Perplexity

I have never felt such emotions in my life. It is rather confusing to put it out there honestly. I find myself many a days wishing I was not given a heart, rather, not a woman's heart.

I literally feel like my life has hit a wall, come to a complete halt; I am just living. You know, going through the motions. And why?? I don't know the answer to that question. I want to so badly, I want to fix whatever is broken, missing. I want to LIVE, I want to feel the fire, I want to feel the passion, the burn, the drive, determination, the lack of fear, I want to feel the excitement of facing the danger, and building bridges and crossing them, I want to jump into the water with my eyes closed with both feet!! I want to feel!! I want my dreams to feel more like a reality.

I don't know how I lost my "light", I don't know where it is, how to get it back, I don't even know if I can get it back...

I don't really even care anymore, (not caring means not dealing with the pain of disappointment, shame, ect...) I don't care about my dreams, my passions of wanting to be a fashion designer, a fighter, a mom, a wife. I am just sick of caring. I am sick of it all. Yet, I cant define what "it all is".

How can one be so confused??

I am in my early 20's, and I feel like my life is passing me by, and I am letting it slip through my fingers because I am robot, and I cannot feel, think or live for myself. It seems life as done well at killing my heart.

Why? Why does it seem like I will never catch my break, like I will never see my dreams to come to pass, like I will never experience the joy that I have longed for?

Why?