Christmas eve's thoughts...beauty the aftermath of a storm

I sat looking out my bedroom window last night, as I wrapped myself in my blanket and watched as the harsh winds blew, shaking every tree, blowing the storm in over the beautifully painted mountains. I thought to myself as I usually do, how storms can bring the most grand of sights.

The cool harsh winds uproot the plants that are not deeply planted where they ought to be, and it pushes you around, making you feel insignificant being so small in such a big place, where there are bigger and better, stronger. I thought, I have been weak many times. I have been pushed around many times. What is more right? To be strong, or weak? To be pushed around, or to stand the ground given to us?

And then comes the hail, or the sharp bitterness and sting of the heavy fire. It hits you out of no where, destroying everything that is tender. Following it is the rain, drowning you inside of its sorrow, hardly letting one come up for a breath of air. And then the blizzard. You cannot see anything, not even your own feet. Where you must stand, blinded, and hope you are standing on firm ground, where you will remain unharmed during the storm.It begins to swirl the past up into sight. As you put your head down in grief, while wiping away the tears that came from the places of your heart that only one knows of, one more look up and notice it is finally slowing. Soon it is softly falling.

After a treacherous, raging, dark, destructive storm passes, have you ever stopped to look, feel, smell - all the wonder of the things there manifested through the storm? Listen, yes, your right, there is no sound, no noise. Its is breathtakingly silent, peaceful.

Smell, all the things, there is a crisp, rejuvenating, refreshing, and unique smell to follow, for a surety. The old is gone, leaving you with the dreams and hopes of a brighter future that you can live.

Look, everything is clearer, you can see everything, it is so crystal clear. They say that as children we look through the world in colored glass, but as we age, we look at life through a magnifying glass, and as life goes, it tends to gather dust, and fog up, and as the storm passes, it is clear again, it is beautiful, and all the dirt, and mess are washed and cleaned right off. It wont be too long before another storm comes to alter your vision, but clarity is a blessing an I will take any chance I get.

Feel, its the feeling of change. The feeling of something new. Rebirth, somewhat a vindication. Transformation.

Breathe it all deeply and profoundly in. Let the newness dance through your entire entity, revitalizing all the beauty of youth in your heart and even deeper, your soul. This is when the world is most beautiful.

Everything is at one.

That is something that you can compare to life, because in all honesty. It cant rain forever, let hell and earth combine up against you, and do not worry be still, the Lord is in all.

What I long to hear...my heart longs to hear...

August to March. My longest months. My hardest months. The loveliest months. Such a contradictory. These months I find are the most romantic of the year, and everybody seems to have a somebody. I want to cuddle by a far, be held because it is cold, and share my kisses with my best friend. I want to be hugged until my heart stops beating and he takes my breath away. My heart is filled of loneliness. And I am scared of lonely. It is hard to stand alone. I try to be patient, but I need comfort late at night. I got lost in a dream. The heart I hear beating is my own. Imagining is a great comfort, but when my mind won’t allow my heart to produce what I see, I can only see myself standing on a bridge alone, beautiful. And waiting. It is hard.
Love is enough. If I had love, it would be all I need. I am dehydrated from it. Oh how I long to be immersed in such a dream. It will spill out his mouth like a rain storm falling on my face, or a waterfall to swim in. I wonder what it would feel like to find the one I have been dreaming of – but dreams are never enough. I want to find the one I will spend forever with. I will search the ends of the earth until I find him finding a diamond in the rough isn’t an easy thing to do; but I don’t want to be the last one, and I want to love fiercely while holding someone’s life in my hands. I want to feel like someone cares. I want to be pursued.
I long to hear that I am beautiful. That I am needed. Wanted. I want to hear that I am loved. I want for someone to want to spend their life with me. I want to hear that out of 8 billion people here on this earth, I am the one that they want to spend forever with. I want to hear and say "I do". Why is it so hard to get the one thing I want. The one thing I am without. I feel desperate for it. But I cannot act it.
All these things I want to hear, I need to hear on a daily basis. Until then, friends will do. I need them even more.
Missing Treasure

The missing treasure of this sinking vessel

On the seafloor, where it would nestle

Against the base for years it'd lay

Patiently waiting for that special day

When I would come to claim my prize

Hoping the chest to my surprise

Would hold the heart that I've been missing

The talks, the laughs, the hugs, the kissing

That day has come and now I'll find

What lies ahead, no longer behind

I've searched through darkness, to the deepest sea

And found that chest staring back at me

What lies inside, I do not know

Unlock the latch and open slow

I peek within, with nerves I'm shaking

The prize inside could stop the aching

Cause within the chest that I've searched for

I found the heart and even more

The talks, the laughs, they all were there

The hugs, the kisses, for me to share

The most beautiful treasure I've finally seized

Did not imagine I could be so pleased

I searched so long through the deep sea blue

I love you baby, my prize is you- Jordan Schnarr -

A new found light...

I found something inside of me I didn't think was there, that it even existed in my entity. But to discover a light within myself, was at first glance , frightening and intimidating. Why is it that it was so. I should have been excited, relieved. It has become that now. It brings beauty, a breathe of life, a hearts warm hands a gentle touch. Solace is the gift the my light brings. I can see myself as someone different...someone better. My heart no longer aches in anguish but aches because of the goodness that I know. Sweet peace. Enter in the arms of my big brother, and join me in serenity with him for eternity. Close your eyes, and smile.

The countdown to Christmas

My school is officially ending Friday. Still too soon, yet not soon enough. With a pile of homework laughing in my face, making fun of the fact that i yet have to write three essays and give time that I cannot because it is not. How nice it would be to own my own time. It is mine after all right? I should decide who gets it, and when, I would be fully and happily devoted then.
But that is not this day. So I will continue working through my days of strenuous college work, with late nights of more homework than I can chew, least to say bite off. I am trying to find humor in my situation, yet it seems to be hiding somewhere only few know.
I sit at a wonderful after school program, I am working with what they consider high risk children. I don't understand why they label them by such an intimidating title. These children are beautiful, with genius minds. Little models, and chefs in the making. Why put a damper on them by calling them names?
the snow is softly falling as I look out the window. And yet again, the loneliness of not having a man, to be with creeps up and swallows me and completely engulfs me entirely. It almost looks like a movie, I wish I could replay the snow fall. It is beautiful. Why is love so fiercely sought after? Desired? At times its unbearable. Until I hear the dingle of a message from my friend. My dear, dear friend. Is it so, can it be? That someone so special can fill such a deep, bottomless, hollow pit inside the one thing that cannot be touched? Yes. Yes. Take comfort in that. I do.
As I prepare for the weeks to come. I feel intimidated by the shoes and tasks I must fill. The neck of my home will be impaired for 14 days. I will take care of an entire household. Maybe my baby hunger will be suppressed by this, but not even working with these children feeds my heart.

How can I silence my heart, it is crying out for a love? If you can tell me, do so now, if not, prepare for more of my hearts lyrics.

I never thought I would see the day come when I would actually be able to smile with real and purposeful intent. But I have climbed the mountain, but there are more to climb, come with me on my adventure,be here, and enjoy the splendor with me.

All I really, truely desire and want for Christmas is...

The expressions of my heart are difficult to speak of, because in all honesty, I don't think that any words, or combination of them will ever fully justify my heart. It has a song that can only be heard by those truly listening to me.
Winter is the most beautiful time of year, but also the most loneliest. Not even Valentines day can strip me like this. I at constantly reminded that yet again, as another year passes, I am single, with no suitors in sight, only one in mind, yet he is half way across the world and will not be able to show me his smiling approving, seeking face for a year and ten months.

All the couples together, getting married, walking hands, holding each other in the cold, smiling while they look into each others eyes, and gifting and showering each other with kisses and symbols of their love and affection for each other.
The best thing i can do is stay busy, focusing on my future goals, but then again, I want him, I want someone to be part of my future goals. Really that's all I really want deep down inside, a man to hold me, love me, tell me he loves me, adores me, shares with me, needs me, wants me. If all these are such simple actions, then why is it so difficult to come across it, and actually keep it?

The men in my life, or lack there of, have rarely measured up to what I want in my husband, only one. I can find no flaws with him, or I may be just smitten completely and oblivious to any imperfection. I decided I was not going to settle for less than I deserve, but am I aiming too high now? I have quite the task ahead of me. Although I have the best family, and the best of Gods elect as my friends, there is one part they can all never meet; only the love of my life. Wishing I had 20-20 vision both looking forward and as foresight, I could see if we would spend every day until the rest of our lives together, because that's what I want.

I want cuddle by the fire in his arms with a cup of hot coco, and listen to his heart beat while the melody of crackling fire, and soft floating Christmas music sails through the air, and the world is painted a glorious white by Gods touch, with bright small magnificent colors lighting up the world around us.
I am constrained and reluctant to tell him, I do not want him to lose focus of his goal, but I do not want to be forgotten nor replaced... Hopefully he can hear my hearts crying song for him across the world, I can only pray that this is true; his is distant, I don't want to imagine it up to make me feel better, but my young heart needs to for survival. Maybe he really did leave his heart with me when he walked out my door for the last time, and he coming back to get it, or give it completely when he returns.