There are some things I just wish did not make me, me.

I dont want to be the one who falls in love so easily.
Whose heart strings can be so easily pulled.
I hate how vunerable my heart is.


I think I will always be in love with love. Love, real love has never hurt me, the lack of love has.

The case of love at first sight, is nourished by my desire to want to believe what I did.
The cae of the high school romance.
The case of the accidnetal romance.
the case of the big win. (Holding down the playa')


There are other qualities I wish I could change, or that did not exist in my entity. But those will be saved for a new post, my New Years post. With my resolutions and such.

Abandonment.

I told you once it hurt, you apologized-awhile after.
I accepted and forgave and quickly forgot.

I kept at it, trying to gain a little bit of your attention.
Dont you hear my cries anymore?

Do you not hear me saying I need you?


Excuses are not legit anymore. I have given all I have to make this a worthwhile relationship, I remind you to call, I ask you to do things...yet I never hear back from you...but others do.

Why am I the one to be neglected if I have so much value to you?

I am already numb from all the pain I bear, last year you were willing to help, we grew close...i guess my burdens are too much for you to bear.
What happened? Did you find people more interesting? People who were not such problems? People who did more for you than I could? People who can replace me...

My papa once told me, take advantage of the ones you love, for they may not be here tomorrow, but be careful to not take them for granted. Maybe because I give to you so freely it is easy to be taken for granted.

I miss the phone calls we used to have, the texts you used to send me everyday...now I am lucky to hear from you once a month. After I have taken the steps to get ahold of you.

Surely, you have your own life, you have offered me a peice, but I am not one to be left on a shelf to never be talked to, adored, worried about, etc...I want to be a part of your life. Give me the chance. Reach out to me.

Have you been poisioned and blinded by someone?

There's a possibility.

They say politeness is the biggest sign of hypocrisy and dislike...

I am tempted to just not try anymore and see when, wait, scratch that, if you ever noticed my absence. Would you?

Louisiana

Today my best [guy] friend is leaving to begin a 2 year journey. He is going to Louisiana, and I am going to miss him dearly.


He came and saw me when I was hospitalized. He held my hand as I took my first steps outside after being diagnosed with vertigo. He has been a listening ear in times of need, without judgement; and has shared my joy in the brighter things in life.

We met in Wooley's class our junior year of high school. And then we ended up going our separate ways. A year later I thought about him one day and decided to see if I could find him on myspace, and so our friendship began to blossom.

I went and watched a soccer game of his senior year. We talked on myspace and found we had things in common, like our knees, and our belief's we even found out that we would be attending the same college.

i never intended to go to the LDSBC, it was the last choice i would have ever picked, but I did, and his support made it easier to go. Except the first year he was not there. I ran into him the freshman party night. We went to temple square and drove within the avenues. That was a good night.

He ended up going to Brasil to have knee surgery, and I didnt see him until this summer, right before I got vertigo. We went to lunch at AppleBy's-he paid.

He gives the best hugs I have ever got. Days when I think my world might fall apart if someone does not quickly squeeze back together, Daniel is there to be the squeeze I need. He is the warm smile I need to see that life is ok. He is the friend I need.

He has many qualities I admire about him, he is a good generous person. And I love him. I love our friendship.

I am going to miss him. If I end up serving a mission, I wouldnt see him for 3 years. i really do not deal well with time and distance.

I hope that these 2 years go by quickly, and are filled with letters and pictures. Until we meet again, all my love.

no love

I sit in my room alone.

another fight. no surprise here.

i am tired of the air being rank with hypocrisy.

and my oppinion is quickly silenced because "she is always right"...then i am quick to be blamed for everything and i am the center of attention to have all my imperfections picked out and spotlighted and then critized. no wonder i dont tell you things.

whatever hold she is using on my "father" is not a fair one...he has never agreed with her to the extent he does now...honestly, suicide seems like a good way out right now. there is no consideration for my feelings.

suicide.

no more emotional torment.
no more worries about bills and such.
no more difficulites.

i wouldnt be missed. especially by people in this house, only for a day or two, then they would move on, find someone more better than me. but only chad and my father.
friends would move on-they have heir own lives, people to love them, more friends, more important people than things to worry about than me. there would be one less unemployeed, messed up person in this world.

the pressure to cry is building, i clench my jaw to prevent the hurt from falling from behind my eyes. i have no one to wipe them or catch them. like i said, alienated.

life is hard enough...why does she have to complicate it even more?

i will never do this to my children. ever.
if i ever get there.

of course, i will probably wake up tomorrow...althuogh i dont want to...why must i go on in a battle i feel i am losing? are not the people you call "family" to make things easier?

well, i dont have that.
not even one.

Sophomore once again?

Yes, I am a sophomore in college, but I am talking about feeling like a high school sophomore. I have no car, so I am forced either to car pool and borrow a car, or be picked up and dropped off, or take the bus.

But the biggest thing right now, is that all my friends are leaving...and it is getting lonely.

Shaina is off in Cedar...I havent seen her in over 6 months...miserable.
Ali, she in Orem, getting ready for school to start.
Sarah, she has gone back to Georgia and will be leaving to go on her mission soon, in the latter part of January, she will only be about 6 hours away...but I am forbidden to see her. Sadies is always busy. Heather is always working or dancing. And not to mention we live about an hour apart. Daniel leaves to go on his mission in about a day...

With all my closest friends leaving to go on missions, moving, going to college, working, getting married, starting a family, I must confess, it is a little more than lonely. I often sit alone in my room as to avoid the contention in our home...i am growing tired of such stupid and meaningless arguments.

I have to force myself to make newfriends against my body's restrainment and "better judgement" or rather lack of. SAD cause people not to reach out...so it is harder right now.

I am done for the day, back to job searching, cleaning, homework...life. I guess....

(I think its sad that "life" is no longer referred to as something happy, but rather a chore, or a burden, like when you ask someone what is wrong they reply "oh its just life"...is there any other better words to describe hard and trying times?)

If walls could talk...

My room would tell you the stories of how many times I have cried because of boys breaking my heart, because of the mean words spoken to my face and behind my back by "friends" and enemies.

They would tell you of the betrayals by friends. They would tell you the things I have muttered under my breathe at my parents. They would tell you the tears cried over hurtful words, screaming and hot, red faces with emotions boiling to the surface.

They would tell you of the isolation, loneliness and disappointment I feel on a daily basis.

They would tell you of the longing i have for so many good things, for a better, happier life.

They would tell you of the nights when I could barely sleep because of excitement; they would tell you of my dreams and nightmares, of my disappointed hopes and buried emotions and thoughts.

They would tell you my darkest, most deep secrets.

They would tell you of the countless phones calls I had with those whom I have loved, love and will forever love.

They would tell you of my fears.

They would tell you of sleep overs filled with whispers, giggles and moments of extreme happiness.

They would tell you my most memorable moments. Both the good and the bad.
They would tell you of my insecurities. They would tell you how to wrap me around your finger, to make me happy, and secure. They would tell you what I really want.

They would tell you how sick and tired I am of pretending we have a picture perfect family. That those only exist in portraits.

They would tell you how I want a worthwhile relationship with my mother, the ones I envy from my friends. They would tell you of my regrets. They would tell you how sorry I am. They would tell you how much I hate the fighting, and then quickly putting on my mask to hide the hurt and the imperfection. They would tell you how I want to be able to be remotely civil with Justin everyday.

They would tell you of unspoken words. They would tell you how hard I have had to work, when I have given up, or moved on.

They would tell you the truth.

They would tell you who I am. Who I want to be. What I want to do.

My living room...oh boy. The living room.
The living room would tell stories of why my family is the way it is now. They would tell you of how many fights have been fought and remain unclaimed. It would tell you the painful stories of emotions no one should feel.

It would tell you of the rare nights where no one is willing to put up a fight and can just go with the flow, and watch AFV or something, then they would tell of the laughter to follow the shows.

They would tell you of phone conversations and choice of music listened to.

They would tell you of frustrations, healing, disappointment, happiness, tragedy,

They would tell you of my mistakes, along with Justin's, Chad's, my papa's and my mothers.

They could tell you the hours spent fighting over meaningless things, the painful words thrown around, the mental and emotional abuse that has gone on because of things.

They would tell you alot about the personalities of my family.

They would tell you time after time of all the ridiculous things we get riled up over. They would tell you doubts, sarcasm, tears cried, feelings hurt, of desperation, and the longing to help another.

They would tell you of the anger, animosity, bitterness, and hypocrisy here.

They would tell you of words needing to be said, but not. They would tell you of the [unfair] judgements passed, sneaky deeds, the loss of control, the stress and fear and struggle.

They would tell you about everyone's life who has live here-they have seen and heard everything at least once, if not more than a dozen times.

They would tell you because they listen.

New Years resolutions?

Maybe this is the best time of year, it is a timefor introspection, and a time for goal setting; because during the year I tend to lose sight of my goals with life's sorrows acting as my blinders.

I sit here and think...what do I want? What do I need? What were my dreams and goals?

I used to be so happy, I used to know...I used to see.

I want to be married soon...
I want to serve a mission.
I want to be temple worthy again.
I want to move out of my parents house and provide for myself.
I want to lose my weight.
I want to be rid of negativity in my life...

(This list is starting to seem a little intimidating)

I want to travel.
I want to be a fashion designer.
I want to work on SVU.
I want be someone great.
I want to change a life.
I want to wear a swimming suit and not care about my imperfections, but embrace them.
I want to be debt free.
I want to be independant.
I want to have a stable job.
I want to move out of this neighborhood.
I want to help people, weather it be through my funds, talents or time.
i want to adopt a child or two from another country.
I want to do more than what was expected and excell.
I want to prove myself wrong.
I want to shame those who have hurt me through success.
I want a relationship with my brother and my mom,].

I want to open my own place and provide my services.
I want to go to hair school.
i want to be financially stable.

for now, I am drained, it is difficult to have dreams and watch them get closer, and then watch them burst into a a smoke screen. I dont want to fail.

December 7th, 2009

The cold white powder begins to settle in my mind. Winter is here.
I watch the old lonely man walking across the street, no lover to hold and warm his hand,
and heart.

I wonder if I will end up like that. After only 19 years, the pangs of being single still haunt me. Christmas songs fill the air, and oh...why must I imagine such scenes...

Moving on.

I am grateful for all that I have been blessed with, a good family, amazing friends...I have a home [that I must add, is literally falling apart]. I have a car [that too quickly empty's of all that is good]. The bills are high, my name is on collections lists'...sometimes, its a little hard to stay happy when you keep remembering what is making you stay awake at night.

There is too much month left at the end of the money. There is never enough time. Ever.

I dont remember my first intentions of writing. Dang!! I will just write what I may until it comes back to me.

Yesterday was one of the most spiritually edifying Sabbaths I have had in a long time, it has given me much hope that I can make my life and future brighter, happier. That things will be ok.
"Chains shall he break...in his name all oppression shall cease..." all I know is we will be ok because we are in his hands.

There are 2 blessings I am especially grateful for today.
1) ron Morelli, he is a wonderful man, friend and inspiration may God bless him!!
2) My family and I were blessed with $5000 gift card to R.C. Willey, as my papa said, there are others who deserved it as well, indeed it is a blessing. We have a couch. A new fridge and freezer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!

Today:

I am alive.
I am breathing, although, figuratively it may be painful.
I am content.
Is good.
A blessing.

*sigh*

It takes alot to make me have a bad day and feel over loaded with life [in general]. Today as I sit in English, in room 705 my mind is preoccupied with the events of this morning.

Half my bills have been paid, and my two major ones are coming up. I will barely make it.

A faulty projector calls my attention as the class begins to laugh at the haunted thing...it zooms in on its own whims.

Back to my own little world. "Well thank God I have such wonderful parents!!" and the optimistic side of me is trying to help me see today with a brighter light.

Surely the funds are low, the bills are high, I am receiving harassing calls from collection companies. I have homework to make up from missing 3 weeks of school because I was sick, then I have the homework that is happening now, and due in the near future, any other time, I would be so happy that this semester is going by so quickly, but not under these circumstances.

It seems like I can never catch a break, but something inside of me tells me not to quit. To keep going even though I just want to fall down and sit and cry and hide. Dont quit. Just dont quit. There has got to be a way.

Almost 20

ok, so I am young. I have my whole life ahead of me, but today, I am left feeling the pangs of loneliness. True, soul suffocating loneliness.

Surely I have wonderful friends, amazing. My closest and best friends are amazing. But they too are living their own lives, and I wish I was more a part of theirs. There is something inside of me I wish to be able to share, everything and inside of me.

But I am selfish too. I want to be someones special one.
The one that they know, no matter what, that they want to spend every moment with me, talk about everything with me, discover life with me. Me and me alone.
I want to be enraptured with love.

And although my friends love me, they cannot offer what I seek.
There is so much I want to do and say, places I want to go, things I want to see.
I want a hand to be there as I do those things.

I am faced to force my lack of a serious relationship with every corner I turn, a couple kissing, a new facebook notification "engaged" relationship change, I go to church and things are constantly discussed time and time again.

There is so much in my life I feel like I need to work on, and quite honestly do. I dont know where my future husband is, what he is doing...I would like to think I knew, but time after time, over and over I learn that I really dont know too much. I would like to say that I know where is he is. There is someone I like, but unfortunately I dont know my future. And I hate getting caught up on someone I dont know wat will happen when things have only begun ever so slightly and yet I fall deeper and deeper.

My husband must be in the works...I know I will have one. I just wish it was him...

A new post

I am feeling really inspired to write today, I can never help the urge to write, I must cave, I must give in and allow my heart to speak. It has been a year since my darkest days, and I want to share with you what I have learned-sometimes I feel like I have learned all there is to know about life, that i have experienced everything, but then I am quickly reminded by a patient and loving Father in heaven that I haven't learned that much looking through eternity, I have a long way to go.

1. Life isn’t fair, but its still good!!
God never intended for us to have a perfect life, but one filled with trials, pains, losses, addictions, bad, sad, tragic moments-only because He had planned to have Christ be our savior. How greatly understated that is. Because we have Him, we need not worry about the small and insignificant problems and issues here on earth-God's plan was one of HAPPINESS not of misery, so be assured, there is everlasting happiness in your future.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
So you don't think you can lose the 200 some odd pounds, well, prove to yourself that you can, go for a walk! Do something, silence that inner critical voice. DO what your told you cant.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
Laugh. Hard and loud and fully everyday, humor changes all things and makes life much easier to ear when things go astray. We are human-we are not going to be prefect and get things right the first time we try them out!!

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
There is nothing just black and white, nothing is ever 100% right or 100% wrong. There is good, better and best.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
Reach out, most often others are too afraid to reach out themselves.

8. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

9. When it comes to sweets, resistance is futile.

10. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
Ok, I am one of the least perfect people out there, I mess up-ALOT. So what, as long as I get up again, and keep moving forward, I will eventually get where I want to be-timing doesnt matter in the sense of perfection.

11. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

13. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
And when it is time for bed, sleep. You have done all you can do, leave it to god, He never sleeps/

14. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

15. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
Tomorrow is going to come.

16. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

17. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

18. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

19. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
Material things fade and go, relationships are worth more, people are worth more.

20. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

21. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

22. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

23. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”

24. Always choose life.

25. Forgive everyone everything.

26. What other people think of you is none of your business.
And it doesn't matter, they are not the ones who have to live with YOU.

27. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

28. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

29. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your family & friends will. Stay in touch.

30. Believe in miracles.
Faith is powerful.

31. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

32. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

33. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

34. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

35. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

36. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

37. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
Start with what you got and make it better along the way.

38. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
Including entertainment.

39. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

41. The best is yet to come.

42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

43. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

44. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

45. Yield.
Learn to say no.

46. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

47. Don't build your life around events, people or objects. Because when their gone...you too fade into seemingly nothing. Your life doesn't depend on what the person sitting next to you is thinking, YOU matter. If we only saw ourselves the way God saw us.
Build your life around Christ. He is loyal.

Well I am back off to my life, I hope you enjoyed.

Stalkers...

So...this year I have been stalked by 3 men older than my papa-men old enough to be my dad.


EW.

Ew a million times over and over.

I even made a totally new myspace page and left my old one up so they could think I just stopped getting on...

And now I am a myspace booty call??

How does that work?


I am not even desperate to have a man...although I would be lying if I tried to deny that it is a goal and would be nice, I am not desperate. Heavens no. No.

I am not good at being mean to people, or turning them down, but this honestly is getting ridiculous. I cannot stand it. I am friendly to people all the time, I don't judge off appearance, I like being nice to people, I like having friends...but I don't like men that grovel like the ones who have, and possibly still are stalking me.

Ugh.

I really

miss YOU. I wish you were here.

I would give the whole world to see your face again.

Friends, I love you.

When I was in the hospital, I had alot of time to think...even outside. It took 2 months to get better. That is alot of thinking time.
During which, I realized how many blessings I have, and have had, and I told myself I would thank you, my friends for what you do, who you are.
Life ended up busying me as soon as I could walk a straight line, and I haven't forgotten to say, thank you.

In my patriarchal blessing it states:

"Always seek for good friends and associates who have the same lofty goals in
life that you have, then you will enjoy a feeling of peace and security in your
involvement with them."

Now, some of you maybe getting a repeat, but I feel the need to publicly acknowledge you for sharing your greatness with me. Because I need it in my life.
Also, many of you know, I do not do so well touching on more "emotional subjects", I don't like crying in front of people, so consider this just as genuine as me saying it. Please.






Michael, my my Michael. How I love you. I remember having class with you-oh the fun of accounting and institute. Thank you for being so kind and loving to me. I wish there were more people like you, you always make me smile, and I love seeing you because of that. You are special and I am so happy we are friends. I miss having class with you, playing and joking with you. You have made me better.

By the way, your hugs are awesome!!









Katie my dear, you are so funny!! I love catching up with you, I admire you and unfortunately, I envy what you have. You have helped me through the hardest part of my life, and loved me despite my imperfections. Thank you, for being a good example for me. I love you.











Sadies!! I wish we had more time to get together and hit the gym like we used to. You are so sweet, I love how much you inspire me. I think you are one of the most beautiful people inside and out that I know. Thank you for being my friend.













Timmy Tim Tim, aka: Timmeh!! Thanks for being such a bud to me!! I love swinging with you at parks, talking randomly about life in general, and I love your honest opinion and advice. You humor kills me, and I enjoy sitting in my car eating frosty's with french fries...or just a gallon of ice cream with Ian and us. ha. Thanks for being you.













Oh, my darling Sarah. You always make me laugh!! Thank you for being my friend, for reaching out to me, when that's all I needed. I am glad we have met, your spirit is so tender, and your personality shines.











Alex. Thank you for loving me when I felt unlovable (which happens alot). You are the most giving person I know, and you have impacted my life, and there is no expiration date for that. I am glad we got stuck in that contract together, you make it alot better to get along with.









Oh my goodness, KAY to the LA!! I love having class with you, you are adorable and are the sweetest girl ever!! Thanks for being you, because you stick out in such a special way, it makes me want to stick out too.

p.s. ahem...we need that sleep over asap.















Ali, you are the kindest person I know. I am so glad I met you last year, you have changed my life so much. Thank you for not judging me, for helping me, advising me, and for making time for me. You make me feel loved, regardless of my faults. I wish more girls shared your outlook on life, you are an amazing woman-and you make me a better person each time I talk with you, or spend time with you. Thank you for living the way you do, and encouraging me. I appreciate you.













Andrew. Thanks for being a friend when I really needed it. Your pretty great my friend, pretty great. Even though you kill me when I cannot figure out how to defend myself...
















Deshi - my dear Deshi. You are the most humble person I know, so down to earth and honest and kind. Thank you for being my friend. I admire you, you are amazing!!















Heather boo!! I love talking with you!! You have done so much for me, getting me that crazy job, you have been so generous in buying me dinner several times. I have been more outgoing since we have been hanging out. You are pretty rad, thanks for being the confidence boost I need, you are it baby girl!! I love it!! I love your super compliments too-days with you are always the best!!











Shaina, my love. My twin!! What more can I say to you than I haven't?? Alot. You know me, all of me. And still, you love me, and stay by me. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I love how well we know each other. I cannot wait to see you again, although there is quite a bit of distance between us, I feel closer to you than I have in the past. You change me, and make me better. You are a pillar in my life. Thank you. I love you.











Denny!! You are such a blast to be around!! Your compliments are always so sweet and come exactly when I need them. You give me hope in life, and I think you are awesome!! I absolutely LOVE being friends with you; you are incredible. xoxoxx











Hey Shakira!! Thank you for talking with me. I love it. I love going to the gym with you!! You are totally sweet!! And I will always remember what you said, because it made my day: "I love that I have pretty friends because I can look at them!!"
You are a strong person, who is accepting and generous. I am happy for you!! I am so glad we had "that" talk. We can do this thing, life, together.













Kels, I love how long we have been friends. You have never done anything to betray my trust. Thank you. And when I told you how awful I was, you still loved me. No matter how much I mess up, you still accept me. Thank you for being my friend. We have had a irreplaceable memories in the past, and I hope we will have more. Love you.
















Girl!! Thanks so much for coming and seeing me in the hospital!! It meant so much to me, that you cared enough about me to come see me, and to help me do my phycho hair. You are the kindest and friendliest girl ever!!












Dan Dan the ___________ Looooopy Man.
I absolutely love you!! You have made my day several times. Meeting in Wooley's class was crazy, and I am beyond happy that we are friends. You are such a good influence on me, and I love being in your presence. You can always make me laugh and smile, and are the most accepting person, man I know. Thank you for loving me despite that messed up side of me, and for treating me like nothing is wrong with me. Thank you for your hugs, which I love. You better save me some while your on a mission, I need 2 years supply, and then you can send some in a bottle. Words cannot express how I love our friendship. Your the best. xoxoxx









Braden, last, but not least. (You weren't planned last my friend, its just how it worked!!)
We met in EFY, we were in the same company a few times. I never had the gut to tell you, that I admire your spirit. You are such a good person. I am happy I can tell you that now, and that I have the chance. Since then, you have become someone better, thank you for living righteously. That day we hung out for forever-I really needed a friend that day. Thank you. Thank you for sharing who you are with me. Thank you for being kind, and happy. I love it!!

Figuring things out.

I love writing. It is so therapeutic for me.
I often have so much to write about, to say, to sort through and share, but life gets a bit hectic and crazy and I don't get to. There are things I want to say, and don't know how to word them, or I am just not satisfied with what I have put out there previously. Many things stay bottled up inside me and I wait until the contents are spilling over. Today is not that day, but I can feel that day nearing.

I am happiest in Summer. Not only because I despise the chilling weather. But I get so much sun. It makes me happy. Fall, no denial, is the most exciting of all seasons, the beautiful colors in the trees spark my creativity, my imagination. To me, it signifies a great season of change in my life. Its been a year now. And only a few people will know what that means. A year.

Winter, is stunning. I love how white and beautiful the world is, it is a sight to see. Although I wish I had someone to see it with. To share it with. I love the Christmas lights, the hot chocolate, the closeness families and friends experience.

This year, my family cannot afford to provide Christmas. I am not worried about the gifts-I am fine if I have what I need, and I do. My family has what they need. But Chad, my little brother, still believes in Santa, in fact, humorously, Chad thinks I am Santa's elf. I don't want him to find out that there is no man dressed in red, jolly as can be, sneaking into our home, with flying reindeer awaiting him on the roof, because we cannot afford it.

I wish I knew how to fix this. What to do and say.

There is someone I used to talk to often, who I trusted. Loved. Admired.
Why don't you talk to me anymore? Why don't you care anymore?
I wish you did.
I wanted things to be what I have dreamt of...
I shouldn't be surprised-I have always had to fight a good fight for happiness, it shouldn't be any different for my dreams.
The way you have just left me, makes me feel like I have failed. Like I haven't measured up to what you saw in me.

I makes me think there is something wrong with me. Even when you see the good, and tell me; I get confused. Because of you absence, and silence, I let my mind wonder to where it shouldn't, a place where I analyze me, and look for everything wrong with me-because you cant - wont tell me.

I wish to say to another: I miss you. I miss us.

I have realized that I am worth something. I am discovering that more and more each day. I am now fixing me, because I want to be happy. I want to be better.

I also wish to say to another: do you think of me? I think of you. Do you feel the way I do? I pray so. I am ready, waiting. My part of the bridge is built, I can help you build yours, but you have to let me, help me.

And I wish to scold someone. You are so vain. Never attempt to put people below you, so you can raise yourself on higher ground. That is most definitely not confidence my friend. You are shallow.

I am learning, living, feeling.
And for now, I am done.

Call me visionary

This is seriously starting to annoy me. Dream after dream. But I want to tell you because it is so wonderful.

I see a man, he comes into my life, and I am happiest with him. I am never unhappy. He holds my hand, tells me he thinks I am wonderful, amazing, beautiful. He is willing to give me the world, no matter what.

We do things together, swing on long swings, take hundreds of pictures together, shop together, love, laugh, smile and cry together. He makes me better. Every time I see him. Think of him. Talk about him.

We look into each others eyes all the time, it is what first drew us in. What is on the inside. We cuddle when its cold, under a blanket, watching a movie. We drive for hours just because we can, and we talk of the small things, and things that are imperative to us. What we want to do with our lives, together. Oh, together. How wonderful. Together.

He gets on one knee, its privately public, as I begin to cry, he slides the ring onto my finger, and we embrace, while tender kisses trickle in through the smiles, and stutters as I search for words hopelessly. I see us outside the white beautiful castle, our family and friends are there, I am wearing white, and so is he. We smile, and as always, look into each others eyes and whisper our "I love you's" and then a small "we made it"..."WE made it!!"

Pictures are taken, the reception is only a small part of my dream, because I dream big, the reception is perfect none-the-less. We spend all our time together, happy. And soon, I am with child. I am more than happy. And so is he as he reads the message on my tummy, and I read his face.

We have beautiful, children. Flawless. Like our life together-no matter what, we are together. We are happy.

And that is all I want.

Any other day

My favorite season has passed and wont return for 3 more seasons, I miss it; I have officially moved into fall, all my boxes are unpacked and reality has set in-this is home. Although I despite the cold, ok, hating the cold is an understatement, there is something exciting about it-about the change. I love the red trees, the changing leaves, the sweaters and jackets, gloves and scarves.

The cooler weather brings people closer, both physically and emotionally. Again, this is another post about my longing for love. But this time, it feels different. My intentions are different. I want to be a mother, more than anything. I want to love and be loved. That is not much to ask, these reoccuring dreams of my family, my husband, are driving me insane. It leaves me envying myself, in my restful state, sleeping is something to both look forward to and hide from. Although I am happy with the pictures I see, I feel the sting that I now lack what I desire.

There is a song I adore, it is titled: "Every Season" and it's by Nichole Nordeman. I highly recommend it, and I think it fits perfectly for this post. Here are the lyrics:

Every evening sky, an invitation
To trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration
For freedom that is ours
And I notice You In children’s games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrendered
To the harvest time Forfeiting their leaves in late September
And sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds I will offer thanks for what has been and
was to come
You are autumn
And everything in time and under heaven
Finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation
Shivers underneath
And still I notice you
When branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, autumn, winter, spring.

I have many things to say, but school is taking over my life, as it usually does. Take care, until I post again. xoxoxx

THE best dreams-ever!!

For the past 3 nights in a row, I have been dreaming about getting married, or engaged-in the past I have dreamt twice of my kids. I have no idea why I have become obsessed and consumed by these subjects, these desires, of course, there is no doubt there has been a dream, a small desire to be married and have kids, but right now, more than anything, I want to fully experience these two blessings.

The first night I dreamt of getting married, the feeling I felt, just in the dream alone, was overwhelming. It felt so good it hurt. I was beyond joyful. And then again, last night...I cannot get over these dreams. I am not sure weather they mean anything or if it just an expression of my innermost desires right now.

I have in the past, had a great desire for a relationship. Last winter I thought of it, almost unbearable...for some reason, it [my desire] feels apparent for a different reason. Maybe it comes with the cooling of the weather, I don't know. But all I know is I want to be happy and married.

I want to have a family, have children. But there is one point I want to make as well. I have always desired to be a fashion designer. This talent of mine, will not go to waste, but if I am to get married before I accomplish my professional goals, I most certainly will start my family. After I have gotten back on my feet, I still plan on pursuing my education.

Will love keep me in its gravity forever?? Surely, it will. I am in love with being in love. Its part of being me.

My never

I just needed to write something today, now.

You keep on hurting me-and you probably don't know, because I don't dare say, and because you don't care. False and empty promises-I have fulfilled my part of the bargain, but it seems now, more than ever, it is me you have an issue with, and are making attempts to assure my failure in this contract. Though we didn't sign with ink, or even blood. We signed with our words, and that should mean everything.

Too often, everything means nothing.

There are things I wish I could say to you, but know that I probably never will, as this is more of my private world, one you don't care to visit any longer. I don't want to hurt you-ever. I am even willing to accept my pain instead of causing yours.

I wish I could say that I miss you, so much-because I really do. But I don't want to.
I want to tell you how much I love you, I always will.
I wish I could erase everything, just so it wouldn't hurt anymore, but then again, I would probably lock those "erased" memories away, because I cant bear to part with them, some were the best in my life.
I wish I could tell you to be here with me, for me.
I wish I could go back to that one night, after we had the best day.
I wish that you had kept your promises.
I wish I was something of more worth to you. Like I used to be.
I wish that you didnt change.
I wish that I didnt pull away so quickly from the pain you are causing me, but I have to-for me, for once.
I wish you made me happy, instead of what I feel now.
I wish I didn't want to say any of this.
I still want you to be a part of my life. But I am not sure how much.
I'm sorry.
I want to know if you will think of me, 10, 15, even 60 years down the road. I know I will.


I don't regret anything we have done together, it was good. Then.
I don't have anything more to say right now...I try not to think about it, you too often.

How do you

Say goodbye?? I haven't ever been goodbyes. No matter how firmly I set it in my mind that it is the final goodbye, even for my best interest-I cant let go. You, he, she, they, them. All mean something to me, there is a part of my life that you touched, that you influenced that made me who I am today.

Maybe I feel as if I am saying goodbye to myself-and I don't want to lose myself. Where do "you" go if you lose yourself...you would think that you couldn't lose yourself since you live, sleep, eat, breathe with yourself...but often times I find myself seeking for me; or maybe more of me. I am not sure.

I hate how people come into my life, and bring such a sparkle into it, and then disappear. It is worse when they came very close to you, and you no longer sparkle for them either. I don't want you to go. I hate losing friends, despite how inevitable it is in life. It. Isn't. Fair. Make me forget, please. It might be better that way.

I hate how the expected daily texts and messages come to slow end. There are no more phone calls with your face appearing with your number. I miss the sound of your voice. There is no more giggles and deep conversations late at night. No more secrets. Nothing new worth sharing. Don't you get that it isn't me who changed?? Its you.

I can make the time despite my long list of things, you used to. You used to do alot for me. Words will never be able to begin how much you have done. My life has changed immensely because of you. I don't know how often I cross your thoughts...but you still cross mine, everyday. I still keep all the pictures, the ones where we made silly faces, the ones that have great significance because of what happened when those photos took place.

Oh how I wish I could change what we have become. I love you. So much. You have been so much a part of my life.

"Friendships may not last. Friendships can lose importance and die gradually.
Some friendships end abruptly with unresolved conflict. The worst enemy of
friendships is change by one or both friends. There is usually pain with the
loss of friendship.In fact, friendships end with pain and change."

I just want to know if you even care.

One knee

I have dreamt of the day when a man would walk into my life, and be so enthralled with ME. He would love and adore me, take time for me, talk with me, do things with me. When I would be giddy, and overwhelmed with love and romance that every song I heard would remind me of him, every word would make me remember some inside joke we had. We would live life together. I have dreamt of the day he would get down on one knee, and tell me how deeply he loves me, and wants to spend life and all of eternity with me. I have dreamt of the day I would be in a white dress, walking out of the castle in down town Salt Lake City, when I would be made the queen for the day publicly, and privately through all of time.

Every girl has. Our barbies get married to Ken. They honeymoon in someplace only our minds can view. We all have watched the movies, and went to bed wishing "that was me". Songs remind us of what we so fiercely seek. We read books like Twilight, and fall in love with another womans fantasy. Alright, so I am a Twilight fan...oh well. I am a fan of other things, but I really love the photography that they [Twilight] provides. It is beautiful and communicates alot of what I feel and long for. So, if you don't like it, sorry.

Why is it that lately, it [relationships] have been on my mind?? The weddings and engagements and baby announcements have calmed down. I haven't had this desire for a long time. I am almost 20...in Utah-man I am be-hind on getting on the couples ride...luckily there isn't one bus.

I want so badly to find love, or be found-however it works. Love is so powerful. I love being in love. That feeling you get, and yes, I know you know what I am talking about.

Maybe my love is at my school, and maybe I met him today, and didn't know it. Or maybe he is some odd 5053 miles away I don't know; I wish to discuss this one that is so far away. I have never met one who made me instantly feel loved-and if it isn't love, then tell me what it is. I felt electricity when we touched, there is no exaggeration, or make-up-believe. I think he felt it too. It made want him so bad it hurt. I don't know what will happen with this. I haven't heard from him in over a year. I still live my life, although, he still intrigues me, my attention, is still his-in the back of my mind.

I just want to be married. (OK, so it wouldn't hurt to have someone like Edward Cullen, who makes Bella weak in the knees with a breathe.) Now. But I don't want to settle. So, I will give life and love a try again.

My uneventful summer...

Has been busy. Two contradictions, this I understand. But you can always have two contradictions, this is surely life inevitable.

I have realized that I haven't really posted anything since I was sick all the way back in June!! I'm sorry my life hasn't had anything I find worth posting over. But, today that has changed!!



I have had the chance to visit with so many of my good friends over this summer, some I haven't seen in over 4 long years!! And there are still some friends I want to visit with, maybe I will get to see them before 2009 ends!!



I have been donating plasma, I started over a year ago...that's a long time. I also note that about this time a year ago is when I became very close to my bestest friend, Shaina...our first anniversary love!! ;)



I have been thinking alot...ALOT is an understatement.

I want to attend FIDM in LA, California, but considering that California is on the verge of bankruptcy, and my mothers strongly opposed opinion, it has made me think more than once about this. Of course, this is the school of my dreams-it has its benefits, good jobs, some of the best, a great education, amazing connections and people-I love California. But considering that in order for me to attend, I have to spend $36,000 just on tuition for 15 months. Living there, the cheapest housing you will be lucky to find is $800 a month. Yikes!!

If I do end up moving out there, hopefully it will be by January of 2011. It is so weird, I will be 21 by then...life has changed so much since I was in high school.

I just took out my first student loan-a grand total of $3500. This will pay for my tuition, and supplies-hopefully I can purchase a laptop, I need one badly-being in college, its kind of a requirement.

I went fishing this summer with my dad and his scouts, I, for the first time, caught more than one fish at a time. Something I was very pleased with!! Eight perch in about an hour!!

I want to travel. I want out of Utah. I have never been more annoyed now than I am with the construction going on here. Every street I hit has an orange cone...our new state color!! I haven't been on a vacation since I was 12...the years when I need it most, are the ones I cant afford to go. I want to go to California, of course. Alaska, New York, Brasil...I just want to leave the place I have been for so long. Utah is a safe place to live, there is no argument with that, but it is a bit redundant. No so much my taste.

My brain and body are healing, finally. After I was in the hospital in June, I was so sick and lethargic for 2 months, all I could do is lay in bed, or sit in a chair...I swear watching all the movies and TV I did...I killed brain cells. But now I am walking again, I try to go everyday, as time permits, either that or I do a fitness video with my little brother Chad-we have a blast.

Well, to keep things short, since I have little time, I have to end here. But I will be writing more, life is getting interesting and picking up now.