Alright, after I posted my last copied post, it really got me thinking, and a suggestion from an amazing friend almost got me finished. Tonight as I was taking a break from an economic current events paper I was writing I decided to take my friends advice to go on LDS Singles and get a profile there.
I filled everything out, and got to the last page, 1 second and I would have my results posted. My profile would be out there on the market. Men could view my profile. I didn't push the finish or submit button. And I don't know why.
So I attempting to understand why. Maybe through critical thinking and repetitive writing I can understand why my heart is so afraid.
To be completely honest with you and myself, I haven't technically been in a relationship since I was 15. Its been a long time. I have had my moments of falling, and no one catching me. I have had my summer romances. I have my moments where I long so-o badly to be with someone, my heart is basically screaming out. And then I have my moments where I fill so hallowed out, I think men are just friends, and good as only friends. I don't think there is anyone out there for me. I really don't. I am not up for sifting and fishing, I am not willing to put my heart up on the market. Yet, that's the only way to find love. I think I might be afraid that I will be settling. But I don't know. Hopefully this will bring clarity.
Maybe I just want affection...a partner...a friend more than anything.
When I think I might be liking someone, doubts cloud my mind, and discouragement manifests itself. What if....he could be taken...he is too good here, not so good here...maybe I grew up with a list of expectations that are unrealistic.
I am so frustrated with myself! Love is the most simplistic thing, but so complicated at the same time. Exciting and terrifying. I would give someone myself whole-heartedly, and hopefully they would too in return, but I am afraid of hurting them, and hurting me.
Another unknown fact about me is that I have never been out on a date. Really. Never. I have just hung out. I am 19, NINETEEN and I am a virgin-dater. Either men are not asking women out on dates, or something has got to be wrong with me. My striving for perfection has done nothing for my romantic relationships. What more do I have to do.
I know my weight factors into it. As I want a man in good health with a nice body. Hey, it would be wonderful. I need someone I am attracted to. As he to I. But I am working on it.
Being lonely is nearly intolerable. I really wish not all the good ones were taken. Where is my prince charming? I always get surprised, and when I finally get to thinking "you know, hey maybe he really, genuinely likes me for me" poof. Their gone. Why?
Is there "too much" of me? I find a nice guy here, and nice guy there. They could just turn into perspectives, but they don't!
I am done writing for now. But I still cant figure this out. Maybe I am scared of the freaks. I am a freak because I am desperate like them? What makes one desperate? Will I ever find me the love of my life? I am just scared of the good? I don't know.
What does a girl gotta do to be the one and find the one?
I filled everything out, and got to the last page, 1 second and I would have my results posted. My profile would be out there on the market. Men could view my profile. I didn't push the finish or submit button. And I don't know why.
So I attempting to understand why. Maybe through critical thinking and repetitive writing I can understand why my heart is so afraid.
To be completely honest with you and myself, I haven't technically been in a relationship since I was 15. Its been a long time. I have had my moments of falling, and no one catching me. I have had my summer romances. I have my moments where I long so-o badly to be with someone, my heart is basically screaming out. And then I have my moments where I fill so hallowed out, I think men are just friends, and good as only friends. I don't think there is anyone out there for me. I really don't. I am not up for sifting and fishing, I am not willing to put my heart up on the market. Yet, that's the only way to find love. I think I might be afraid that I will be settling. But I don't know. Hopefully this will bring clarity.
Maybe I just want affection...a partner...a friend more than anything.
When I think I might be liking someone, doubts cloud my mind, and discouragement manifests itself. What if....he could be taken...he is too good here, not so good here...maybe I grew up with a list of expectations that are unrealistic.
I am so frustrated with myself! Love is the most simplistic thing, but so complicated at the same time. Exciting and terrifying. I would give someone myself whole-heartedly, and hopefully they would too in return, but I am afraid of hurting them, and hurting me.
Another unknown fact about me is that I have never been out on a date. Really. Never. I have just hung out. I am 19, NINETEEN and I am a virgin-dater. Either men are not asking women out on dates, or something has got to be wrong with me. My striving for perfection has done nothing for my romantic relationships. What more do I have to do.
I know my weight factors into it. As I want a man in good health with a nice body. Hey, it would be wonderful. I need someone I am attracted to. As he to I. But I am working on it.
Being lonely is nearly intolerable. I really wish not all the good ones were taken. Where is my prince charming? I always get surprised, and when I finally get to thinking "you know, hey maybe he really, genuinely likes me for me" poof. Their gone. Why?
Is there "too much" of me? I find a nice guy here, and nice guy there. They could just turn into perspectives, but they don't!
I am done writing for now. But I still cant figure this out. Maybe I am scared of the freaks. I am a freak because I am desperate like them? What makes one desperate? Will I ever find me the love of my life? I am just scared of the good? I don't know.
What does a girl gotta do to be the one and find the one?
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