How to make me happy, how to make my heart smile, laugh, live.

I have previously stated that it is not difficult to please me. Since I have had a few inquires about my statement, what makes it so easy to do…I don’t understand why so many people are so unhappy, why they struggle to come across one insignificant slender ray of happiness, why they are always wanting. Happiness should never be a foreign term, even to those of the least of us.

To answer their questions, as well as yours if you have them here are my answers:

*When you think of me tell me

*Ask me how I am doing, if I don’t sound very convincing, don’t hesitate to ask again.

*Talk with me; share your thoughts with me. Pay attention to me as I talk with you about life and everything about life. Make me feel like I am the only one.

*Listen to me; don’t just hear me and my words.

*Surprise me: text me, call me, write me. Send me flowers; come see me at work or school.

*Make time for me.

*If you love me, tell me!

*Play with me.

*Grow with me, let me grow with you. Lets get through life together, side by side.

*Be there for me

*If I make you happy, tell me!

*If I am deserving of a compliment [in your eyes], tell me.

*Be you, I love and appreciate all of you for all that you are, all that you can and will be. You’re truly great!

*Don’t leave me alone. Don’t abandon me.

*Simply give me a smile, just a smile. Guaranteed I will smile right back.

*Hug me, hold me, and cuddle with me.

*Joke with me, tease me, pursue my love and friendship; I will never stop loving you or being your friend. It is not possible for my heart to let go once you have entered in.

*Give me your efforts, make me laugh.

*Get lost inside of me, my world. Enjoy it. Let me do the same with you.

*Talk with me, get inside my head. Dream with me, aspire with me, hurt with me, inspire me, encourage me, never give up on me, and tell me you believe in me.

*Say what you need to say; do what you need to do. And mean it.

You cannot buy me, any of me. I will just thank you with fond gratitude; you can own a piece of my heart by:

*loving me for me

*being honest [by being you]

*saying yes/no as needed

*being involved in my life

*making me laugh and smile

*hugging me

*listening

*being my friend

*enjoying me

*accepting me, flaws and all

*letting me love you - it is fierce, but ever so genuine...

In loving memory

Every day I have lived since you have been gone,
I have thought of you, your memories.


I miss you.

So much.

It is overwhelming in my being.

Where are the wings that made me fly, the strong arms that caught me as I fell? The shoulder I cried on? The heart I depended on? The counsel of the ones I loved?

My heart tries to ignore the weight of distance and time. But it is a heavy burden to simply dismiss.

I miss the years that have been erased.

I lust after the time I was vicously robbed of. Their time with my, memories we would have made, everything on them was stolen from me.

I miss all the little things; the way you smelt,
how you smiled,
the beautiful color that filled your eyes.
Your warm embrace.
The way you would kiss me.
How special I felt next to you. With you.
How you always told me you loved me,
and how beautiful I was.
How you believed in me,
and all I could be.
I felt like I could fly with you. Even walk on water.
I miss how you could make me laugh and smile.
The comfort you gave as my young heart needed.
I never thought that they would mean everything to me.

I wish you were here.

Pictures are my only comfort, as you slowly fade in my memory through time.

It is miserable the years you are missing. I always thought I would have you.

Do I make you proud?
I want to make you proud.

I can’t say how much I miss you. How much I love you.

I envy those I am surrounded by who have someone like you.
It’s not fair that I don’t get more time to be with you,

I would give anything.

Memories are so cruel, when you cant be with the one your remembering.

You made my life so bright. Why did you have to go?

I needed you.
I need you now.

You took a part of me when you left.

I miss you.

I cant help but wonder how much we've missed together.

If I could just see you, everything would be alright.

I miss you.

Why?

I have been asked why I love mixed martial arts and fighting so-o much...

I thought long and hard about the underlying reason(s).

There are 2 main that I discovered.

1) I love being happy, for some reason, it makes me ultimately, and genuinely happy.

2) It gives me confidence, hope, drive, passion. Otherwise, without, I find myself lacking.

I look forward to my future with martial arts. It is a part of my entity.

I have also been questioned about my intents with becoming a fashion designer.

I never really thought about doing fashion designing when I was a little girl, I always dreamed of helping people, animals, curing them. I wanted to be a doctor, or a vet.

As I grew older, law caught my attention. I enjoyed how intense it was.

But still, it wasn't enough. I want to live a life worth living.

After having a chunk of my life cruelly stolen from me, I began to have a change in my body. Happiness no longer existed within me. My heart hurt, literally.

When nothing takes pain away, I turned to the most constant thing in my life, food.

I no longer fit into the size 8 I wore. The numbers began to grow. My heart reached depths I didn't know could even exist.

I was so completely and utterly frustrated, I decided to make clothes for everyone, every size. So the more, voluptuous, curvy, plus sized women, didn't have to wear grandma styled clothing. Since then I have discovered I want to design on behalf of every women, who has ever lived. There has not been one women who has lived and not struggled to find something to fit them. I want to give the world what they crave. Everyone deserves to be happy. Comfortable. Period.

I want to change Hollywood. When is just being a women enough for them?

I say it is enough. Stop bashing us at every chance you have.

So what, there is a small percentage of people who wear a double zero...who cares! I will never be a double zero, nor do I wish to be. Since when does a tag with numbers on it define a person?

Does a test like the ACT test really define how smart you are? NO.

So why should something you choose to wear define you?

Look at all that we accomplish!

On my wall, in my portfolio, I have lists of countless achievements, awards, certificates. Things many people envy.

Yet to Hollywood, they are worthless.

Whatever, watch one day as I change the world. No matter how long it takes, I will do it. If there isn't a way, I will make a way. I will not bend to please you. I live to please the people I love, and who love me. I want to make me happy, really, genuinely happy. I deserve to be happy.

Hold on with me, its going to be a ride.

Tragedy, senioritis in freshmen

So, school is almost out.

I plowed through the last week of finals,

one more week to go. *sigh of relief*

I have just a business law test, and macroeconomics test and I am done.

I want to run away to a far away place, somewhere foreign.

I crave adventure.

Whats next?

I think I may just devote all my time to getting myself a job,

so I can pay for my life instead of "free-riding" of my parents.

I know that there is more that I want,

unfortunately, it is hard to discover what my heart is longing for.

Love?

Adventures?

Relaxation?

Travel?

Work?

New?

or

Familiarity?

I don't know now, maybe I will find out soon...

Another love[less] posting...

After finals, or more half way through finals I finally have some time to pour my mind, and dispose of many lectures and thoughts that have been building in my brain.

I wish to speak of love, as it seems I go through seasons, I often wish I had one to love, and to be loved by, but I also have my opposite reasoning of why I should not; and writing what I feel seems to take the sting of emotion from me. Even if for but just a moment.

It is frustrating not being in a relationship, while I watch friends, acquaintances, strangers walk and talk with their lovers, I cant help but envy what I don't have. But is that not what we all do? We want what we don't have, and take for granted that which we do. It seems like everyone already has someone and I missed out. I feel as if I am a child looking through the glass at the candy store. I cant touch it. And I dont understand why I am so stuck on this dream.

I am glad I am not alone in this journey to find the one who I will spend the rest of my life with. It is tedious work, to be single and taken. Currently I would rather deal with being taken than the former. I am happily single, but would be more happy if I were taken. Its a tragedy we spend our life time trying to find that someone who we should be spending our life time with...

I am unsure if I am afraid of commitment, I thought only men were terrified of it. I will try to figure this out on my own. I want to completely spill my thoughts and dispose of them.

Why I want to be in a relationship:

There seem to be several reasons. I love having someone to cuddle with, my sole love to spend time with, someone to claim as my own, and be claimed as theirs. I love the happiness love brings, it makes change easier. Which is wonderful to me, as change frightens me, to my core. I am afraid of losing, losing everything, and anything. I want to be excited in the morning as I wake, waiting to hear from that one person. The high love brings cannot be obtained from any other source known by man. I want that high, I long for it. Love is exciting, always.

Maybe because I have chosen to stay single for so long, I am tired of it. As I said love brings change. Courage to love. I want to kiss someone and not worry about them taking off after. I want to feel protected, secure, sure, loved. It is not difficult to please me.

Surrounded by love songs, romantic movies, and the excitment of the summer season calls to me to follow with everyone and take the walk. I want someone to be happy to have me. I want to be excited to see the future, find flowers sent to me. I want to be thought about as much as I think about them. I want a peice of their heart, and I want to give someone mine. I want to be lost in love. I want to hold hands and kiss in public. I want to be appreciated and appreciate them. I want to be their all, their world.

Why I am reluctant to be in a relationship:

I do not want to abandon love. I barely have time for myself, and those whom I already love in my life. I do my best to make sure I tell them I love them, this is so important to me. Speaking what you feel for others is so important. When you watch someone you love almost die, and you sincerely think about the questions about what was the last thing that person heard you say, it terrifies you that you may have not told them how much you love them, and appreciate them. How much they mean to you, what they have done for you in your life. Say what you need to say. I think it is better to take the jump and fall rather to sit idly by and watch life pass you by. That is a bitterly awful way to live life. Even worse to run away from life itself.

I also do question, if I would, could be good enough for them. I want to give someone the world. Maybe I give myself high expectations, but I would rather aim high and fall, then aim too low, and hate myself in the morning. No commitment is OK for some. It is the thrill of the chase. But when your doing all the chasing, it gets rather boring, redundant, tiring. I want to be pursued as well. It takes 100% and 100%. I don't want to be hurt. Nor do I wish to hurt someone I love, have loved. No one deserves to have a hurting, broken heart.

Maybe I am picky...too picky. ?

There is no prospects in my life, although I wish that there were. My love life, rather, the lack of, seems to mock me. Love is a hell of price to pay. The question is, am I willing to pay it? My offer currently stands as yes.

But who knows, tomorrow may come and change. Or it may bring who I am looking for, or someone to help me get there.

Throw my mind into the jar, pass it around look what comes from it.

What can I tell the world? I will never say enough.

Where is my place?

Should I keep chasing pavements, even when they lead no where?

My heart drops, I resist the temptation to allow my head to drop. Yet I get the feeling as my heart has already dropped, it takes precedence over my head. It must be far worse.

I heart literally hurts for someone.

I am worried about my Shaina.

Shaina, I love you. Chin up love.

Just as you never gave up on me, I will never stop striving to make you happy and see your heart smile. She believes in me, even when I have lost all faith and will to believe in me. When I cannot she carries the weight of my heart willingly.Thank you for being all you are, it is enough. It is more than enough. I wish I could mend your heart, I would rather take your pain as my own. I miss you. Oh what great depth those words bear.

Its imperative that I talk about those who occupy my life, as I am very happy I have them and feel grateful that I am lucky enough to be graced by their presence in my life, even more so to call them my friends.

Shaina: The big sister I love. My super hero.

I have never had a sad moment in her presence. If I had words for how wonderful Shaina is, they would be increasingly and greatly inadequate for her greatness. She inspires me to greatness, and pulls me through life by the hand. She makes me believe I can walk on water. Everything works in her arms. I love to be with her, around her, talk with her, in doing so, I get some of her light and beauty to rub off onto me. I am sorry I cannot take away that which pains you. I now understand what my mom used to say "that its hurts me more than it will ever hurt you." Nothing hurts worst than watching those you love suffer, while you must stand idly by and cannot fix whats broken, or calm whats hurting, or even ease the pain in the least degree. I want to be the one to save my super hero.

She is beautiful, inspirational, strong, lovely, amazingly stunning, breathtakingly gorgeous.

She glows. She is happiness. Her heart of gold cannot break. She is a miracle.

Kelsey: the friend who has seen all of me, yet has not trembled, even as she saw the darkest parts of my heart. Her example illuminates my life. If I were "decent" that would be an upgrade to how wonderful and amazing Kelsey is. She has been a blessing in my life, a shoulder to lean on when my world has come to a screeching halt and I cannot carry my world alone as the weight crushes every effort to move forward even an inch. I often take my troubled heart and mind to her, and she has all the answers. She can always put a smile on my face. And she can fill my life with laughter once again, even when I feel like it would impossible to ever again.

Sadies: This girl is amazing. She is so-o genuine and loving to people. To me. She gives motivation a new name. I love spending time with her, as I can be who I am without judgement. She sings with beauty in her voice. She is so fun to be with, and so thoughtful of others. She is a moving force. I would give anything to be like her.

P.S. I love her innocence. She is truly beautiful.




Heather: This girl is the kick in pants that I need. She is always so positive and quick to remind me how beautiful she thinks I am and how much she loves me. She is true friend and always a blast to play with. There is never a dull moment around her, always laughing, smiling, rolling on the floor. Life is never boring with her. I love her spontaneity and her attitude. She is accomplished, and I wish I were like her. She will dance me to higher highs.

I love these beautiful women fiercely. They are the good in my life and I don't ever want to lose what is so-o wonderful. They pull me along, they make me better. I am never alone with such amazing people. I don't know how I was so blesses with such wonderful beings, but I have been and I wont lose them, I wont put them down, I wont let them go. Their love is sufficient for me to get through in life.

Thank you for letting me be me, and loving me despite all my weakness, flaws, and all else that makes me the lesser of you.

Thank you for understanding me, and never giving up on me.

Thank you for making my grey days bright and warm.
Thank you for being my guild, my shelter, comfort, my example.

I will be your shadow. I will follow you in your success, I will strive to be all that you are. I will be OK if I am with you at your side.

I am eternally indebted to your goodness.

Love me, Myranda.

Xoxo

140 + things I want to do before I die....

1) Give joy to others
2) Make the people I love proud of me and respect me
3) Be independent, but dependent on others love
4) Never give up
5) Light up someones world
6) Make the impossible, possible
7) Forgive everyone, including me
8) Help people with addicitons
9) Don't forget to love myself
10) Change a life
11) Change the world
12) Take my time, enjoy life and everything in it
13) Smile everyday, everywhere. Enjoy life everyday despite what life brings
14) Don't ever be consumed by money
15) Sky dive with my best friends
16) Walk on water
17) Laugh everyday
18) Make sure everyone has food, and shelter
19) Never let go of those I love
20) Be someones everything
21) Never forget someones birthday
22) Give youth a chance for education by funding them
23) Never hate myself, or another
24) Have integrity
25) Stop poverty
26) Love without reluctance
27) Ask a stranger on a date (courage builder)
28) Make people laugh
29) Drown and be drowned in love
30) Give someone deserving a new life
31) Never criticize another
32) Dance every morning, in the rain too
33) Discover a cure
34) Have my own martial arts place, train others for free
35) Be lovely
36) Build a transportation machine
37) Never say "I'm too busy" always make time for someone
38) Hold a new born baby of my own
39) Meet someone new everyday
40) Pay for someones bills and groceries
41) Learn how to fly
42) Lose my weight, and help others do the same
43) Build a school for children in another country
44) Never live "pay check to pay check"
45) Be the worlds best woman fighter
46) Hug someone, make all their pain go away
47) Adopt a child
48) Never complain even when it seems reasonable
49) Glow and shine, help others to do the same
50) Sing a song
51) Never lose a dream or faith
52) Travel the world
53) Fly to the moon
54) Be charming
55) Serve someone in need
56) Grant peoples dreams
57) Be a doctor (like Patch Adams)
58) Defy gravity
59) Spread beauty, change what "defines" beauty
60) Move a mountain
61) Save a life
62) Be the most genuine person people know
63) Judge others off of their character, completely
64) Do what I want to do in life, not because I have to
65) Never be bored
66) Instead of rolling out of bed, roll over
67) Help others with trials (talk and share experiences)
68) Be strong, yet vulnerable at the same time
69) Spread happiness
70) Never sleep on angry words or feelings
71) Help women love themselves, and men understand women
72) Never place a persons worth below anything
73) Figure life out
74) Create freedom
75) Be involved in life
76) Write a book
77) Be outgoing
78) Think and say good things about everyone
79) Be brave
80) Make a better life for future generations
81) Kiss in the rain
82) Live a life worth living
83) Run for president of the USA
84) Graduate with a major in business, and fashion design, and a minor in interior design
85) Speak over 5 languages
86) Make a good life
87) Run a marathon for a cause
88) Help others achieve success
89) Go to law school, become a lawyer to help fight for peoples rights
90) Never yell or fight with someone, always speak and act with kindness, never say or do anything out of anger or to spite someone
91) Build a time machine
92) Visit the sick
93) Drive the worlds fastest car
94) Read the worlds biggest book
95) Make old people smile
96) Always joke, find humor in life
97) Live unconventionally
98) Never leave anyone alone
99) Discover life
100) Die surrounded by my loved ones, never leaving a bad memory on my life
101) Learn to say "no"
102) Learn to say "yes"
103) Find balance in life
104) Make the worlds most comfortable, amazing bra
105) Create safety
106) Comfort the troubled at heart, be the shoulder someone needs
107) Catch a shooting star
108) Find needs, fulfill them
109) Back pack across the world
110) Become the smartest person to live
111) Live to be the oldest person in the world
112) Be an inspiration
113) Take pain away from peoples hearts
114) Live my life like its a miracle
115) Capture life
116) Have enough money to retire by age 23
117) Become famous enough to change the world
118) Start my own fashion design business
119) Command a rooms attention
120) Be the first woman president
121) Create a miracle
122) Be a miracle
123) Attend the Olympic games
124) Be in [some form] of the military
125) Become an FBI/CIA/SWAT team agent
126) Road trip the USA
127) Graduate from pilot school
128) Kiss on the Eiffel Tower
129) Publish a book that will be a best seller
130) Build a tree house and live in it for a day or two
131) Be at the highest point off of the earth
132) Ride the fastest and highest roller coaster
133) Change Hollywood
134) Know and recognize me always
135) Pick up the pieces and make things better
136) Do it all and stay me, except in cases where improvement is imperative to accomplishment
137) Be anything I want to be, but if I cant be more, know that I am sufficent as I am
138) Capture the smell of rain
139) Be captivating
140) Unstand the world of men
141) Make history.

Thoughts for April 1st 2009

I went to the temple yesterday with my best friend, Kelsey. It was beautiful. I had a wonderful experience. Special.

It got me to thinking. About many things. Have you ever thought about the love that you and Christ share? Alright to make my point, think about the following things.

When a woman is pursued by a man, what happens?

-there is JOY, you know, waking out of bed, excited for the day, waiting on his first text ect...
-there is motivation for life and success, it drives us to be better
-there is courage for change, most become healthier, and lose weight
-smiles are bigger, whiter, more commonly seen, not just through their lips, but eyes

The point is, love transforms. Everything.

I have only been in love once, and it being more one sided, even then, changed my whole life. Imagine a man, deeply attached to me, fond of me, genuinely interested in me, pursuing me, my heart, all of me.

What would happen then?

So, if you take an infinite love, one that does not cease, waver, falter, with time, or distance, or feelings getting hurt, or appearance, or with everything life brings and all of the things in between. It never loses any value. For all of eternity.

It is nice to be loved as such. That is Christ-like love. He loves us like that. His loved is always offered, and always has been. Christ is the greatest lover. Should that alone, not be the pivoting point in our lives where we choose our future? I want to be with someone, somewhere where I am wanted and loved for just being me.

We all have been caught up in those "love triangles", where you like someone, maybe even almost love, and they only think of you as "the friend" or just the person, acquaintance, while they tell you of how they love someone else, and they show it.

How does Christ feel, when he has given us his life, just so he can love us. And we turn down that ultimate love, and he is left alone at night, wondering (OK, not so much wondering, waiting) how to win our hearts over. And we keep choosing sin, Satan, the other man. Who in all reality, doesn't care about us, doesn't love us.

Wow.

Here is a song, by Rihanna that I have tweaked and added, and took some to make my point about sin. And love. And Christ.

"Story of my life,

I've been searching for the right,

But it keeps avoiding me.

Sorrow in my soul,

Because it seems that wrong,

Really loves my company.

He's more than a man,

And this is more than love,

The reason that the sky is blue.

The clouds are rolling in,

Because I'm gone and sinned again,

To him I just can't be true.

I know that he knows we know I'm unfaithful,

And it kills him inside,

To know that I am happy,

With some other guy.

I can see him dying.

I don't wanna do this anymore,

I don't wanna be the reason why,

Every time I walk out the door,

I see him die a little more inside.

I don't wanna hurt him anymore,

I don't wanna take away his life.

I don't wanna be... A murderer.

I feel it in the air,

As I'm doing my hair,

Preparing for another day.

Still, a kiss upon my cheek,

We both know,

Where I'm about to go,

And we know it very well.

Our love,

His trust,

I might as well take a gun and put it to his head,

Get it over with.

I don't wanna do this,

Anymore.

I don't wanna do this anymore,

I don't wanna be the reason why,

And every time I walk out the door,

I see him die a little more inside I don't wanna hurt him anymore,

I don't wanna take away his life.

I don't wanna be... A murderer."

Obviously I have close experience with this, but I know all is well. And I want you to know too. Christ didn't just die for every sin we commit only once, otherwise, his atonement would not be an infinite atonement, it is called that because it covers every sin, and every time we have committed that sin. That truely is a God-like characteristic, to cover EVERYTHING.

The beauty of LOVE.

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

Wow it has been a ridiculous amount of time since I last wrote anything. There is so many things that have been filling my life up, and pushing other things out. Some for the good, some for the bad. But more so good than not so.

I have made wonderful new friends, and found great supports this last month. I am discovering a new part of me, and a new part of life. Motion is so lovely to be in, but as I struggle to hold on to savor the moment, joy takes over and precedes my desire and soon I am all run out of time.

I am not in rush, I am learning that maybe I can settle down after all. If I cant make it to school this year, I will go when I can. If I don't have a job right now, maybe the jobs out there aren't really meant for me. I take my dog with me, and we go on walks and runs on the more lovely days here in Utah, (if there are such things that exist). I sit in pure bliss, thinking and working. Enjoying time. Why must we be old and retired to enjoy time. Why not now?

I promised myself I would move on from my past and I have. A thorn I have had is gone, completely the wound is healing, and sometimes I pick at my scab. But that's OK. Change seems to be the most constant thing. And despite my rather, reluctance to it, I go.

I am training now, I enjoy the time I get to. The people I train with are fantastic people. I am learning another language in the process. The pain is worth it, every drop of sweat seems to bring me joy.

Although I am slowing down, I still have so much to do. I am struggling to keep up with the last 2 weeks of school, it feels like senioritis all over again, yet, I am a freshman!

Boys...boys come and go in my life, I have a few crushes now and then, a little jealousy of the girls who are getting married and having kids. But then I get to remember that my wedding will be just as wonderful, probably more so, my marriage.

I have come to find I have one of my most dearest of friends going to serve a mission. I was at first shocked to hear, as I read her blog. Sad, she was leaving, as I am awfully fond of her, and I greatly admire, depend, lean and am very attached to her. Texting is immediate, as writing snail mail seemingly takes years. But so happy for her, because I know its the right thing to do and will bring her joy beyond comparison.

Anyways I am again, short on time. And I must leave.

Birthdays

So why are birthdays "so important"? I asked my friend this question.

It is a reason to celebrate YOU.

You came into this world, and have grown,

expanded,

achieved success,

and are still achieving.

So why is it that when something is so important, or more like someone, they are forgotten about, and disregarded? Why is something else more important than a soul?

All I have asked for my birthday is the time of those I love, just them and their time.

Yet, I will be lacking.

Tragedy really. Maybe I deserve loneliness and suffering as punishment for my previous actions. I should just spend it alone. Happy Birthday to me. More Birthday to me than "happy".