Figuring things out.

I love writing. It is so therapeutic for me.
I often have so much to write about, to say, to sort through and share, but life gets a bit hectic and crazy and I don't get to. There are things I want to say, and don't know how to word them, or I am just not satisfied with what I have put out there previously. Many things stay bottled up inside me and I wait until the contents are spilling over. Today is not that day, but I can feel that day nearing.

I am happiest in Summer. Not only because I despise the chilling weather. But I get so much sun. It makes me happy. Fall, no denial, is the most exciting of all seasons, the beautiful colors in the trees spark my creativity, my imagination. To me, it signifies a great season of change in my life. Its been a year now. And only a few people will know what that means. A year.

Winter, is stunning. I love how white and beautiful the world is, it is a sight to see. Although I wish I had someone to see it with. To share it with. I love the Christmas lights, the hot chocolate, the closeness families and friends experience.

This year, my family cannot afford to provide Christmas. I am not worried about the gifts-I am fine if I have what I need, and I do. My family has what they need. But Chad, my little brother, still believes in Santa, in fact, humorously, Chad thinks I am Santa's elf. I don't want him to find out that there is no man dressed in red, jolly as can be, sneaking into our home, with flying reindeer awaiting him on the roof, because we cannot afford it.

I wish I knew how to fix this. What to do and say.

There is someone I used to talk to often, who I trusted. Loved. Admired.
Why don't you talk to me anymore? Why don't you care anymore?
I wish you did.
I wanted things to be what I have dreamt of...
I shouldn't be surprised-I have always had to fight a good fight for happiness, it shouldn't be any different for my dreams.
The way you have just left me, makes me feel like I have failed. Like I haven't measured up to what you saw in me.

I makes me think there is something wrong with me. Even when you see the good, and tell me; I get confused. Because of you absence, and silence, I let my mind wonder to where it shouldn't, a place where I analyze me, and look for everything wrong with me-because you cant - wont tell me.

I wish to say to another: I miss you. I miss us.

I have realized that I am worth something. I am discovering that more and more each day. I am now fixing me, because I want to be happy. I want to be better.

I also wish to say to another: do you think of me? I think of you. Do you feel the way I do? I pray so. I am ready, waiting. My part of the bridge is built, I can help you build yours, but you have to let me, help me.

And I wish to scold someone. You are so vain. Never attempt to put people below you, so you can raise yourself on higher ground. That is most definitely not confidence my friend. You are shallow.

I am learning, living, feeling.
And for now, I am done.