I miss you!!

Today I really miss the one man in my life I could utterly trust with my life and know he wouldn’t break my heart or my trust. I miss the one who taught me to love, to live, to aspire, to dream. I miss my grandpapa. And I would give anything and everything I had to see him, I would move heaven and earth to get one hour with him.


Our song came on, it’s the one he taught me how to slow dance to. Its a lot different than the dancing I do now. Its old fashioned dancing. And I love it.






I remember you got out of your wheelchair and twirled me around in my yellow dress. I miss you. I miss how you were here and we would talk and do things together. I wish I could see you today, I wish you could see me. I have so many questions for you, I wish we could talk. What I would do for one more dance with you, 2 minutes and 32 seconds.

He is my angel.

Naked

I think I am getting a little closer.






For the first time since I was about 10, I went out in public with no make up on.
And there was no problem, in fact, I was walking out of the store and a guy was on his phone and he stopped when he saw me, dropped his phone to his side and said "woah!"...

I guess I have natural beauty. Its just a default, I look beautiful without even trying. My beauty is effortless. Gorgeous, flawless.

I am learning I dont have to wear makeup, I can do less and I am beautiful anyways.
I dont need make up.

Chicago, brace yourself!! Here we come!!

A road trip, just us girls!!



A handful of reasons...






It couldnt come any quicker, Friday May 21st, 2010.

Chicago, here we come, you are beautiful, so are we. We will be beautiful together no matter what adventures we take.





So, new lessons memories and so much excitment and fun!!

The "I miss Carlie tantrum"

Sunday morning was nothing different. I miss people, especially the people I am close to often, and terribly.

But Sunday, it was all about Carlie.



I had just finished taking a shower, and my hair was still wet. My phone goes off, I recieved 2 texts from Carlie Christopher.

I read it, and felt the overwhelming lack of Carlie, I immediately put my phone down, walked over to my bed, and face planted into my pillow and began to cry, sob is actually probably more accurate.



I sobbed for 10 minutes.

The thing that made me stop...my mom.

She walked in and asked "What in the heck is wrong?!"

My reply: "I really just miss Carlie."



My moms reply as she came over to hug me was a out burst of "oh you poor baby" laughter, followed by "you act and talk like a 2 year old."



Carlie, I miss you. My life isnt the same with you s far away. I hate this. I hate the 1500 miles between us. I hate every mile in its own singlarity.

Lesson learned.

A friend is a possession we earn, not a gift.

It takes years to build up trust, and just seconds to destroy it.

Its true that we dont know what we had until we lose it, but its also true that we didnt know what we were missing until it arrives.

You have to learn to love what is good for you.

Love is lost, not let go.

It takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Find someone who makes your heart smile.

You can only push someone so far away before their gone...on their own.

I deserve the respect of a woman, not a girl.

I know whats best for me.

I am not a possession. I am a butterfly.

What is uttered from the heart alone, will win the hearts of others to your own; so I will bleed, and I wont close off any veins.

Can I make you fall in love with me? With who I am?
Am I captivating?
Inviting?
Exciting?

Am I worth your time, your effort?
Will you invest in me?


My feeble heart tries to muster the courage to find the light in who I am...I have been told I am good, I am an angel, I am beautiful, genuine, real, comparable to Christ...many people have said overly generous things to me...I see no reason for them to lie...but wonder if they are blinded by something, by some fake persona I put on, although, I feel like I wear no mask, I feel vulnerable; so my "logic" doesn't make sense, I have to break down the walls of lies I have believed and built along with the critics...my friends and family, everyone has not seen my dark past, and so it becomes easy to dismiss what everyone says, although, I try not to, and I am learning.

The issue is that I easily believe what has been said about me, the negativity in my life, because it is easy to see my faults. If life was black and white, it would be easy, because all the black could be picked apart and thrown away to allow me to see the good white. But there is grey, and several shades in me. Introspection becomes difficult when you are looking for the good, because you always feel like you fall short.

Attempt one was an epic fail...

So I will try to silence the voices that repeat in my memory, and silence my demons, and just let Christ speak. I want to see His countenance in me.

I am learning:

That I am learning. I am too young to decide that I have ruined the rest of my life.

I was made to love, and love freely, deeply, passionately, fiercely, unconditionally.

I have alot to give.

I am not a failure.

I am the glue that holds my relationships together...and I don't mind.

I have faith, hope and a testimony.

I am understanding, patient, willing, mature, honest, funny, free spirited, considerate, bold, and sweet.

I don't have to be perfect, I just do my best, because that's all I can do, and I have to be content with that.

I am new. I am ever changing. I hold on to past experiences so I know how to decide what is true, right, and good. But I wont live in the past, I cant do that.

I am me, I making my own choices, and despite the consequences, both acceptable and not so welcomed, I am dealing with life the best way I know how and that's all I can do.

I am fearless.

I am selfless.

I would rather love and lose than to never have loved at all. I learn so much. And maybe after enough heart ache and heart break, I will be good enough for some man.

I am good enough.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I am important.

I have to depend on myself, but be willing to let others in, and let them help me...I have to be the place where I find my self esteem, I have to be my own home. So its time to clear out the clutter.

I just have to love and accept me, all of me, all my faults, and see my potential and love it all. Embrace myself, because I am not stuck being a lesser version of me, like I said, I am ever changing.

I will never really be able to say goodbye to people in my life, especially the people I care for...and I care for alot. My heart can only get bigger, luckily, its not a glass or stone heart...its elastic, so it can expand and grow...and the worth is that of gold.

I am one of the best friends a person can have, because I am not a convenient friend, because I truly and genuinely care, because I want to be the best, so I am. I will do anything for someone I love, even die.

I am strong, because I am weak.

I am humble, but I am proud. I don't think anything more of me than I do of others, and I don't compare, because there is no validity in the comparison. I am me, and I am measuring up against who I used to be to who I am today, and hoping for who I want to be tomorrow.

I wont play a victim, or allow others to hurt me. I will not just hold on, but will be more than what I think I am. I will push my limits, and let Christ make up for all the rest I am lacking.

I have to find humor, smile and laugh...it makes life so much easier.

I have to count my blessings. Enough said.

I am nothing without Christ, but with him, I am everything, and I can do anything. I trust him completely. He is my best friend, and never lets me down. He is constant and stable, what I need. He is the center of my life.

I have alot of imperfections, I am the epitome of imperfection. Those flaws make me beautiful and interesting. The scars and dents can be transformed by only one...and he makes everything beautiful, and he most certainly doesn't make mistakes.

People and situations don't make me who I am... I need only Christ and myself, because we make a great team. But I want you here.

I can never hurt too long before Christ saves me and sends me an angel.

I am never really alone. Ever, in any way.

I make myself happy, if I want to be some way, then I need to BE that way. I am the only one who hinders myself.

I hate drama, so if I am not happy anymore or I am stressing and there is nothing I can do, and I am no longer in control of the situation, I will withdrawal and let God do his work. He fixes everything.

I want to be better. I want to be wonderful. So I am becoming, and that is beautiful.

If my heart were a house, you would be home.

I'm getting my stuff together. I can walk against the rain. And tomorrow will be better, I will make my today's my tomorrows if I don't feel like I can handle my today.

I can move on.

Being happy should always come naturally. So I will naturally always be happy.

Christ is fixing me. I am under construction, in the fire...swimming in deep waters...better than not.

I am really good at being thoughtful, and nurturing. I am intuitive, and I am woman.

I may stumble and fall, but that makes me nothing less. Period.
I am humble enough to ask Christ for help, strong enough to push myself up, and brave enough to move on.

I am moving on. I am changing. I am facing my fears. I am brave.

I keep a smile when I have every right to break down.

I have seen alot of things in my life, and everything has given me experience so I can help others along the way.

I see people, I see them for who they are. I find the good in people and in life.

I love to help people. I love to love people.

I am super affectionate with people. And I easily become attached, and it is impossible for me to become unattached.

I am sensitive to peoples feelings.

I am easy to work with.

I am dependable, loyal, compassionate, selfless, dedicated, loyal, charitable.

I am a good friend. I am a good listener, and teacher.

My emotions are very real, very strong and overwhelming, I am starting to see the gift in that curse.

I am real.

I am playing my role.

I don't care about all the pain in front of me, so what if I break down, the world throws me off the edge, and my feet run out of ground? Things will always work out for the better because God is over all. And he takes care of me.

I have alot of depth to me.

I am incredible, irresistible and irreplaceable.

I am finding my place, hearing my sound-playing my song and changing my vision to that of eternal perspective. "Heavenly eyes".

I am going to dance, and I will shine. I am not going to settle. I will take chances, I will write my own book. I wont regret that I didnt try.





...


I may not fully grasp that I am intelligent, wise, beautiful, virtuous, or morally strong, but I wont give up trying to understand, believe and embrace that knowledge. Its gotta be there if people are pointing it out.I need to know I am good, I need to know my heritage. I need to know I am a child of God, with all the qualities of one who is grand, precious.

I'll get back to you when I know that I know, finally.


I just want to be happy. So I will make my way.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best...I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

-Marilyn Monroe

Words of wisdom.

If you want to be happier, BE happier. If you want to be better, then BE better. Its alot about choice my friends, and there is nothing hindering your progress but you.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." — Marilyn Monroe

We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.

"People dont make you who are, YOU make who you are."

Count your blessings before their long gone. It makes life easier. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.

"Your a girl who knows how to be happy even when you're sad. And that’s important—you know..." I'm no angel, but I've spread my wings a bit.

If a woman is sufficiently ambitious, determined and gifted - there is practically nothing she can't do.

For the rest of my life, I promise myself I will love me first genuinely. I dont have the power, but I never say never.

What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward; laughter gives us distance and allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

Light up!! Light up, as if you have a choice....

A very well known quote no doubt, I have loved it since I heard it when I was 14, and it has been one of my favorite quotes since, but not until now, have I understood it in this light.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

-Marianne Williamson

I am 20 years old, I am so young in comparison to the whole picture. I am at the age in my life where I am finding that the impossible is possible, where I am excelling and being beyond joyful at ever aspect of my life.

Now surely, I am more satisfied with my life now, than when I was younger, but I do miss those days when everything was easier...I used to think high school was hard, man was I wrong. I used to think growing up would fix and rid my problems, wrong again. I used to think that being between the ages of 12-18 were the hardest, and oh my goodness, was I wrong about that too. Those days, the Lord was preparing me for what was to come, with the severity of those trials, I should have taken into consideration the depth of my future trials.

Now, upon the decision after talking with a dear friend of mine, he encouraged me to go and find the good in me. Not the type of egostatiscal people make up, but genuinely, what other people see in me, the good God sees in me, that He has given me.

I was somewhere thinking about this aspect of my life, and how I want to go about it, then I realized how absolutely terrified I was of looking inside, finding that good, and bringing that knowledge into my light. I wonder how it will change me, if it will make me less humble...introspection is not as intimidating when you are looking for what s wong with you...that is easy. You know its there, but you wonder if you really have anything good in there, or if your buket is empty, or if it has something in it...if it is truly real, and genuine.

What if I dont love ME? I surely love and absolutely adore others, that is easy...but me. Me of all people...this is going to be hard, surely emotionally straining...I will try.I will work it out.

I will get back to you when I ahave figured it out, and once I know for myself.

The smiling old man next to me. The only exception.

I finally have a moment to write and release my emotions, my stories.

Earlier this week I had reached my breaking point, for numerous various reasons. I was in need of a good cry, I had let everything build up, and my cup was about to overflow with a seemingly endless amount of tears. I found out my new mascara wasn't too good at being water proof.

Something about me, I don't cry in front of people, if you have seen me cry, count yourself lucky, as I only have cried in front of my ward family being touched by the spirit, or I have cried in front of very few of my closest friends, as I become most vulnerable at that moment as all the emotions and my life become shared. Rarely will I cry at home, but my car, now that is a different story. My car has heard everything. If only my car could talk...

I find no fault in crying, tears magnify the one within. I believe it is the only way God has allowed women to release all they feel. It is the only outlet we have, I have to let all the emotions I feel out. I cry when I am ultimately happy, touched by the spirit, or sad. I just don't know how to otherwise communicate my feelings, as such my feelings tend to grow to overwhelming amounts, my feelings are very strong, and I don't only feel them mentally and emotionally, but they are enough to radiate through my entire being.

I was driving somewhere, and I pulled up next to a car, and I didn't pay attention to who was sitting next to me, I was consumed by the many reasons I was experiencing every emotion you could possibly put into one person. Something caught the corner of my eye, and it was an older grandpa, he had his face plastered to the window of his car, and was sending me the utmost cheesiest smile someone could muster up.

This of course stopped me dead in my tracks and forced a small chuckle from my mouth. He kept smiling, and slowly removed his face from the glass so he could wave at me and sign to me to smile. There was something familiar about him, his kind, old yet wise knowing eyes, his warm inviting smile, I was enraptured at the beauty a grandpa could produce, it makes me miss my grandpapa even more than ever thinking about-I can only wonder and dream how it would be if he was here. What would it be like if he was here? Who would I be? Would he be proud of me?

Anyways, as I sheepishly wiped away my mascara filled tears from my face, I found in me, the strength forced from every fiber of my being, to smile. I wish it had been more genuine, but it was there.

The light turned green and I took off heading in opposite directions with both of us waving and smiling at each other. Whoever that man is, I wish to thank him for what he did, it made all the difference.

"Love you"

I have been sitting with my papa since 5:00PM, working on this and that, multitasking is doable for now. I probably bug him as I consistently ask him how he is every 5 minutes. I talk with him a little, his migraine is horrific. I change his ice packs, clean up messes in the room, make sure it is safe for him to make a trip to the bathroom, I cook him food, I mostly just watch in anxiousness as he sleeps, wondering if he will wake. I regulate his timing with medication, and make sure he is doing everything he should be to help him keep his promise he made me 3 years ago, "to be at my wedding"....I am starting to regret not making it a bit more lengthy of a promise...

My friend Amanda, tells me I hen my papa...I beg to differ. I say it is just genuine concern and cautioning....I refuse to relive that past; I hate watching him feel the way he does, I would rather have to deal with his pain than watch him go through this again. I would rather hurt than have anyone I love hurt in any way. If it were possible, I would do it. I am more silent than I have ever been, mostly just consumed with the thoughts in my head...sometimes I wish I could just silence myself entirely, where is the "off switch" to myself...to life?

I wont turn off my phone, in fear that if I do, I will miss a call, and will have an everlasting guilt filled regret. To even fall asleep is quite the strenuous effort. I consider taking some type of sleeping aid just to get the sleep I need, and want.

I bend over to hug his weak body, and give him a kiss, I tell him I love him and wish him a goodnight, and to feel better; I begin to walk out, and turn off the lights, I take advantage of the moment, because I don't know if I will get another chance to say it, as I shut the door the weight of the importance of what i am about to say lingers and presses on my mind, my entire entity. I say it entirely with my heart and soul, "I love you".