Stranger

I hate this feeling-we have been [best] friends for so long, and now...something feels like its missing, and I cant find it. Its driving me crazy.

When-why-how did things change? I should have guessed that things were changing, winter was coming, when the phone calls stopped, and I never got any new messages from you, when you stopped "having time" to play with me, and you stopped taking pictures with me.
We used to talk of dreams, hopes, the future we wanted,-the future that both of us wanted each other in. I still want you in mine. But I don't think you care if I'm not in yours. Its clear in my head, the screaming you hear is coming from my honest heart-am I loud and clear? Its hard to say. Do you hear my message?

I cant collect myself together to call to face you-I would waste my time chasing after you anyways, you never answer. I fear I will fall apart in your arms as I used to, except now, you will walk and leave the room.

Now we rarely talk, and when we do its of the small, insignificant things in life, weather, or there is awkward silence. Short 2 minute phone calls that I initiate... You "don't have the time", while I see you out with another. Or you "don't want to", [with me], but with her you do. Push me away, but don't patronize me, while I really know whats going on. I don't want to know how you are when everything you talk about is them, while my name never leaves your lips.

Its hard, you know that. You know me; after hours of phone calls, many late nights filled with giggles, and even some tears, in your living room, on the couch where we talked about everything, and anything, we even sat in comfortable silence. Countless drives and talks about things people rarely talk about, numerous sleepovers, little adventures to the smallest, secluded places near us...we left this world in each others presence. We used to laugh in the stores, watching people, finding things of humor. You know I don't let people in, you know its hard for me to trust, you know I'm reluctant to let go, I'm not good at saying good byes.

I don't know if I should simply just let this go, or is this worth fighting for? I don't want to fight, while your walking away. I am left here standing alone, wondering what happened, where you went, while you have strayed from the path we were on, and found the new attractions, they shine and twinkle, while you have grown too used to mine. I haven't changed, I'm still me. I question my sanity...am I just jealous, am I overreacting? Or is it a real feeling of separation. We know each other too well, we're "growing up". I'm not in denial.

I don't want you to know that you are causing pain, and costing me tears. You used to come when I cried, to wipe my tears, now your the cause. I want to get over this, past this-and I cant wait for that day; but in a tragic way, I don't want to be over it. Over you. I still want you in my life. I will have my withdrawals, and you will have to forgive me for my falls, I will sober myself from you, and my withdrawals from you will be sudden, and quick, just ignore them. I will eventually reach a point where you are out of my system and I wont need you anymore. I cant be around you now, or I will become intoxicated, I have to ween myself off you. I will need a long rehab-as they say any relationship your in, will take just as long to get over. I have known you almost 10 years, the next 10 years are going to be hard... These are the ones I wanted you to be here with me the most, when I get married, have kids, live my dreams. But you don't care to be there. I cannot bring myself to hate you, or make myself angry enough with you to make me forget you. Nothing will ever make me forget you.

I am fading into your background, your still on mine. I have hundreds of photographs with you, of you, and I browse through them, every one a special memory. I drive somewhere, and I remember the time when we did this and the time we did that. We have had times I wouldn't trade for the world. I don't get how you could hurt me so, you must know. But maybe you don't, since I have become invisible to you eyes, and you forgot me. Maybe you forgot all of me.

I don't want to be a "lingering memory", this feels like a drag. I want to work this out, but your not going to change. The feeling just isn't the same anymore. I smile as I hear your name, but its my heart that's breaking. Knowing nothing is better than knowing anything at all-its not realistic, it hasn't set in, that I'm desperate, and I am losing this fight, I cant bridge the distance. Its lonesome, when someone has your heart and they set it down as they run to pick up the new shiny toy, and when I look for my heart, I cant find it.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
--Mark Twain

Those 3 words are used far too lightly too often. Some people fight for love, they don't want to give it up, even though it may be a labor. I am saying I miss "you". The memories we have will remain ever the same, a comfort at times, and others, they will cause a great emptiness inside of me. I'm alienated from you but I love you, and always will; you always have a place in my heart...although I doubt you will visit. I miss you and want you back in my world again, you helped me get by, remember when my papa was in the hospital around the holidays and you still came just to hold me as I cried, and almost died of fear and exhaustion myself from the life I was living? Remember the pictures we would take in the sun as we played in the park? And when we would drive into the city, and visit my favorite place-while we did illegal, crazy things? Remember our hour drives around our homes just so we could talk about things alone. I lost the signal, I'm searching for you-don't know what happened, it just happened.

Your forever and a day away, but only a 15 minute drive away. I wont change my number, just for you. I'm home sick for the one I used to know. I will just have to treat this pain away with remaining unanswered questions. I have to unwrite these pages, start a new life without you, as we go our separate ways, against my will.

I want to believe in you, believe all the promises made-you make it so hard to do. Everyday its getting worse. Whats the point in making plans, you break all the ones we do. I don't ask for much, yet you give nothing.

My heart cannot shield itself from you, I am weak to your presence. I love you. My heart is tenderly beating when you come around, please don't, stay far away, continue the path you are on now, I will stay on ours, but don't walk on my heart with your shoes, they were made with spikes-and I don't have a hard heart, not for you.

Nothing will relieve this dysfunctional and unsystematic routine, I don't know who you are..there will not be a happy medium.