Death

She is dying everyday.

I didn't get that.

Everyday she has pain, unexplained, she cant find no one to fix what is wrong with her. Is it meant for her to slowly die everyday? I cant help her, no one, nothing can. I feel like she is already leaving. I want her to go. She has done good, but then I don't. I want her here. I want to fix everything I have done. She used to say "your going to kill me", when I was mad, hurt. And I didn't get that she meant it literally. I'm stuck with my mistakes. I'm sorry I am not enough. That I was as bad as I was. I left a sour taste in your mouth. There is so much to apologize for.

want to have the type of relationships with her as all my friends have with their mom's. I want to talk with her because were friends. I want to shop with her, laugh and talk with her. What if I don't get that chance?? I have already experienced that "what if" once, I don't like thinking about it, I don't want to...I don't want to experience it again. I might break.

I cant but help like freely driving into nowhere, I just want to disappear to where no one will find me. I want to be alone (which is a very rare occasion). I just want to stop caring, that way I wont get hurt, because I cant. I want to just leave everything I hold, and drop it, run away. Drive somewhere beautiful, where nothing matters, your heart is free from everything everyday brings. My hearts beats slower, and cannot deal with the weight of everyday. I want to just leave unplanned and see where I end up. I long for an adventure. A careless one. I just want to live. I'm half of who I thought I would be.

But I cant, I have to be here. For her. For them. I have to be strong. Make sure her place is filled, that is intimidating. I have to make sure everything stays in place. Fake it until I make it. Perfection will never come.

I just need a cold, dark night, once I sleep, dreams will come and hide reality. Morning and a new light will make my heart beat harder, faster, lighter. Night is frightful, quiet, lonely. There will be tears shed tonight. Sleep is my hero. I wont feel anymore. And the light on my face will awake something new. I dont mind sacrificing. But I cant figure out why it is so hard for me to talk with her and tell her how I feel.