Tonight, I did one of the hardest things I have had to do. My heart breaks as it is filled with sorrow, it is breaking under the burden of contention. I find it ironic that we adore those who ignore us, and ignore those who adore us. That we hurt the ones who love us, and love the ones who hurt us.
I haven't really had the ideal relationship between my mother and I. A big part of that is my fault. My early teen years, I took all my hurt and pain, and unintentionally redirected it into angry towards my family, especially my mother and brother. I will forever regret all the pain and damage I have caused them. I pushed them away, when I should have pulled them closer. So because of my choices, they will forever echo in my life, bringing what I deserve for me to chew off what I dished out in the first place.
There are some days I wake up hating me, and everything about me. I am disgusted, and the depth of the feeling of loneliness, discouragement, depression, and despisement is far greater than some simple words. It is difficult for me to share inner feelings it brings a whole new level of venerability to the table.
I have been a big cause in why I have this relationship with my mother, she has a good heart. Maybe it is my punishment to watch those I love suffer and slowly die. I get what I deserve. I cannot even begin to explain how much I envy my friends who have a relationship with their mother. I watch with wanton eyes, and the cycle of self hate begins again.
There is so much I want to say yet, I am struggling to find the words.
I wrote my mother a letter today, telling her everything I have contained inside my heart for years. I know some things will hurt her. I don't mean for them to. I wish they didn't. But I cant go on living this lie anymore. Tonight its do or die.
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