Reliving fears

I remember everything so clearly.

My papa called me 15 minutes before my usual time to wake up, at 4:30

It was about 6:00AM, I always had to wake up significantly earlier than I wanted due to my recent knee surgery. It took me 3 hours to get ready for high school, I was already a month behind in all my homework and was struggling to catch up, it was senior year, and I wanted to make sure I had the best grades at graduation.

I had just finished my make up when my mother came in and asked me when I would be done. Of course, being a girl, unless it was rather important, I would be taking my time. I told her "well, depends what it is..." she told me she believed my papa was having a heart attack and needed me to drive him to the hospital.

That changed everything, I would be ready in 3 minutes or less. I no longer care what I looked like, I pulled my hair into a ponytail and ran downstairs.

My papa was in his bed, and I rushed over to help him up, he too had just had knee surgery, and was on crutch's. I got him up and helped him to the bathroom, he didn't use his crutches, it was too hard for him. I waited for him to finish, and when the door opened, he could barely make it to the computer chair 3 feet from him before he collapsed.

He passed out once, and started having seizures. He stopped and slowly woke up then quickly once again, repeated. I was crying uncontrollably now, as my mother ran down and yelled for both of my little brothers to come quickly, Chad came down the stairs, Justin from his room down the hall. Chad was crying, Justin went up to comfort him, my mother was on the phone with 911 and I was holding my father up as much as I could, when he woke another time, I made him promise me something.

Grasping at anything I could to keep him with me, I choked out "papa, promise me you will be at my wedding" and he said he would. My mind rushed through what were the last things I had said to my papa, and I had told him that I loved him, that I was sure of.

Waiting those 5 minutes for the ambulance to come to our home were the longest, most terrifying moments of my life.

They arrived and eventually got my papa into the ambulance. I rode with my papa to the hospital, I wasn't allowed in the back of the ambulance where my papa was, I rode shot gun to the hospital, the driver tried consoling me through my silence and quiet sobs, I kept checking back through the tiny window until we arrived at the hospital.

We stayed in the ER for hours, they hooked my papa up to machines, and took him off for testing. My world was crashing down all around me. We waited,and waited....for what seemed to be forever. The doctor finally came and told us my papa had numerous blood clots in his heart and lungs.

The whole next week, I woke up an hour earlier than I had been, and would go visit my papa in the hospital with every free moment I had. We brought him home, and the next day we were back in the ER again. He stayed another couple of days. And released him again, an within the month he was back again, and staying a couple more days, then he as released once more.

Doctors visits, therapy...it all was a blur. I am surprised I made it through, I felt and still feel weak at the thought.

My papa is having the same surgery, except this time, it will be on his other knee....I cat help but replay the same scenario in my head, but more extreme for this upcoming surgery this Wednesday. Fear, worry, sadness, guilt, nerves...

It weighs heavily on my mind.
It creates a burdened soul, that is quickly crumbling under the pressure.
I need to be hugged to be kept together.

It is up to me to be the one in the family to be strong, I am oldest, I am the one my family will have to lean on, so my pain, my fear, my loneliness must all be silenced for that of my family. Oh, the weight of the world is once again mine to bear. And I don't mind, it is just hard. Very hard. What an understatement.

I don't say goodbyes, but what if I am forced?

I am already exhausted and weak. I dont know if I am strong enough to handle this.

The nightmare is reoccurring....lets hope my reality stays better than my dreams.