The last time....

The last time this happened,

I was 17.
I woke to an unexpected call, where I missed all the signs.
I rushed, I cried, made him promise me a promise he cant entirely control.
I watched him nearly die, I watched them put him in the ambulence.
I woke early everday, I was drained in every aspect a person can be.
I went back and forth, it was all I thought about. I lived in the hospital for 3 months.

Time after time, we repeated the process...we are no longer strangers to the hospitals, or 911 - their on my speed dial.

Now, as we prepare to watch my papa undergo the same surgery, every past experience replays through my mind, vividly.
Now my dreams have turned into nightmares, a repeat of the past, except worse.
Now I'm not ready. I dont want to have face that possibility again.

I dont think I am strong enough.

Now I am sick, now I dont eat, I dont sleep. I see his body laying in a casket every time lay to sleep.

For today, reality is better than my dreams, although, reality is hard to deal with.

God will have His way. He is over all. Eternal perspective is what I try to remember.
I guess if one feels weak, and wants to be better - God will give us the trials, disappointments and tribulations that will make us grow. Apparently He trusts me ALOT, and has hit my inadequacy's and fears and brought them to the light. I should be a little more careful what I ask for next time...

Only one knows howo I feel, and that is who will get me by. All I know I can do is pray, fast, and hope. No one can take away my hope and faith. I just need to not take counsel from my fears.