"Love you"

I have been sitting with my papa since 5:00PM, working on this and that, multitasking is doable for now. I probably bug him as I consistently ask him how he is every 5 minutes. I talk with him a little, his migraine is horrific. I change his ice packs, clean up messes in the room, make sure it is safe for him to make a trip to the bathroom, I cook him food, I mostly just watch in anxiousness as he sleeps, wondering if he will wake. I regulate his timing with medication, and make sure he is doing everything he should be to help him keep his promise he made me 3 years ago, "to be at my wedding"....I am starting to regret not making it a bit more lengthy of a promise...

My friend Amanda, tells me I hen my papa...I beg to differ. I say it is just genuine concern and cautioning....I refuse to relive that past; I hate watching him feel the way he does, I would rather have to deal with his pain than watch him go through this again. I would rather hurt than have anyone I love hurt in any way. If it were possible, I would do it. I am more silent than I have ever been, mostly just consumed with the thoughts in my head...sometimes I wish I could just silence myself entirely, where is the "off switch" to myself...to life?

I wont turn off my phone, in fear that if I do, I will miss a call, and will have an everlasting guilt filled regret. To even fall asleep is quite the strenuous effort. I consider taking some type of sleeping aid just to get the sleep I need, and want.

I bend over to hug his weak body, and give him a kiss, I tell him I love him and wish him a goodnight, and to feel better; I begin to walk out, and turn off the lights, I take advantage of the moment, because I don't know if I will get another chance to say it, as I shut the door the weight of the importance of what i am about to say lingers and presses on my mind, my entire entity. I say it entirely with my heart and soul, "I love you".