Disappear

Yesterday I received a call from my martial arts teacher. We had previously been discussing my future career in kickboxing and MMA fighting. Due to the uncertainty of my rocky and unstable relationship with my mother, he asked me to talk with her before I trained. And try I did. But to no avail, i was not heard. Is that not what we all seek? To be listened to. I do. He told me that until I settle my differences with my mother I cannot come back and train. I understand why he is doing so, it is quiet the incentive for me to follow through, but cruel at the same time.

It broke my heart that he was denying me access to what I have wanted so badly and strived so earnestly to obtain for the past year and a half. This sport gives me a confidence, a passion, that little extra special something. I lost it when I tore my ACL and had the surgery. Maybe that is why i was so upset and afraid. When you find something that can give you a fix, and allows you to abandon all other addictions causing detrimental health, you hold on so tightly to that something. "When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end". Fighting gives me that fix. I have become dependant on it and what it does for me, to me-in every way possible.

My body is screaming at me, with pain from struggling to get out of the death choke I have placed on myself, unknowingly and at times knowingly. Everything hurts, but when I am fighting, and when I get into that ring, everything else is gone. My moment when everything else in the world seems to disappear and leave me be. I have given all I have to be able to train again, and I didn't give my all to not achieve. It was hell coming back from such a devastating blow. And it will be hell climbing on top. But if I am willing, there must be a way right?