Might I rant and rave for but a moment?

Quite frankly, this is the place I am most open, raw even.
It is a place where I can think about what I want-need to say, and put it into words.
Its a place where all emotion is read, heard, understood-not seen, my Achilles heel.

As you all know, my recovery is to be bumpy (when is it not?), I did not know that "bumpy" also meant, well, emotionally draining. I don't know why I didn't expect it not to be-after all, I have experienced only one other major experience like this. And it is most frustrating the emotional and mental toll that took on me; and I can but help to stop and think, that this time might be the same, or maybe worse as I was on the verge of breaking before I got "sick".

I am so frustrated, "sick" is the only thing I can call it-I don't know whats going on with me. And I hate it. Tonight it is very hard, to keep all my emotions in check.

For me, crying is one of the hardest things to do, to control as well. I hate crying in front of people. For reasons seen, and some only felt. Duties, obligations, threats and social expectations. It is silly of course, but none-the-less, crying, as physically easy as it is-hurts my in ways I cant explain. Yes, there are times when I have my releases, alone. And those are the sobs that seem to shake me to the core, my entire entity is filled with loneliness, sorrow, hurt, frustration...

I have always felt the duty to be the strong pillar in my family, to be strong and not show my weakness, which is so obviously shown when I cry, that means you have truly hit a soft spot and done some damage. I admit to having a tough interior and exterior, but I not hard hearted all the way through, I have my Achilles heel(s). I humor things up, there is nothing worse than scaring people, causing tragedy with no need. Life always lightens up eventually.

I have been fairly warned, my life was not intended to be easy "...my dear sister, your days on this earth will not always be easy..."; I consider that more than a fair warning. I am always happy with my end result, if that is what you choose to call it. I don't believe in endings "happy endings"..."end results"...ect. Life was not intended to end. Rather at times to come to a screeching halt to help you change the track your on.

A good read, Captivating by John and Stasi Elderidge, can very accurately explain a woman's heart. I have my inadequacies, my fears, my intimidation's. I feel them often and struggle to push them out. For the life of me, I cant figure why we like to sit and wallow in our troubles and such. Would we not want to move.

Just like falling into mud in a white dress, would you not want to run away from that mud as quickly as you could to go take off the dress, shower, and be new all over again. I wish I could forget somethings of my past. There are things I have done in my past, I most certainly am not proud of. Had I the opportunity to forget them, I might choose to do so, despite the consequences. But since I cannot see into the future, I might leave them, as they might help someone someday.


I made a connection tonight, between my weight and emotions, and my "purity" as we will call it. I am very surprised at this connection. They all feed (ironic I use the word feed) off of each other. The emotion/negative action is covered by food, which is then coated by more emotion and/negative action and then followed by a thicker coat of food. The cycle is deadly. I will most definitely be expounding upon such things at a later time, as I am emotionally drained, but I figure to write a small portion of my thoughts now, so I can remember them since I am apparently struggling with that currently.

I am just so tired of not being told the truth, I want to know whats wrong with me-I want to know so I can fix it. I can handle the pain, this I know with a firm surety. Matters of the heart, I cannot control so much as I wish.

I am sure my attitude and, well, me, will be adjusted and happy again after a good nights sleep. Thank you for listening to me.