Tiny dancer

Today I am full of melancholy; as I have many things to say, but feel as if I cannot say them to anyone but here.

First of all, I wish to speak of love. I watch as people become engaged to their lovers, and some are now carrying children, while I am barren, and as single as they come. It did not bother me as much before, as I was not alone and single, but I am starting to feel it now. Everyone is in love, has some to hold, and be loved by. I am the woman sitting on the bus stop bench watching, wishing that some were me, nothing intended-just switching places, you know "the grass is always greener on the other side" sort of thing. I feel like I am the one missing out; I hear how great marriage is, that only those who are married can understand it. And then I hear mommy's and daddy's talking about this "passion" their children bring them. I cannot deny it, I am jealous, I envy them.

Few very in numbers now in my broad group of friends are still single, if they are single, they are soon to be taken, and/or married. And I have no prospects in view. I am tired of waiting and watching. I don't want to put myself out there-is my singleness my fault? I dare not say. But I believe it to be true. I seek love, but at the same time I push it away. I am not part of the "in crowd" anymore-I have become irrelateable, I cant join in talks and gab about how wonderful my married life is with my amazing husband-I cant talk about how my kids are doing. I want this so badly, I have dreamt of it, many times. It is cruel to let me see, but not touch. It is a little discouraging and frustrating-OK wait, allot. I don't know if I am doing what I should to be found, because I want love to find me. Which is right? To find or be found?

Secondly, friendship. It is possible to be surrounded by so many, yet feel ever so alone. This is the worst type of loneliness, and yet it seems to occupy my life many days, my constant companion. I am afraid of being alone, and I am scared that very soon it will be so, as I have lost a dear friend, and have many others leaving to live their lives. Why must I have the heart I do, I wish I could be cruel, and cold, insensitive...I wish I couldn't get hurt. I wish goodbyes did not frighten me and hurt me so. I need these knifes surgically removed from my heart.

I don't want them to go, but I am so happy that they are, and I bask in knowing that life is finally giving them the break to live a little. But I still don't want them to go. I am a selfish person, I will admit it right now.

My heart yearns to take everyone in my heart, take them to a far away place with no worries, ever, and lock them away, to keep them. I don't want them to leave, or get lost in their journey's. I don't want them to forget me and move on without me. I need to be wanted and needed. It is torcher to have distance between you and another, especially when the actual distance is so close, but every other distance, you feel like you are as far away as opposite sides of the galaxy.

I just wish growing up wasn't so hard and that I was stronger...maybe my heart could handle things better. I just need someone to just hurry and come and either rip my heart out now and completely remove every piece or repair and mend the torn and broken parts, it hurts too much.