Goals

It is good to visualize your goals...it helps you see your future, and gives you motivation. As for me with fashion design, I love fashion design. My life's purpose is to spread beauty. Gives quiet clarity huh. I want to change lives. I am sick and tired of everyone being so discriminative!

And it really irks me that people claim that the racial discrimination is so bad...that was America's past. Yes, there still is racism, but not from everyone like it was back then! It is now on and individual basis. It is nor longer just the blacks and whites. There is the red's, yellow's, White's, blacks, fat people, skinny people, high income people, people living in poverty, tall people, short people, the Mormons and the world, the extremes is where racism comes in. And I am tired of people making such a big deal out of the new black President. Yes, I agree it is a wonderful mile stone for America! It is a new day. But I am very opposed to the man running this beautiful land. His morals and beliefs are what made me vote for, well lets say a rather, silly man.

I hate, I mean HATE how the blacks were segregated and treated! It is one of the most appalling things to see, someone being discriminated against for looks or beliefs! They are PEOPLE, living, breathing, emotion filled, moving, real HUMAN beings. But to blame the past on the present is not right. I shouldn't have to feel the repercussions of someone who lived so long ago and made someone else suffer. Everyone should just go for their own, but not forgetting to stop and help others along the way who are lacking. It is proven to be beneficial in any arena.

But no, I forgot. This is America, no longer the land of the free and brave. It is sad to sad that if the founding fathers came back to life by a miracle, and set a foot in congress, they would all fall over dead from how horrible America is, and who is running it.

Wow, way off topic there, sorry my ramblings.

I want women to see themselves as beautiful. Everyone has a beauty, just as everyone has a genius. You can be beautiful at 100, 400, 500, 600, 1000 + pounds! No one knows what every pound of fat is worth, nor will they ever know the story behind it. I want to see that women stop running to the bathrooms after their done eating because its what "they said" was "in". Why do you HAVE to fit into a size 00? Who decided that was normal?! In fact, what is the definition of normal, I have looked it up and it doesn't mention who is normal, nor give examples of what is normal.

Who was made so great to decide this life altering and ever effecting choice and definition?

And that is why I must change the world. (Plus some, but I must go, time has been taken from my many outrageous amounts of homework). Acceptance is not chosen by one, but by many. Or is it the one who choses for her or him self?

My lovers have come and gone

Like a thunder storm rolls in and dumps all of its energy and concentrates on one particular spot, so did my friends. I felt like I was in high school again, but older, and happier. To see all of us together again and all at the same time was a miracle. We had a blast, late night movies at a dollar theater, a very longful wished for temple day, a fun filled night of junk food and bowling and playing of signs and another day filled with 4 hours of relaxing, yummy food, and more games of signs.

However in this life, the good times seem to pass quickly, I guess God is trying to teach us to hold everything that is precious closer to our hearts and to take care of them.

Lets get down to it!

Walking on cloud nine today, I am so excited and feeling amazing! My dearest friend Shaina is finally coming down to visit me after a long absence of her presence in my life. Oh how I have been looking forward to this for so very long. I think I could be the first to die of excitement! My other best friend, Kelsey, had her brother come home from serving a mission! I shared with them in their excitement as they also had a count down to see one they love. So we will leave him a nice welcome home present, pranking will be our top priority tonight! ( I cannot go into further detail for now, I might jeopardize our opportunity and incriminate ourselves before we got to have our fun!)

I have recently been thinking about the definition of a friend. And my definition has been somewhat shaky...probably just coming from the heart of a woman.

Anyways I am quite excited, as I get to have my temple day with Shaina. That is my favoritest place to be in the whole world. Earning my place there has been an uphill battle. And Saturday night will be amazingly fun. Getting together with my friends from high school years (my favorite past times) and bowling talking and flashes from every ones cameras is so intriguing to me.

I will be sad as they leave Sunday but not before I steal them as I try to rub some of their beauty, greatness and genius on me. Photos will be taken and memories will be made. Although the pictures don't have a life long span, they will give comfort and joy.

So lets get down to it!

I find human nature to be very interesting. Psychology is something valuable to learn-something I am spending alot of time studying as I want to make my relationships better. Because as he saying goes: "We adore those who ignore us, ignore those who adore us-hurt those who love us and love those who hurt us." Its a tragic really. I am slowly learning, but it will take time...time is something I have always struggled to keep in check.

So I will see what happens.

Today is an OK day

I really just wanted to write something (note the word something because currently I don't know what I want to write about, so maybe just through starting I will find out) today. My fingers are finally freed up enough from homework that I can afford to spill my feelings out through virtual paper.

I don't know why I wanted to write so badly today, enough to neglect homework...but maybe someone will read this who needs to hear it. I want to share something about my mother and mine relationship.

My mother has always been a good mother, she is human, but who isn't. When you calculate humanity into parenthood, she has far beyond that which is expected. In my life I have been greatly hurt by many. The stories I can share with you, would astound you, because they sound like they are the the things you can only dream of seeing in the movies. But that is not today's purpose for writing. When all was said and done, I would come home and cry, quietly and alone. I didn't want anyone else to see, in fear that they would recognize weakness and vulnerability, and prey upon it.

Shutting the people I love most out, and not a gentle shove either. I was harsh, and bitter. When the people who should have been getting what I was dealing got the exact opposite. Anyways. I was not the best daughter, nor sister during a certain period in my life, in fact I am surprised that they dared to even speak those words to me...those words were like an upgrade. Truth be told, I regret everything I did and said to them-everyday. My past actions stay with me, and to lose them is like losing 600 pounds. Hence the difficulty.

Although I was cruel, I still loved them very much, and they have proved that they still love(d) me. I strived so highly to obtain their acceptance, their approval, always being 1st in the class, always coming home with good grades, and next to perfect attendance. Never doing anything like what high school kids do....and yet it still wasn't enough. I still feel an empty, bottomless pit, a void that everything plus some that I, (Myranda Wilson) had and would ever do, would never be enough to amount to something of great value, of great appreciation, of great importance, something worth acknowledging and complimenting and praising and pining over. I would never be an inspiration...is it too much to ask to be recognized for greatness?

Well to get down to it, I have completely and utterly trashed my relationship with 2 very important people. And I deserve the karma that is making its rounds. Trying to repair a relationship, that has been tattered and torn is like trying to mend a wood door that has been splintered into millions of pieces...I know I cant do this alone, I must heavily rely on my older brother to do much of the healing-because without it wouldn't happen because in all honesty, I am nothing.

There is a new song out on the radio by Miley Cyrus, not that I am a die hard fan, or even a fan. But I really liked the message behind this song, and I want to share the lyrics, because it helps remind me during the more trying times in my life to keep my chin up. I feel somewhat more at easy, now with the reminder of homework, I am back to reality...

I can almost see it

That dream I’m dreaming but

There’s a voice inside my head sayin,

You’ll never reach it,

Every step I’m taking,

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking but I

Got to keep trying

Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,

The chances I’m taking

Sometimes they might knock me down but

No I’m not breaking I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I’m going to remember most yeah

Just got to keep going

And I,I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on,cause

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain

I’m always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes you're going to have to lose,

Ain’t about how fast I get there,

Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side

It’s the climb

Keep on moving

Keep climbing

Keep the faith baby

It’s all about

It’s all about

The climb

Keep the faith

Keep your faith

Venting...!

I am so-o tired today, short on sleep due to the sheer volume of continuous overflow of homework due, and overdue. I have so much to do on top of homework...ugh!
I have a credit card payment due, yet I do not have sufficient funds....no wonder why debt causes so much stress! I am pushing to lose weight, as it is a very important goal to me. I am struggling to keep up with school and grades, I feel like I am neglecting my friendships and relationships and this bothers me beyond description, I have no money and want to do things, I have to provide for my babies (not so much a problem, as it is having the funds), I have no me time, I haven't been going to church like I want and I know I need, I have to go to therapy because I just couldn't wait to fight, I cant fight or train until I get everything tucked away with my mother, I want to just be perfect, yet I am not!!!!!!!! ugh. More....I am breaking out majorly with zits...don't know why....I am missing things I need... I feel like a bad person....a bad everything...its just that I gotta fight the weight so it doesn't get me down. I feel bad because I dont do the best, my best all the time...I let people I love down...:(

Who is going to save the girl after she saves the world?

All my life I have strived and struggled to make the people in my life that I genuinely care about, proud of me. It takes alot of light to light so many lives. And to shine brightly through dirty glass, broken glass is beyond hard.
My senior year of high school I tore my ACL. This did more damage than measurable. Yes, I lost so much, gained some. Fighting gives me meaningful purpose. Confidence. And to have it waved in my face while I cannot obtain it, kills me and all the things I have worked for. [Hence the weight gain].
I keep on fighting to get back on top, but it seems that I am continually pushed down time and time again. I really don't know how strong I am, but the lack of, or the ferocity of how strong I am scares me. I am tried....I will write later.

Disappear

Yesterday I received a call from my martial arts teacher. We had previously been discussing my future career in kickboxing and MMA fighting. Due to the uncertainty of my rocky and unstable relationship with my mother, he asked me to talk with her before I trained. And try I did. But to no avail, i was not heard. Is that not what we all seek? To be listened to. I do. He told me that until I settle my differences with my mother I cannot come back and train. I understand why he is doing so, it is quiet the incentive for me to follow through, but cruel at the same time.

It broke my heart that he was denying me access to what I have wanted so badly and strived so earnestly to obtain for the past year and a half. This sport gives me a confidence, a passion, that little extra special something. I lost it when I tore my ACL and had the surgery. Maybe that is why i was so upset and afraid. When you find something that can give you a fix, and allows you to abandon all other addictions causing detrimental health, you hold on so tightly to that something. "When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end". Fighting gives me that fix. I have become dependant on it and what it does for me, to me-in every way possible.

My body is screaming at me, with pain from struggling to get out of the death choke I have placed on myself, unknowingly and at times knowingly. Everything hurts, but when I am fighting, and when I get into that ring, everything else is gone. My moment when everything else in the world seems to disappear and leave me be. I have given all I have to be able to train again, and I didn't give my all to not achieve. It was hell coming back from such a devastating blow. And it will be hell climbing on top. But if I am willing, there must be a way right?

Daughter to mother...

Tonight, I did one of the hardest things I have had to do. My heart breaks as it is filled with sorrow, it is breaking under the burden of contention. I find it ironic that we adore those who ignore us, and ignore those who adore us. That we hurt the ones who love us, and love the ones who hurt us.

I haven't really had the ideal relationship between my mother and I. A big part of that is my fault. My early teen years, I took all my hurt and pain, and unintentionally redirected it into angry towards my family, especially my mother and brother. I will forever regret all the pain and damage I have caused them. I pushed them away, when I should have pulled them closer. So because of my choices, they will forever echo in my life, bringing what I deserve for me to chew off what I dished out in the first place.

There are some days I wake up hating me, and everything about me. I am disgusted, and the depth of the feeling of loneliness, discouragement, depression, and despisement is far greater than some simple words. It is difficult for me to share inner feelings it brings a whole new level of venerability to the table.

I have been a big cause in why I have this relationship with my mother, she has a good heart. Maybe it is my punishment to watch those I love suffer and slowly die. I get what I deserve. I cannot even begin to explain how much I envy my friends who have a relationship with their mother. I watch with wanton eyes, and the cycle of self hate begins again.

There is so much I want to say yet, I am struggling to find the words.

I wrote my mother a letter today, telling her everything I have contained inside my heart for years. I know some things will hurt her. I don't mean for them to. I wish they didn't. But I cant go on living this lie anymore. Tonight its do or die.

Can he love her? Or is it the search for Mr. Right?

Alright, after I posted my last copied post, it really got me thinking, and a suggestion from an amazing friend almost got me finished. Tonight as I was taking a break from an economic current events paper I was writing I decided to take my friends advice to go on LDS Singles and get a profile there.

I filled everything out, and got to the last page, 1 second and I would have my results posted. My profile would be out there on the market. Men could view my profile. I didn't push the finish or submit button. And I don't know why.

So I attempting to understand why. Maybe through critical thinking and repetitive writing I can understand why my heart is so afraid.

To be completely honest with you and myself, I haven't technically been in a relationship since I was 15. Its been a long time. I have had my moments of falling, and no one catching me. I have had my summer romances. I have my moments where I long so-o badly to be with someone, my heart is basically screaming out. And then I have my moments where I fill so hallowed out, I think men are just friends, and good as only friends. I don't think there is anyone out there for me. I really don't. I am not up for sifting and fishing, I am not willing to put my heart up on the market. Yet, that's the only way to find love. I think I might be afraid that I will be settling. But I don't know. Hopefully this will bring clarity.

Maybe I just want affection...a partner...a friend more than anything.

When I think I might be liking someone, doubts cloud my mind, and discouragement manifests itself. What if....he could be taken...he is too good here, not so good here...maybe I grew up with a list of expectations that are unrealistic.

I am so frustrated with myself! Love is the most simplistic thing, but so complicated at the same time. Exciting and terrifying. I would give someone myself whole-heartedly, and hopefully they would too in return, but I am afraid of hurting them, and hurting me.

Another unknown fact about me is that I have never been out on a date. Really. Never. I have just hung out. I am 19, NINETEEN and I am a virgin-dater. Either men are not asking women out on dates, or something has got to be wrong with me. My striving for perfection has done nothing for my romantic relationships. What more do I have to do.

I know my weight factors into it. As I want a man in good health with a nice body. Hey, it would be wonderful. I need someone I am attracted to. As he to I. But I am working on it.

Being lonely is nearly intolerable. I really wish not all the good ones were taken. Where is my prince charming? I always get surprised, and when I finally get to thinking "you know, hey maybe he really, genuinely likes me for me" poof. Their gone. Why?

Is there "too much" of me? I find a nice guy here, and nice guy there. They could just turn into perspectives, but they don't!

I am done writing for now. But I still cant figure this out. Maybe I am scared of the freaks. I am a freak because I am desperate like them? What makes one desperate? Will I ever find me the love of my life? I am just scared of the good? I don't know.

What does a girl gotta do to be the one and find the one?