I find it impossible to ever stop dreaming, but when I look through the glass of "adulthood", all the colors fade to grey, and I can see all the cracks and dips along the way. The journey doesn't appear so alluring anymore, the excitement of the adventure quietly hides away.

I need to get my eyes fixed so I can see the world the way I once saw it, when I was able to set out and do anything and everything and defy all the odds that I knew might-would be there. I am wondering, is it too late? I already know it is far away, or at least it feels that way-I'm just going through the motions. But once gone, does it leave forever?

I used to be a dreamer before sorrow took my heart captive and stole all my hopes and dreams and hide them from my eye. I miss dreaming, I'm scared that my hope is permanently lost.

Melancholy

As I have been contemplating my life, I have missed somethings, some on my part, some due to the carelessness of others; some just because it couldn't happen then. I began to feel the pain of my memories-I am usually welcome and open to reminiscing, but last night was difficult. I miss the people who used to occupy my life-the times we had I wouldn't trade for the world. I miss how simple and easy things used to be.

I am afraid of getting my hopes high, as I fear a longer, faster, deeper fall, and more painful and detrimental "ouchy". Physical pain is easy for me to handle, I have fallen and gotten hurt more times than I can count, and I always make a full recovery. But when someone hurts my heart, I never get over it. Its never scarred over completely-never fully healed, if someone walks back into my life, or I re-hash the feelings of my past, the pain can bring back memories and tears to my eyes within seconds. It is overwhelming and consuming.

I must rant about someone...as I know they don't care enough to read this, I am positive that they wont. Why did you just stop caring? Why did you just give up on the friendship we had? Not many friendships are like the one we had. I gave everything I had on your behalf. Yet, you asked "where's mine?"...I am simple, I ask only for you, I don't care about your money, your social status. I just wanted you, and your time. And you cant even give me that. I am sick tired of almost calling you, deciding weather or not I should, pushing your speed dial on my phone and then hanging up before it has the chance to connect. I wish I didn't want to talk to you, I wish I didn't want to be around you. I wish I didn't care.

How difficult you have made things-I wish I didn't allow you to. You are "off in your own little world." I don't know you anymore, I don't know the things you do, who you like, who you hang out with, anything....

And I want to say goodbye to get over this, but I don't...but your making me.

Tiny dancer

Today I am full of melancholy; as I have many things to say, but feel as if I cannot say them to anyone but here.

First of all, I wish to speak of love. I watch as people become engaged to their lovers, and some are now carrying children, while I am barren, and as single as they come. It did not bother me as much before, as I was not alone and single, but I am starting to feel it now. Everyone is in love, has some to hold, and be loved by. I am the woman sitting on the bus stop bench watching, wishing that some were me, nothing intended-just switching places, you know "the grass is always greener on the other side" sort of thing. I feel like I am the one missing out; I hear how great marriage is, that only those who are married can understand it. And then I hear mommy's and daddy's talking about this "passion" their children bring them. I cannot deny it, I am jealous, I envy them.

Few very in numbers now in my broad group of friends are still single, if they are single, they are soon to be taken, and/or married. And I have no prospects in view. I am tired of waiting and watching. I don't want to put myself out there-is my singleness my fault? I dare not say. But I believe it to be true. I seek love, but at the same time I push it away. I am not part of the "in crowd" anymore-I have become irrelateable, I cant join in talks and gab about how wonderful my married life is with my amazing husband-I cant talk about how my kids are doing. I want this so badly, I have dreamt of it, many times. It is cruel to let me see, but not touch. It is a little discouraging and frustrating-OK wait, allot. I don't know if I am doing what I should to be found, because I want love to find me. Which is right? To find or be found?

Secondly, friendship. It is possible to be surrounded by so many, yet feel ever so alone. This is the worst type of loneliness, and yet it seems to occupy my life many days, my constant companion. I am afraid of being alone, and I am scared that very soon it will be so, as I have lost a dear friend, and have many others leaving to live their lives. Why must I have the heart I do, I wish I could be cruel, and cold, insensitive...I wish I couldn't get hurt. I wish goodbyes did not frighten me and hurt me so. I need these knifes surgically removed from my heart.

I don't want them to go, but I am so happy that they are, and I bask in knowing that life is finally giving them the break to live a little. But I still don't want them to go. I am a selfish person, I will admit it right now.

My heart yearns to take everyone in my heart, take them to a far away place with no worries, ever, and lock them away, to keep them. I don't want them to leave, or get lost in their journey's. I don't want them to forget me and move on without me. I need to be wanted and needed. It is torcher to have distance between you and another, especially when the actual distance is so close, but every other distance, you feel like you are as far away as opposite sides of the galaxy.

I just wish growing up wasn't so hard and that I was stronger...maybe my heart could handle things better. I just need someone to just hurry and come and either rip my heart out now and completely remove every piece or repair and mend the torn and broken parts, it hurts too much.

Life in the fast lane

I am so frustrated, growing up is finally manifesting its effects.

I have been stuck in a "bubble".

All my boy friends are all leaving on missions, all my girl friends are all engaged, married, or pregnant, and the few who remain are distanced from me. And then the few, are falling out of my life.

And I feel the loneliness-I feel the distance-I feel their absences.

Why is growing up so cruel? Is it to remind us how bliss childhood really is, to help us to remember to be like children? Well, in my opinion, it does not help me, rather it is making me forget.

I get caught up in the fast motion of life-paying bills, trying to get through school, sparing time for me, my friends and family, just trying to live through the day written in my planner and everything in between.

I want to stop and smell the flowers, watch the sun rise, lay in the grass and sleep in the warm sun. I want to simply enjoy and savor every moment of this life.

Trains...

I want to run away, as fast as I can, away from here.
There is too much baggage, and it is far too heavy for me carry.
I want to leave it, and forget about it, at least for some time.
I hate growing up in the "real world".
I need an adventure, I am sick of the old-I need something new.
I need to breath.

How I wish I could fly, for then, I wouldn't ever have to worry about time, distance, money.
I could just go.
I am being suffocated by the life I live.
I need to get out of here.
I need a break.