no love

I sit in my room alone.

another fight. no surprise here.

i am tired of the air being rank with hypocrisy.

and my oppinion is quickly silenced because "she is always right"...then i am quick to be blamed for everything and i am the center of attention to have all my imperfections picked out and spotlighted and then critized. no wonder i dont tell you things.

whatever hold she is using on my "father" is not a fair one...he has never agreed with her to the extent he does now...honestly, suicide seems like a good way out right now. there is no consideration for my feelings.

suicide.

no more emotional torment.
no more worries about bills and such.
no more difficulites.

i wouldnt be missed. especially by people in this house, only for a day or two, then they would move on, find someone more better than me. but only chad and my father.
friends would move on-they have heir own lives, people to love them, more friends, more important people than things to worry about than me. there would be one less unemployeed, messed up person in this world.

the pressure to cry is building, i clench my jaw to prevent the hurt from falling from behind my eyes. i have no one to wipe them or catch them. like i said, alienated.

life is hard enough...why does she have to complicate it even more?

i will never do this to my children. ever.
if i ever get there.

of course, i will probably wake up tomorrow...althuogh i dont want to...why must i go on in a battle i feel i am losing? are not the people you call "family" to make things easier?

well, i dont have that.
not even one.