Melancholy

As I have been contemplating my life, I have missed somethings, some on my part, some due to the carelessness of others; some just because it couldn't happen then. I began to feel the pain of my memories-I am usually welcome and open to reminiscing, but last night was difficult. I miss the people who used to occupy my life-the times we had I wouldn't trade for the world. I miss how simple and easy things used to be.

I am afraid of getting my hopes high, as I fear a longer, faster, deeper fall, and more painful and detrimental "ouchy". Physical pain is easy for me to handle, I have fallen and gotten hurt more times than I can count, and I always make a full recovery. But when someone hurts my heart, I never get over it. Its never scarred over completely-never fully healed, if someone walks back into my life, or I re-hash the feelings of my past, the pain can bring back memories and tears to my eyes within seconds. It is overwhelming and consuming.

I must rant about someone...as I know they don't care enough to read this, I am positive that they wont. Why did you just stop caring? Why did you just give up on the friendship we had? Not many friendships are like the one we had. I gave everything I had on your behalf. Yet, you asked "where's mine?"...I am simple, I ask only for you, I don't care about your money, your social status. I just wanted you, and your time. And you cant even give me that. I am sick tired of almost calling you, deciding weather or not I should, pushing your speed dial on my phone and then hanging up before it has the chance to connect. I wish I didn't want to talk to you, I wish I didn't want to be around you. I wish I didn't care.

How difficult you have made things-I wish I didn't allow you to. You are "off in your own little world." I don't know you anymore, I don't know the things you do, who you like, who you hang out with, anything....

And I want to say goodbye to get over this, but I don't...but your making me.