Alot on my mind....

I really have had alot of thinking going on in my mind. I am satisfied to have been writing all my feelings and thoughts lately. I find great consolment as I do.

I had a miracle today, I must share.

My heart has been longing for my Shaina, I miss her. My heart is aching for her, to be with her, to help her (in what way I possibly can). I love her.

Why it is so difficult on us to watch those who we love suffer? Is it true in all cases that is hurts us more than they? Yes, I believe so, as the heart bears burden, when it sees another hurting as it has before, it wants to ease the pain it sees. But yet that pain is untouchable.

It is imperative for my sanity to visit with her. Hold her hand, hug her, and squeeze as much pain as I can from her wrenched heart.

I was talking with my cousin today, Jaylee. She is driving down Friday morning, and will be taking me down. Otherwise I would not have been able to see the most amazing woman I know. We will be coming back down Saturday morning, and that will give me the fix, however, I fear my visit, as short as it is, will leave me wanting.

When someone is so good to you, it is unfair to watch them suffer.

Shaina, I love you. Be strong, and don't give up. Let me carry you this time...I beg it of you.

Let this be over your head, but under your feet with me underneath you, beside you. I cannot stand still - I cant be there now [physically] but I am always just a text or a call away. I cannot allow anything to keep me from being attentive to your call.

I will keep waiting for the next day...hold on. We both have collapsed at each others feet, seems more I than you. My world has seemingly broken, shattered into a million pieces taking my heart with it, yet, in your skill and tender love have picked me up, brushed me off, set me on your back, and picked up the pieces and put them together for me; even while you have carried the weight of the world. I wish I had your strength. So I will try.

You say your OK. You are a bad liar as am I. Forgiving me for prying, for nudging. But as a dog doesnt want to leave its owner, I cannot and will not leave you. You are irrevocable.

My super hero, you need to allow me to save you; however, if you allow me to, I will forever be indebted to you, as I can never repay you for the miracles you have brought my way. My heart, my heart that is deep down is screaming otherwise. Its been heavy on my mind, especially lately. Its OK. We will have the cry we both need when I get there. But smiles will follow with laughter. How wonderful you are. Your beauty is captivating. It will happen, weather it takes a day or 10 years, although I know you prefer the former, as you have told me, God does not abandon us, (although in my situation, I have given him every good reason to) yet he ceases to leave and will never leave us.

There is always a mountain love. Is not how fast you get to the other side. The climb is what matters, let me help you, let me climb with you. If you fall we may fall together, or I will come and get you.

You know when a person is hooked up to a machine in the hospital? The one that takes your heart beats...well it is not good when a person flat-lines...its the lines the raise up and fall down that allow you to know your OK. Life is the same. Life would be far more than redundantly boring and scary if we flat-lined.

Remember, although the only weak, powerless, emasculated, unscrupulous villainous words I can say to even try to begin to explain how much I love you are "I LOVE YOU", dont ever doubt or forget their depth. They give you all access to me, my heart. I am to your disposal. I love you friend, sister, hero, examplar, inspiration, love, sweetness. How great you are, and what a darling blessing, miracle you are for me. Thank you. Words are inaccurate of my feelings for you. Xoxox (times) the biggest number known to man!