After finals, or more half way through finals I finally have some time to pour my mind, and dispose of many lectures and thoughts that have been building in my brain.
I wish to speak of love, as it seems I go through seasons, I often wish I had one to love, and to be loved by, but I also have my opposite reasoning of why I should not; and writing what I feel seems to take the sting of emotion from me. Even if for but just a moment.
It is frustrating not being in a relationship, while I watch friends, acquaintances, strangers walk and talk with their lovers, I cant help but envy what I don't have. But is that not what we all do? We want what we don't have, and take for granted that which we do. It seems like everyone already has someone and I missed out. I feel as if I am a child looking through the glass at the candy store. I cant touch it. And I dont understand why I am so stuck on this dream.
I am glad I am not alone in this journey to find the one who I will spend the rest of my life with. It is tedious work, to be single and taken. Currently I would rather deal with being taken than the former. I am happily single, but would be more happy if I were taken. Its a tragedy we spend our life time trying to find that someone who we should be spending our life time with...
I am unsure if I am afraid of commitment, I thought only men were terrified of it. I will try to figure this out on my own. I want to completely spill my thoughts and dispose of them.
Why I want to be in a relationship:
There seem to be several reasons. I love having someone to cuddle with, my sole love to spend time with, someone to claim as my own, and be claimed as theirs. I love the happiness love brings, it makes change easier. Which is wonderful to me, as change frightens me, to my core. I am afraid of losing, losing everything, and anything. I want to be excited in the morning as I wake, waiting to hear from that one person. The high love brings cannot be obtained from any other source known by man. I want that high, I long for it. Love is exciting, always.
Maybe because I have chosen to stay single for so long, I am tired of it. As I said love brings change. Courage to love. I want to kiss someone and not worry about them taking off after. I want to feel protected, secure, sure, loved. It is not difficult to please me.
Surrounded by love songs, romantic movies, and the excitment of the summer season calls to me to follow with everyone and take the walk. I want someone to be happy to have me. I want to be excited to see the future, find flowers sent to me. I want to be thought about as much as I think about them. I want a peice of their heart, and I want to give someone mine. I want to be lost in love. I want to hold hands and kiss in public. I want to be appreciated and appreciate them. I want to be their all, their world.
Why I am reluctant to be in a relationship:
I do not want to abandon love. I barely have time for myself, and those whom I already love in my life. I do my best to make sure I tell them I love them, this is so important to me. Speaking what you feel for others is so important. When you watch someone you love almost die, and you sincerely think about the questions about what was the last thing that person heard you say, it terrifies you that you may have not told them how much you love them, and appreciate them. How much they mean to you, what they have done for you in your life. Say what you need to say. I think it is better to take the jump and fall rather to sit idly by and watch life pass you by. That is a bitterly awful way to live life. Even worse to run away from life itself.
I also do question, if I would, could be good enough for them. I want to give someone the world. Maybe I give myself high expectations, but I would rather aim high and fall, then aim too low, and hate myself in the morning. No commitment is OK for some. It is the thrill of the chase. But when your doing all the chasing, it gets rather boring, redundant, tiring. I want to be pursued as well. It takes 100% and 100%. I don't want to be hurt. Nor do I wish to hurt someone I love, have loved. No one deserves to have a hurting, broken heart.
Maybe I am picky...too picky. ?
There is no prospects in my life, although I wish that there were. My love life, rather, the lack of, seems to mock me. Love is a hell of price to pay. The question is, am I willing to pay it? My offer currently stands as yes.
But who knows, tomorrow may come and change. Or it may bring who I am looking for, or someone to help me get there.
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