounds.
I want to start dating. Looking for a husband.
I want to start dancing-alot more.
I want to stay moved out of my parents house.
I want to be an EFY counselor every summer, at least once.
I want to stay caught up on homework.
I want to be more temple worthy than I am now.
I want to have a better relationship with everyone in my family.
I want to always feel as hopeful as I do today.
I want to start fighting again, and begin my career in fighting.
I want to graduate from the LDSBC and begin taking fashion classes from SLCC.
I want to adopt a dog.
I want to go on a full blown shopping spree, and a photo shoot with Shaina.
I want to be more mentally healthy.
I want to have a few hundred saved for a rainy day.
I want to pay off all my debt.
One I lose all my weight I want to have a full body tuck, and lipo on my neck and chin.
I want to change someones life for the better.
I want to buy someones Christmas groceries.

There is more I want to write, but in order to keep my new goal, I have to go work on homework.

Better

i deserve better than what you offer.
i have given all i have to make you happy.
i have respected your wishes.

in return you forget me,
patronize me,
use me.

you dont respect me enough to listen to my wishes.
i am not some conveinant hotel you can check into when you are on some whim.
i want to feel needed.

you used to make me feel that way.
when i bring it up to you, you apologize.
again, i have to start things up.
and then you are quick to forget.
and do it again.

fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

What I heard you say...

I wont make time for you. Something else is more important.
I told you one thing, now I will tell you another.
I wont stay around you. *insert excuse here*
BUT.

Again, some other things are more important than you. You are just a conveinance.
Im just not that into you anymore.
Get over it, there is something you can do right?

Sunday..oh the joy that will come!!

Sunday, I will see my best friend Shaina!! I have not seen her since May. Tragic, yes I know. I have missed her immensely and dearly. I am very excited, busily c,eaning and rushing around to provide her with as much of me as i can.

I still have my papers in English to write, and a job to find-then bills to pay. Joy.

Hypocrisy from those we call friends.

I do not appreciate being patronized by kind acts to my face, and behind my back you talk about me as if I am some evil thing. I do not like how you take what I love and cannot stand to share, one day you will realize your own insignificance.

You pretend to genuinely care, but I know the truth.

Politeness is the biggest sign of hypocrisy, which is something you are very fluent in.

You are selfish and do not care for the well beings of those whom you call "friends". I tried being nice to you, I tried reaching out to you, yet you pushed away, and while I had my eyes turned to helping you, you went behind my back and began working against me.

Surely everyone has sorrow, but you...you...you are evil.

But no worries, I can do fine on my own, I don't need you, or your "friendship", falsely given. I do not want my chances jeopardized by your influence. If it were up to you, I know how it would be.

I no longer want you as a part of my life, but I am thus obligated. Vindictive much?

I will eventually get what I want...I am not going anywhere.

A good question...

where do dreams go when they die...or rather, become lost? Is there a place for them to go? Or do they never leave the person, but they are just buried underneath the more negativity's of life?

I am searching for mine. I know the elementary answer, but I want more than that.
I need more than that-for it is essential to my happiness.

I just wanted to say that I really love the smell of soap. By the way. Totally random, but I do!!

The Wilson's way

Ever wonder how a true Wilson ushers in the New Year? Let me tell you how I did mine.

Yesterday, I took my bed apart, because its frame broke. It took us 6 hours. By then I really was no longer wanting to fix my bed for the night. We had potatoe, bacon, brocholli and ham soup for dinner. Originally its just supposed to be potatoes and bacon.

Anyways, my mom being the bacon addict she is, poured herself a big heaping of potatoe BACON soup, while my papa and I got something more along the lines of HAM and potatoe soup. There was enough ham for every bite.

Ew.

Honey glazed ham with potatoe soup..not the best mixture. Smart one mom.

Chad had been feeling dizzy and light headed all day, I had sat up stairs watching AFV and Burn Notice with him throughout a majority of the afternoon. Justin was more than excited to go to the Jensen's home, a local family in my old home ward; against many requests he still made the call and ended up dragging sick Chad and a concerned mother along.

I had not showered nor gotten ready enough to even appear acceptable. So I stayed home with my papa, we watched Aliens Vs. Monsters. It was a pretty good movie. During the middle of the movie, Chad and Mom came home, Chad was feeling pretty bad, and went to bed, having had vertigo in June last year, I offered what advice I could to help keep the dizziness at bay.

I feel terrible for the poor kid. It is utterly miserable.

We finished the movie, Justin was still gone. I decided it would be best to fall asleep and wake up about 10 minutes before the ball dropped...well, no one woke me up. Before I fell asleep out on the couch, my mother came out and was wanting to watch the news, Chad also came out for about half an hour and while my mother was not looking we would watch AFV.

They went to bed about 10:30.

I slept out on our living room couch. Bad idea.

About 15 minutes after midnight, and the New Year, I am awakened by the sound of Justin walking in and my papa walking in. Justin had complete disreguard for where I was sleeping and was fairly loud, and turned on the kitchen light which flowed gloriously into the livingroom only to disturb my "peaceful" rest even more.

I wake with kinks in places I should not have kinks. Its too cold for one hour and too hot the next. I miss my bed. A good dozen times or so, I tossed and turned, at one point I was so tired and frustrated I did a full turn from laying on my left to laying on my right then back to my left and back to the right.

I woke up about 6AM, to once again toss and turn until I found a place comfortable enough for a half hour. Nearly 2 minutes later, my cats in my room start crying for attention. I have spoiled them so much-way to go...



I get up to silence them, to make sure Chad and mom can sleep. I walk back into my room "ugh...what a mess." I go and quietly sit in the corner of the floor. I wonder what they want. Well, attention is sure to be something they want. So I think...my bed is covering their food and water...lets see if they are hungry...well of course they are-its wet food. Any time it comes down to that, they are hungry.

And now I sit here, tired, writing, never knowing if someone is going to read these posts.