Is there really a wrong side of the bed?

I don't know where to begin, but again, when I write, just write, force my fingers to find the letters on the keyboard, I find what my head is wanting to write.

Against my own will I stand beside my own reflection. Its haunting. I have been here before. It seems like every step I take forward, leads me two steps back. I pray for the strength to just stand up. Change is hard, I am figuring it out again. Fall and fall, but I have done this before, I will fix it, I don't want it this way. I know I can. I hate how I live stupidly, I learn lessons but seem to quickly forget. Even with that which is big and of great importance. I claim never, never again, but I trip and quickly stumble to fall to the ground. I have been here too long, its time to move again. Why do I keep allowing myself to step into the danger, and fall into unhappiness. I am tired of being sorry, I am tired of failing. I am tired of giving up, not being strong, I am tired of being a disappointment and waking in the morning only to hate myself. I want to be better.

I am disgusted at what people say about friends. Friendship has become a loosely used term, also like those special 3 once hallowed words. Friend is an action word, look it up.
I hate the feeling that you are loosing a once close friend, that time, distance, life is ripping you apart. It feels so different, what happened? They say forever, in my life, "forever" doesn't last long.I try and try to make them happy, to love them, spend time with them. I would do anything for the people I love. Yet, there is only one of the few I consider to be my friends that truly meant it.
Fine, don't be as devoted to me. That is fine, but don't just simply "toss me out". I don't ask for much. Time, you. That's all.
I hate and love pictures, they remind me of the good times I have had in my life, how special the people in them are to me. But I hate how they remind me when I lack what I used to have. It is ironically and unfortunately true, "we ignore those adore us, and adore those who ignore us." Its sad to watch them, more like feel them falling away, they get distracted by those amusing, new, shiny, and they stop calling you, stop talking with you, stop meeting with you. And your no longer remembered. I want you to be interested in me, what I am doing. I want you there in my life for the big moments like when I get married, when I have kids, when I buy my first house. And the small moments like when I just want to do lunch with you because I can, or the phone calls we promised to make. I want to play in the park with you, and take photos, silly and serious, beautiful and ridiculous. I want to hear whats new in your life, what your doing, your goals and dreams; I want to talk like we used to, about everything and anything, and then all of the stuff in between. I want to matter. I want times that I wouldn't trade for the world. I want you to call me instead of_____(fill in the blank). I remember when it was me. I took your words, and believed you. I don't want to feel like you have abandoned and deserted me. I don't want to beg for you to stay. But don't patronize me. My heart has become too fragile through this cold world, and this long journey to tolerate much more now. I am not that strong.

"Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache: do be my enemy for friendship's sake." -William Blake

If not, I will just keep your memory locked into my heart until the pain, and memory fades with time. Because one does not fade without the other. I pray that you'll never know.

Days like these, I can do without longing for a man. I am simply disappointed, not to my surprise. Yet again. It is frustrating to keep waiting, putting yourself out there, and standing in the rain alone, waiting for the bus to come, and everyone else has someone and an umbrella and a ticket. I lack all of these.
Today I don't care. I just want to sit in the rain. I will let everything pass me by. I am tired of "almost lovers".

Take a piece of my heart here and there, soon, I wont have a heart, or I will have a damaged heart. If I give you part of me, either take it, and care for it, make it grow, otherwise, just decline it in the beginning.

I can close my eyes and dream...some wonderful, some I prefer to hide in the depths of me. I see the ones I love, surrounding me, I have my man, my children, I am accomplished, I live in the house I have always dreamt of; I have done all I want, been everything I want to be. Were all laughing, talking, like we did then, we are outside and the sun is shining, we are playing. Taking pictures with the camera we had then. We are enjoying life. Its not a battle anymore.

But that's why its my dream, because dreams are not reality, nor can they make a reality.

Call me bitter, depressed, cynical, whatever. I am not happy today. I want the sunshine to come back, I want the remote control to life, I want to just push buttons and fix my life. For once I want it to be easy.