Stranger

I hate this feeling-we have been [best] friends for so long, and now...something feels like its missing, and I cant find it. Its driving me crazy.

When-why-how did things change? I should have guessed that things were changing, winter was coming, when the phone calls stopped, and I never got any new messages from you, when you stopped "having time" to play with me, and you stopped taking pictures with me.
We used to talk of dreams, hopes, the future we wanted,-the future that both of us wanted each other in. I still want you in mine. But I don't think you care if I'm not in yours. Its clear in my head, the screaming you hear is coming from my honest heart-am I loud and clear? Its hard to say. Do you hear my message?

I cant collect myself together to call to face you-I would waste my time chasing after you anyways, you never answer. I fear I will fall apart in your arms as I used to, except now, you will walk and leave the room.

Now we rarely talk, and when we do its of the small, insignificant things in life, weather, or there is awkward silence. Short 2 minute phone calls that I initiate... You "don't have the time", while I see you out with another. Or you "don't want to", [with me], but with her you do. Push me away, but don't patronize me, while I really know whats going on. I don't want to know how you are when everything you talk about is them, while my name never leaves your lips.

Its hard, you know that. You know me; after hours of phone calls, many late nights filled with giggles, and even some tears, in your living room, on the couch where we talked about everything, and anything, we even sat in comfortable silence. Countless drives and talks about things people rarely talk about, numerous sleepovers, little adventures to the smallest, secluded places near us...we left this world in each others presence. We used to laugh in the stores, watching people, finding things of humor. You know I don't let people in, you know its hard for me to trust, you know I'm reluctant to let go, I'm not good at saying good byes.

I don't know if I should simply just let this go, or is this worth fighting for? I don't want to fight, while your walking away. I am left here standing alone, wondering what happened, where you went, while you have strayed from the path we were on, and found the new attractions, they shine and twinkle, while you have grown too used to mine. I haven't changed, I'm still me. I question my sanity...am I just jealous, am I overreacting? Or is it a real feeling of separation. We know each other too well, we're "growing up". I'm not in denial.

I don't want you to know that you are causing pain, and costing me tears. You used to come when I cried, to wipe my tears, now your the cause. I want to get over this, past this-and I cant wait for that day; but in a tragic way, I don't want to be over it. Over you. I still want you in my life. I will have my withdrawals, and you will have to forgive me for my falls, I will sober myself from you, and my withdrawals from you will be sudden, and quick, just ignore them. I will eventually reach a point where you are out of my system and I wont need you anymore. I cant be around you now, or I will become intoxicated, I have to ween myself off you. I will need a long rehab-as they say any relationship your in, will take just as long to get over. I have known you almost 10 years, the next 10 years are going to be hard... These are the ones I wanted you to be here with me the most, when I get married, have kids, live my dreams. But you don't care to be there. I cannot bring myself to hate you, or make myself angry enough with you to make me forget you. Nothing will ever make me forget you.

I am fading into your background, your still on mine. I have hundreds of photographs with you, of you, and I browse through them, every one a special memory. I drive somewhere, and I remember the time when we did this and the time we did that. We have had times I wouldn't trade for the world. I don't get how you could hurt me so, you must know. But maybe you don't, since I have become invisible to you eyes, and you forgot me. Maybe you forgot all of me.

I don't want to be a "lingering memory", this feels like a drag. I want to work this out, but your not going to change. The feeling just isn't the same anymore. I smile as I hear your name, but its my heart that's breaking. Knowing nothing is better than knowing anything at all-its not realistic, it hasn't set in, that I'm desperate, and I am losing this fight, I cant bridge the distance. Its lonesome, when someone has your heart and they set it down as they run to pick up the new shiny toy, and when I look for my heart, I cant find it.

"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
--Mark Twain

Those 3 words are used far too lightly too often. Some people fight for love, they don't want to give it up, even though it may be a labor. I am saying I miss "you". The memories we have will remain ever the same, a comfort at times, and others, they will cause a great emptiness inside of me. I'm alienated from you but I love you, and always will; you always have a place in my heart...although I doubt you will visit. I miss you and want you back in my world again, you helped me get by, remember when my papa was in the hospital around the holidays and you still came just to hold me as I cried, and almost died of fear and exhaustion myself from the life I was living? Remember the pictures we would take in the sun as we played in the park? And when we would drive into the city, and visit my favorite place-while we did illegal, crazy things? Remember our hour drives around our homes just so we could talk about things alone. I lost the signal, I'm searching for you-don't know what happened, it just happened.

Your forever and a day away, but only a 15 minute drive away. I wont change my number, just for you. I'm home sick for the one I used to know. I will just have to treat this pain away with remaining unanswered questions. I have to unwrite these pages, start a new life without you, as we go our separate ways, against my will.

I want to believe in you, believe all the promises made-you make it so hard to do. Everyday its getting worse. Whats the point in making plans, you break all the ones we do. I don't ask for much, yet you give nothing.

My heart cannot shield itself from you, I am weak to your presence. I love you. My heart is tenderly beating when you come around, please don't, stay far away, continue the path you are on now, I will stay on ours, but don't walk on my heart with your shoes, they were made with spikes-and I don't have a hard heart, not for you.

Nothing will relieve this dysfunctional and unsystematic routine, I don't know who you are..there will not be a happy medium.

Missing you

It has been too long since I have heard you speak, too long since my eyes have been relived by your sweet face, too long since I have felt your strong, yet oh so tender touch and warm embrace.
I wish the world was smaller tonight, I wish that the sunshine would stay. I wish my lips and tongue could talk the words, no matter how little or how less to bring comforting words to console your troubled heart. I wish I could be your shoulder to cry on, the hand that wipes away the many tears you cry.
I replay the message you last left me on my answering machine. I keep browsing through the pictures we have together.

I cannot write any longer, as I am being overcome with emotions of past and present, and hopeful future.

Frustrated

So, upon my arrival tonight at my instructors gym I walked into the gym, and NO one was there. I am tired of going to train, and get better, learn new things and fight, and having NO one to fight with. Punching bags will only do so much. They don't fight back.

And I am tired of having people being late, or simply just not showing up. I like, no I love fighting. It is my dream. It is so inconsiderate, so rude and disrespectful of my time. I have a life you know. I am sure my time is worth far more than theirs. They just party it up. Stupid.

If you really love something your willing to sacrifice to obtain your dream. And sacrifice I do.

I don't understand why they are so....incompetent to get that they need to stop messing around. I am so on my own on this.

My instructor, nothing against him when I say this, I just need to vent. He says one thing and does another. I am tired of being patronized. I am tired of "another time"....that is not a definite day. Hence it will never come. I hate this, so bad it is bothering me so much. I am tired of being stood up, waiting for my chance to come, when people who say they care, really don't.

I have always had to climb to the top on my own, forcing my way through the crowd. Slowly stepping my way up the ladder. It has always been a struggle; why did I think this would be any different? Excuse my cynical mood today. But for today, I don't care what I say I am tired of being polite, not saying "offensive" things. I am tired of not having anyone do for me. I just want whats fair.

Yes, he invests money in the studio, yes, he wants to have the best fighter. That is rude for the boys not to appreciate. But I invest my time, and my funds, what little I can afford. I hate this tonight. I'm just done.

Death

She is dying everyday.

I didn't get that.

Everyday she has pain, unexplained, she cant find no one to fix what is wrong with her. Is it meant for her to slowly die everyday? I cant help her, no one, nothing can. I feel like she is already leaving. I want her to go. She has done good, but then I don't. I want her here. I want to fix everything I have done. She used to say "your going to kill me", when I was mad, hurt. And I didn't get that she meant it literally. I'm stuck with my mistakes. I'm sorry I am not enough. That I was as bad as I was. I left a sour taste in your mouth. There is so much to apologize for.

want to have the type of relationships with her as all my friends have with their mom's. I want to talk with her because were friends. I want to shop with her, laugh and talk with her. What if I don't get that chance?? I have already experienced that "what if" once, I don't like thinking about it, I don't want to...I don't want to experience it again. I might break.

I cant but help like freely driving into nowhere, I just want to disappear to where no one will find me. I want to be alone (which is a very rare occasion). I just want to stop caring, that way I wont get hurt, because I cant. I want to just leave everything I hold, and drop it, run away. Drive somewhere beautiful, where nothing matters, your heart is free from everything everyday brings. My hearts beats slower, and cannot deal with the weight of everyday. I want to just leave unplanned and see where I end up. I long for an adventure. A careless one. I just want to live. I'm half of who I thought I would be.

But I cant, I have to be here. For her. For them. I have to be strong. Make sure her place is filled, that is intimidating. I have to make sure everything stays in place. Fake it until I make it. Perfection will never come.

I just need a cold, dark night, once I sleep, dreams will come and hide reality. Morning and a new light will make my heart beat harder, faster, lighter. Night is frightful, quiet, lonely. There will be tears shed tonight. Sleep is my hero. I wont feel anymore. And the light on my face will awake something new. I dont mind sacrificing. But I cant figure out why it is so hard for me to talk with her and tell her how I feel.

Is there really a wrong side of the bed?

I don't know where to begin, but again, when I write, just write, force my fingers to find the letters on the keyboard, I find what my head is wanting to write.

Against my own will I stand beside my own reflection. Its haunting. I have been here before. It seems like every step I take forward, leads me two steps back. I pray for the strength to just stand up. Change is hard, I am figuring it out again. Fall and fall, but I have done this before, I will fix it, I don't want it this way. I know I can. I hate how I live stupidly, I learn lessons but seem to quickly forget. Even with that which is big and of great importance. I claim never, never again, but I trip and quickly stumble to fall to the ground. I have been here too long, its time to move again. Why do I keep allowing myself to step into the danger, and fall into unhappiness. I am tired of being sorry, I am tired of failing. I am tired of giving up, not being strong, I am tired of being a disappointment and waking in the morning only to hate myself. I want to be better.

I am disgusted at what people say about friends. Friendship has become a loosely used term, also like those special 3 once hallowed words. Friend is an action word, look it up.
I hate the feeling that you are loosing a once close friend, that time, distance, life is ripping you apart. It feels so different, what happened? They say forever, in my life, "forever" doesn't last long.I try and try to make them happy, to love them, spend time with them. I would do anything for the people I love. Yet, there is only one of the few I consider to be my friends that truly meant it.
Fine, don't be as devoted to me. That is fine, but don't just simply "toss me out". I don't ask for much. Time, you. That's all.
I hate and love pictures, they remind me of the good times I have had in my life, how special the people in them are to me. But I hate how they remind me when I lack what I used to have. It is ironically and unfortunately true, "we ignore those adore us, and adore those who ignore us." Its sad to watch them, more like feel them falling away, they get distracted by those amusing, new, shiny, and they stop calling you, stop talking with you, stop meeting with you. And your no longer remembered. I want you to be interested in me, what I am doing. I want you there in my life for the big moments like when I get married, when I have kids, when I buy my first house. And the small moments like when I just want to do lunch with you because I can, or the phone calls we promised to make. I want to play in the park with you, and take photos, silly and serious, beautiful and ridiculous. I want to hear whats new in your life, what your doing, your goals and dreams; I want to talk like we used to, about everything and anything, and then all of the stuff in between. I want to matter. I want times that I wouldn't trade for the world. I want you to call me instead of_____(fill in the blank). I remember when it was me. I took your words, and believed you. I don't want to feel like you have abandoned and deserted me. I don't want to beg for you to stay. But don't patronize me. My heart has become too fragile through this cold world, and this long journey to tolerate much more now. I am not that strong.

"Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache: do be my enemy for friendship's sake." -William Blake

If not, I will just keep your memory locked into my heart until the pain, and memory fades with time. Because one does not fade without the other. I pray that you'll never know.

Days like these, I can do without longing for a man. I am simply disappointed, not to my surprise. Yet again. It is frustrating to keep waiting, putting yourself out there, and standing in the rain alone, waiting for the bus to come, and everyone else has someone and an umbrella and a ticket. I lack all of these.
Today I don't care. I just want to sit in the rain. I will let everything pass me by. I am tired of "almost lovers".

Take a piece of my heart here and there, soon, I wont have a heart, or I will have a damaged heart. If I give you part of me, either take it, and care for it, make it grow, otherwise, just decline it in the beginning.

I can close my eyes and dream...some wonderful, some I prefer to hide in the depths of me. I see the ones I love, surrounding me, I have my man, my children, I am accomplished, I live in the house I have always dreamt of; I have done all I want, been everything I want to be. Were all laughing, talking, like we did then, we are outside and the sun is shining, we are playing. Taking pictures with the camera we had then. We are enjoying life. Its not a battle anymore.

But that's why its my dream, because dreams are not reality, nor can they make a reality.

Call me bitter, depressed, cynical, whatever. I am not happy today. I want the sunshine to come back, I want the remote control to life, I want to just push buttons and fix my life. For once I want it to be easy.

Love games...

Since when did love become a game?

Why must we play hard to get, or throw ourselves on the person to be recognized?

Love means:

*a feeling of strong, selfless or constant regard for and dedication to someone;positive regard for something

*affection, attachment, devotedness, devotion, fondness, passion, appetite, favor, like, liking, partiality, preference, taste; craving, crush, desire, infatuation, longing, lust, yearning; ardor, eagerness, enthusiasm, fervor, zeal; esteem, regard, respect; adoration, idolatry, worship; allegiance, fealty, fidelity, loyalty

*delight (in), dig, enjoy, fancy, groove (on), like, relish, revel (in); admire, esteem, regard, respect, revere, reverence, venerate; enshrine, memorialize; adore, dote (on), idolize, worship, appreciate, cherish, prize, treasure, value

*a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties
*affection and tenderness felt by lovers
*affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests
*an assurance of love
*warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
*the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration
*a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment
*unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another:
*in love: inspired by affection

Although love is a feeling, an action, and not a word, nor an emotion to even dare to try to sum up with flimsy words, a combination of them, gives a fairly clear idea.

So, upon this thought, I cannot figure why love continues and insists on being a game. The heart is definitely something that is not to be tinkered with, for it has permanent effects, its changes forever, scars forever. Weather there is someone you are in love with, loved by, loving-friendship, family, a lover, anything.

People are afraid of breaking glass, losing money, but why not breaking a heart, or losing someone you love? A persons value is far greater than something that can be remade, despite the cost.

It is rather disturbing that we do not care, until someone is lying on their death bed, and then we realize how much we love them, need them, appreciate them. You begin to realize how their absence in your life will effect your every thought, your every act...Why do we find it so difficult to utter those 3 words in reverence and mean them? You don't have to wait around to say them until someone is in their casket, dead and gone, their body laying in the cold ground. That truely is tragic.

...

so.
i don't know what to say.
worse, even how to say it.

but my heart cannot stand remaining unwritten, the noise is building as time makes the scream louder...WRITE.

summer is here. its warm. it calls for the [excited and joyful, grown] child within my heart. yet i don't know if i can be both without missing one or the other. i am fully consumed by one, and they have yet to begin to share.
why must i stand only in one world?
growing old is difficult. everything calls upon you to leave what happiness you have behind.

i could not be more mixed up with emotions.

there is so much i have to say, unfortunately it is being cut short by obligations that need tending to.

In love with a beautiful idea...LOVE.

Maybe it is just the idea, the hope of love that I find myself in love with...

each song i hear on the radio is painful as the beautiful music fills my ears,

it is either about a harsh break up, much like one i have experienced,

or one of about being in this amazing love.

(that i am unable to experience, unentitled to, it remains untouched by me)

i cant but help feeling left out.

i know i write of love often;

i vent of the stupidity and insulting men of this world, some times i become bitter...

but then i see the movie, hear the song, catch a glimpse of someone, and my heart is yet again trapped in my illogical fantasies of love with a man, who rides on a white horse, who will not only save me, but all of me, my heart, and capture them, and find me captivating, breathtakingly amazing.

hoping for my time to come today, or tomorrow.

when i know it wont come at all.

why do i continue to fool myself with the falsity's of love?

i am very hot and cold with this subject.

i don't want to walk this road alone.

i want, i need, long for my own mr. darcy, my own edward cullens.

though, i flee at the thought as well...

can it be, that i am just in love with being in love?

am i the author of my love story?

have i been the only one writing my book?

have i fallen under loves spell?

i declare yes.

[unfortunately & tragically]

yes i am.

i am sick of love, or rather,

love sick.

*sigh*

It is a beautiful Sunday, a gorgeous Easter morning. HAPPY EASTER.

It is so beautiful to know that my big brother conquered the grave so long ago, and that He not only gives me permission to conquer my trials and weakness in faith, but with His grace, and with Him by my side.

Because He did it, I can do it too.

What hope and gratitude this brings.

Anyways, I have been dying to get my fingers moving, my head churning and thinking.

So here it goes.

I feel change working inside of me. Inside my heart. This time its for me. Not for some stupid boy, not because "I have to", not for a ridiculous dance teacher. For ME.

Introspection is a wonderful thing. Although at times it can be intimidating and frightening what you see. But when you face your worst fear (which in this case, it has been me, my greatest enemy), when you no longer peek through the door, but kick it in, and look everything that has taken your heart captive in the eyes. It knows its time of reigning is over. And it leaves.

Oh I feel as if I have had such a cold, isolated, black heart. It is good to feel it come alive again. Just as Christ rose from His grave.

I know He is going to help me through this. Besides I need Him. Without Him, I am nothing. I cannot achieve anything.

I am attempting my (oh I don't know how many times exactly!) 300th time to lose weight. I have lost focus, I stepped off my path and have wandered. I am trying to find my path again. And I can feel that it is going to happen.

At one point, I lost everything. I stopped caring.
Where did my drive and passion, inspiration and ambition go? Why did it leave me? I asked myself these questions, yet found no answers that would satisfy my desire to find them. None of the answers lead me to what I was seeking. Why? I was running in circles.
They have not left me, my heart left them.

It often times takes someone to learn something difficult years of practice, hours of dedication. Why is it different to get through life?
Is life not difficult enough? I believe it is.

I am just going to take my life one day at a time. Otherwise, everything, life, is overwhelming. And I shrink from taking on the world all in one day. I mean, I can barely handle myself.

So here is to something better, brighter, my future.

Your still you.

I have been writing alot these past few days. Do not judge me, I have a load on my mind and i must speak or else I may just drown in all my emotion.

I am experiencing many things. God has given me a tender heart, affected greatly by those I love. I love people, weather or not it by my choice or if love just befalls me. Sometimes I cannot help loving people.

I first must say, I am happy. If you are barely reading my most recent postings they sound dreadful to say in the least, however, this is not so. I am very much happy with my life. I love life. So much. Despite all the ups and down, and everything in between. Life it tragically beautiful. Pain is beautiful. change is beautiful. Happiness is beautiful.
I have stopped grieving over the things that once pained me, altering my view of life, plaguing my nights, thwarting my progressing. I have chosen to be happy weather life wants me to be or not.
However, I also choose to be strong enough to cry. To feel.
When I talk of the sadness I am feeling more recently I speak of such:

When she walks past me, talks with me, writes, I feel their pain. It radiates.
It is like watching the light, the life being sucked from them. It is not fair, even as I attempt to stand in the way of that which is taking them from me, I seem to be almost, penetrable. I cannot deflect what has been meant to come their way.

I am OK. I want to make everything OK.

"Everything will be OK in the end, if its not OK, then its not the end."

Let me attempt to salvage their hearts and mend them.

I also wish to talk of love, however, she has put into words that I cannot say better:

"What is it about love that captivates us so completely that we are rendered speechless, breathless, dreaming as if what we are wishing has already been granted and He or She is ours.I am in love with being in love. I love, love. I- am not in love.But O' to be in love!I crave the propinquity of another just as you crave the same. To hold the hand of my Eternal, Enduring Tie, brings me utter exuberance. How can one ever let those hands go? I don't even know what those of my adorable husband look like- But I'm already entranced.The cheese comes out in my hopeful romantic writing...I already hold an Invisible Bond to the one who will mutually find me, and although i am honestly all too eager for that day... I'm patient because I've realized neither you nor I, am prepared. But I will be here. :)I can find one too many reasons to love and for that reason alone, I simply cannot wind up alone. :P Dearest Reader: We are more alike than you realize. We both hold the capability to love and be loved. Our extent is different in depth, portion and frequency.I guarantee at least once in your life you have not been able to control the swooning nature of your honest heart.You yearn for love in an honest, true and humble nature. Whether you believe it justly or not.We are united in this, if not anything else.Love bonds even the un-met.

What is it about love that keeps us a prisoner of emotion, whether cruel hurt, silent surrender, or delicate joy.Our longing for propinquity is human, aside of our individual twisted calamities of love, I find refuge in knowing I'm not alone in longing for that propinquity we all silently, or vocally, yearn for.I suppose love is another gripping emotion that binds us together as a couplet.I'm proud to say that love no longer writes my story, but i write loves. Yet in contemplation, is it any different? If i write love, love must have found me... Interesting.The purpose-- Can we not love our enemy because they once loved also? Just another binding of our human exterior and soul emotion one to another."

Do you know how many wet pillows are there tonight?

In the painful moments I allow myself to slip into, I remember your absence in my life, that I struggle to forget.
Tonight is difficult, as my thoughts linger in the past.
I feel as though, someone is inside of me, my heart,tearing down the walls of protection-every beat hurts. I begin to cry as I allow myself to miss you; I never hear from you. Time ticks away.
There is a void only you can create.
I wish I could push replay, here I go again. I cant live in the past.
There is nothing to ease my mind tonight. The stillness scares me, as I can hear my every thought, every memory of you, even those buried deep down, behind this and that, covered in dust, they have been there for time, years...yet they reappear. Night is an enemy. Time slows...allows agony to settle in.
Your near, but I cant feel you.
I wish I could flush you from my memory, yet I cannot as you are installed in my heart. A friend is hard to forget.
I want to be heard through the sorrow screaming from your disappearance.
You cause pain. For me, and her, for them.
You told me once you loved me, admired me, that I made you proud...does that still stand?
I don't if i should apologize or scorn. Wait, and keep waiting, or leave...
Because of her pain, I feel pain.
We still love you, come home. You can be you at home.

Alot on my mind....

I really have had alot of thinking going on in my mind. I am satisfied to have been writing all my feelings and thoughts lately. I find great consolment as I do.

I had a miracle today, I must share.

My heart has been longing for my Shaina, I miss her. My heart is aching for her, to be with her, to help her (in what way I possibly can). I love her.

Why it is so difficult on us to watch those who we love suffer? Is it true in all cases that is hurts us more than they? Yes, I believe so, as the heart bears burden, when it sees another hurting as it has before, it wants to ease the pain it sees. But yet that pain is untouchable.

It is imperative for my sanity to visit with her. Hold her hand, hug her, and squeeze as much pain as I can from her wrenched heart.

I was talking with my cousin today, Jaylee. She is driving down Friday morning, and will be taking me down. Otherwise I would not have been able to see the most amazing woman I know. We will be coming back down Saturday morning, and that will give me the fix, however, I fear my visit, as short as it is, will leave me wanting.

When someone is so good to you, it is unfair to watch them suffer.

Shaina, I love you. Be strong, and don't give up. Let me carry you this time...I beg it of you.

Let this be over your head, but under your feet with me underneath you, beside you. I cannot stand still - I cant be there now [physically] but I am always just a text or a call away. I cannot allow anything to keep me from being attentive to your call.

I will keep waiting for the next day...hold on. We both have collapsed at each others feet, seems more I than you. My world has seemingly broken, shattered into a million pieces taking my heart with it, yet, in your skill and tender love have picked me up, brushed me off, set me on your back, and picked up the pieces and put them together for me; even while you have carried the weight of the world. I wish I had your strength. So I will try.

You say your OK. You are a bad liar as am I. Forgiving me for prying, for nudging. But as a dog doesnt want to leave its owner, I cannot and will not leave you. You are irrevocable.

My super hero, you need to allow me to save you; however, if you allow me to, I will forever be indebted to you, as I can never repay you for the miracles you have brought my way. My heart, my heart that is deep down is screaming otherwise. Its been heavy on my mind, especially lately. Its OK. We will have the cry we both need when I get there. But smiles will follow with laughter. How wonderful you are. Your beauty is captivating. It will happen, weather it takes a day or 10 years, although I know you prefer the former, as you have told me, God does not abandon us, (although in my situation, I have given him every good reason to) yet he ceases to leave and will never leave us.

There is always a mountain love. Is not how fast you get to the other side. The climb is what matters, let me help you, let me climb with you. If you fall we may fall together, or I will come and get you.

You know when a person is hooked up to a machine in the hospital? The one that takes your heart beats...well it is not good when a person flat-lines...its the lines the raise up and fall down that allow you to know your OK. Life is the same. Life would be far more than redundantly boring and scary if we flat-lined.

Remember, although the only weak, powerless, emasculated, unscrupulous villainous words I can say to even try to begin to explain how much I love you are "I LOVE YOU", dont ever doubt or forget their depth. They give you all access to me, my heart. I am to your disposal. I love you friend, sister, hero, examplar, inspiration, love, sweetness. How great you are, and what a darling blessing, miracle you are for me. Thank you. Words are inaccurate of my feelings for you. Xoxox (times) the biggest number known to man!

How to make me happy, how to make my heart smile, laugh, live.

I have previously stated that it is not difficult to please me. Since I have had a few inquires about my statement, what makes it so easy to do…I don’t understand why so many people are so unhappy, why they struggle to come across one insignificant slender ray of happiness, why they are always wanting. Happiness should never be a foreign term, even to those of the least of us.

To answer their questions, as well as yours if you have them here are my answers:

*When you think of me tell me

*Ask me how I am doing, if I don’t sound very convincing, don’t hesitate to ask again.

*Talk with me; share your thoughts with me. Pay attention to me as I talk with you about life and everything about life. Make me feel like I am the only one.

*Listen to me; don’t just hear me and my words.

*Surprise me: text me, call me, write me. Send me flowers; come see me at work or school.

*Make time for me.

*If you love me, tell me!

*Play with me.

*Grow with me, let me grow with you. Lets get through life together, side by side.

*Be there for me

*If I make you happy, tell me!

*If I am deserving of a compliment [in your eyes], tell me.

*Be you, I love and appreciate all of you for all that you are, all that you can and will be. You’re truly great!

*Don’t leave me alone. Don’t abandon me.

*Simply give me a smile, just a smile. Guaranteed I will smile right back.

*Hug me, hold me, and cuddle with me.

*Joke with me, tease me, pursue my love and friendship; I will never stop loving you or being your friend. It is not possible for my heart to let go once you have entered in.

*Give me your efforts, make me laugh.

*Get lost inside of me, my world. Enjoy it. Let me do the same with you.

*Talk with me, get inside my head. Dream with me, aspire with me, hurt with me, inspire me, encourage me, never give up on me, and tell me you believe in me.

*Say what you need to say; do what you need to do. And mean it.

You cannot buy me, any of me. I will just thank you with fond gratitude; you can own a piece of my heart by:

*loving me for me

*being honest [by being you]

*saying yes/no as needed

*being involved in my life

*making me laugh and smile

*hugging me

*listening

*being my friend

*enjoying me

*accepting me, flaws and all

*letting me love you - it is fierce, but ever so genuine...

In loving memory

Every day I have lived since you have been gone,
I have thought of you, your memories.


I miss you.

So much.

It is overwhelming in my being.

Where are the wings that made me fly, the strong arms that caught me as I fell? The shoulder I cried on? The heart I depended on? The counsel of the ones I loved?

My heart tries to ignore the weight of distance and time. But it is a heavy burden to simply dismiss.

I miss the years that have been erased.

I lust after the time I was vicously robbed of. Their time with my, memories we would have made, everything on them was stolen from me.

I miss all the little things; the way you smelt,
how you smiled,
the beautiful color that filled your eyes.
Your warm embrace.
The way you would kiss me.
How special I felt next to you. With you.
How you always told me you loved me,
and how beautiful I was.
How you believed in me,
and all I could be.
I felt like I could fly with you. Even walk on water.
I miss how you could make me laugh and smile.
The comfort you gave as my young heart needed.
I never thought that they would mean everything to me.

I wish you were here.

Pictures are my only comfort, as you slowly fade in my memory through time.

It is miserable the years you are missing. I always thought I would have you.

Do I make you proud?
I want to make you proud.

I can’t say how much I miss you. How much I love you.

I envy those I am surrounded by who have someone like you.
It’s not fair that I don’t get more time to be with you,

I would give anything.

Memories are so cruel, when you cant be with the one your remembering.

You made my life so bright. Why did you have to go?

I needed you.
I need you now.

You took a part of me when you left.

I miss you.

I cant help but wonder how much we've missed together.

If I could just see you, everything would be alright.

I miss you.

Why?

I have been asked why I love mixed martial arts and fighting so-o much...

I thought long and hard about the underlying reason(s).

There are 2 main that I discovered.

1) I love being happy, for some reason, it makes me ultimately, and genuinely happy.

2) It gives me confidence, hope, drive, passion. Otherwise, without, I find myself lacking.

I look forward to my future with martial arts. It is a part of my entity.

I have also been questioned about my intents with becoming a fashion designer.

I never really thought about doing fashion designing when I was a little girl, I always dreamed of helping people, animals, curing them. I wanted to be a doctor, or a vet.

As I grew older, law caught my attention. I enjoyed how intense it was.

But still, it wasn't enough. I want to live a life worth living.

After having a chunk of my life cruelly stolen from me, I began to have a change in my body. Happiness no longer existed within me. My heart hurt, literally.

When nothing takes pain away, I turned to the most constant thing in my life, food.

I no longer fit into the size 8 I wore. The numbers began to grow. My heart reached depths I didn't know could even exist.

I was so completely and utterly frustrated, I decided to make clothes for everyone, every size. So the more, voluptuous, curvy, plus sized women, didn't have to wear grandma styled clothing. Since then I have discovered I want to design on behalf of every women, who has ever lived. There has not been one women who has lived and not struggled to find something to fit them. I want to give the world what they crave. Everyone deserves to be happy. Comfortable. Period.

I want to change Hollywood. When is just being a women enough for them?

I say it is enough. Stop bashing us at every chance you have.

So what, there is a small percentage of people who wear a double zero...who cares! I will never be a double zero, nor do I wish to be. Since when does a tag with numbers on it define a person?

Does a test like the ACT test really define how smart you are? NO.

So why should something you choose to wear define you?

Look at all that we accomplish!

On my wall, in my portfolio, I have lists of countless achievements, awards, certificates. Things many people envy.

Yet to Hollywood, they are worthless.

Whatever, watch one day as I change the world. No matter how long it takes, I will do it. If there isn't a way, I will make a way. I will not bend to please you. I live to please the people I love, and who love me. I want to make me happy, really, genuinely happy. I deserve to be happy.

Hold on with me, its going to be a ride.

Tragedy, senioritis in freshmen

So, school is almost out.

I plowed through the last week of finals,

one more week to go. *sigh of relief*

I have just a business law test, and macroeconomics test and I am done.

I want to run away to a far away place, somewhere foreign.

I crave adventure.

Whats next?

I think I may just devote all my time to getting myself a job,

so I can pay for my life instead of "free-riding" of my parents.

I know that there is more that I want,

unfortunately, it is hard to discover what my heart is longing for.

Love?

Adventures?

Relaxation?

Travel?

Work?

New?

or

Familiarity?

I don't know now, maybe I will find out soon...

Another love[less] posting...

After finals, or more half way through finals I finally have some time to pour my mind, and dispose of many lectures and thoughts that have been building in my brain.

I wish to speak of love, as it seems I go through seasons, I often wish I had one to love, and to be loved by, but I also have my opposite reasoning of why I should not; and writing what I feel seems to take the sting of emotion from me. Even if for but just a moment.

It is frustrating not being in a relationship, while I watch friends, acquaintances, strangers walk and talk with their lovers, I cant help but envy what I don't have. But is that not what we all do? We want what we don't have, and take for granted that which we do. It seems like everyone already has someone and I missed out. I feel as if I am a child looking through the glass at the candy store. I cant touch it. And I dont understand why I am so stuck on this dream.

I am glad I am not alone in this journey to find the one who I will spend the rest of my life with. It is tedious work, to be single and taken. Currently I would rather deal with being taken than the former. I am happily single, but would be more happy if I were taken. Its a tragedy we spend our life time trying to find that someone who we should be spending our life time with...

I am unsure if I am afraid of commitment, I thought only men were terrified of it. I will try to figure this out on my own. I want to completely spill my thoughts and dispose of them.

Why I want to be in a relationship:

There seem to be several reasons. I love having someone to cuddle with, my sole love to spend time with, someone to claim as my own, and be claimed as theirs. I love the happiness love brings, it makes change easier. Which is wonderful to me, as change frightens me, to my core. I am afraid of losing, losing everything, and anything. I want to be excited in the morning as I wake, waiting to hear from that one person. The high love brings cannot be obtained from any other source known by man. I want that high, I long for it. Love is exciting, always.

Maybe because I have chosen to stay single for so long, I am tired of it. As I said love brings change. Courage to love. I want to kiss someone and not worry about them taking off after. I want to feel protected, secure, sure, loved. It is not difficult to please me.

Surrounded by love songs, romantic movies, and the excitment of the summer season calls to me to follow with everyone and take the walk. I want someone to be happy to have me. I want to be excited to see the future, find flowers sent to me. I want to be thought about as much as I think about them. I want a peice of their heart, and I want to give someone mine. I want to be lost in love. I want to hold hands and kiss in public. I want to be appreciated and appreciate them. I want to be their all, their world.

Why I am reluctant to be in a relationship:

I do not want to abandon love. I barely have time for myself, and those whom I already love in my life. I do my best to make sure I tell them I love them, this is so important to me. Speaking what you feel for others is so important. When you watch someone you love almost die, and you sincerely think about the questions about what was the last thing that person heard you say, it terrifies you that you may have not told them how much you love them, and appreciate them. How much they mean to you, what they have done for you in your life. Say what you need to say. I think it is better to take the jump and fall rather to sit idly by and watch life pass you by. That is a bitterly awful way to live life. Even worse to run away from life itself.

I also do question, if I would, could be good enough for them. I want to give someone the world. Maybe I give myself high expectations, but I would rather aim high and fall, then aim too low, and hate myself in the morning. No commitment is OK for some. It is the thrill of the chase. But when your doing all the chasing, it gets rather boring, redundant, tiring. I want to be pursued as well. It takes 100% and 100%. I don't want to be hurt. Nor do I wish to hurt someone I love, have loved. No one deserves to have a hurting, broken heart.

Maybe I am picky...too picky. ?

There is no prospects in my life, although I wish that there were. My love life, rather, the lack of, seems to mock me. Love is a hell of price to pay. The question is, am I willing to pay it? My offer currently stands as yes.

But who knows, tomorrow may come and change. Or it may bring who I am looking for, or someone to help me get there.